Sports Seriously

Seriously Chapter 78: In Defense of Cowboy Joe West

2010-04-15T20:57:00.000-07:00

When it comes to the sports detective/news game, I lived, I've loved, I laughed and I've lost. I've sat with the good, the great and the not-so-great. I've run a successful business, written a few things and my professional reputation is gold-plated. But I've also lied my way across half the globe. If I had a dollar for every lie I told one of my ex-wives, while sitting in some crummy hotel lobby, I'd have either "Sir" or "Lord" in front of my name. I've fallen asleep in my own front yard, only to wake up with a restraining order stuffed in my trousers. I've let people down in my life so bad - when my son was born, the doctor slapped him and he didn't cry, he just looked at me and shook his head. If only these were jokes, people, this is real. See how therapy can unburden you? I suggest you try it, especially if you drink like a parched Pelican, like I used to. I used to drink so much, my friends didn't say "Hey, let's go to Seriously's." They'd say "Hey, let's go to Jameson's." But you guys, you wonderful people, you know these things about me, I'm repeating myself. I apologize, it's just that I've come so far.
My point is this;
One thing I've learned in life is that you have to take a stand every now and then, even if it's unpopular. That's why I'm here to announce that I am personally stepping to the plate tonight on behalf of an American League umpire. That's right, an umpire and an American League one at that. Specifically, I'm referring to a large, odious, hog of a man named Joe West; who those of us in the biz call, "Country." Yes, umpires are almost always stereotypically displeasing people and I'm all for ragging them. Aside from my good friend, C.B. Buckner. That brother's like a brother to me. Ragging umpires is an important part of the game of baseball, it's as American as Mt. Rushmore. But I'll be damned if Country Joe West wasn't simply doing his job in publicly calling out the pretentious Yankees and nauseating Red Sox for stretching their games out to almost 4 hours each. He rightfully called their multi-hour taffy pulls "an embarrassment." It's about time more people said it and the Red Sox players and Yankee players can all go straight to hell; particularly that dickless little pip squeak, Dustin Pedroia who called Country's comments in The Bergen County Record "way out of line." Yeah, Seriously despises the American League but really, watching Andy Petitte stare into home plate with his glove up against his face for 45 seconds to a minute on every frickin', goddamn pitch is enough to make me throw up into my own mouth. Hey, Andy, it's the second inning in the third game of the season.

The average major league game runs 2 hours and 55 minutes. The average running time for Red Sox-Yankee games in this first week of the season was 3 hours and 40 minutes. And don't give me malarky about commercials. How many Red Sox and Yankee Human Rain Delays does it take to screw in a light bulb? Maybe I'll give you the answer around the 50th time one of these players steps out of the batter's box on every single pitch. Forgive me, Red Sox and Yankees, if I don't forego giving my sick toddler his medicine so that I might spend four hours of my life getting steeped in your tradition. I'd rather lose than acquire your respective levels of self importance. Oh, how I can hear my New York/Boston axis right now. "Spoken like a true loser," they're saying, which flashes me back to my Ohio roots - as in my teams losing all the time, that is. While they may have a point, Ohio people do always lose, all Yankees-Red Sox game are not the World Series. We know that every single move in baseball has strategic implications but you guys are ridiculous and I'm glad Country went public with it, even if he's considered wrong in doing so. And why don't you quit worrying out-loud about the impartiality of Country Joe West, Manager Terry Francona; you ugly, whiny, knock-kneed bean pole. Country Joe will stay fair and unbiased, just as he has for decades. Me, not so much. I can't stand you American League people.

Just so Seriously doesn't leave on such a dour note, thank God for baseball and thank God for Joey Votto.

Seriously Chapter 77: Those Two Great Ladies

2010-03-14T18:20:00.000-07:00

Zenyatta Vs. Rachel Alexandra, Please Oh Please

In his dogged pursuit of a stable, sober life, Seriously's had to give up the ponies. I simply can't go to the race track anymore, even though a chunk of my heart is gone because of it. I probably spent most of the 80's and 90's dozing off at Hollywood Park; on my days off and, yes, sometimes when I was on duty (full disclosure towards amends). And even though I no longer attend, due to all the accompanying bad habits and lowlifes associated with said activity, I always keep up and I still love to watch 'em run. On the split-screen feed from the track, I always stay high but then look down low at the end for the close up; I just love to see the look on the horses' faces. And did I mention I love the smell of horse manure?

While the horse game is a currently like the boxing game, in that there's not enough superstars around, Seriously is still in awe that we're fortunate enough, right now, to be bearing witness to the two greatest fillies the world has seen since Ruffian. That would be the 11-victory, first-girl-Preakness-winner-in-85-years, 2009 Horse of the Year, Rachel Alexandra; and her counterpart, the undefeated (at 15-0) first-female-consecutive-winner-of-the-Breeder's Cup in racing history, that Lady-Leviathan-of-the-Oval, the mighty Zenyatta. Like Ruffian, they said she was too fat.

Rachel, with her famous splotchy face and classic bay body and Zenyatta; long, strong and dark bay/brown. Two beautiful, powerful, lovely girls simply being the best at what they do. (??)

Since the end of 2008, the entire nation has clamored for Rachel and Zenyatta to face off and they're scheduled to do just that on April 9th with the 2010 Apple Blossom Handicap at Oaklawn Park in Hot Springs, Arkansas. The impact of this race is one that will reverberate around the globe and grind this very nation to a halt, unlike any event we've seen since the last great Jack Johnson fight. However, check this out: Seriously just got off the phone with Rachel's owner, Jess Jackson, he of Kendall-Jackson fame. (You know, the shit wine that tastes like ground-up cork?) Jess, fresh off an interview with my friend Marcus Hersh over at ESPN, he proceeds to drop a big fat bomb. He says Rachel's tune-up race this weekend in New Orleans (she finished 2nd) has left her "too exhausted to compete" on April 9th in Hot Springs.

Seriously doesn't know Jess Jackson, so berating him for talking to Marcus Hersh @ ESPN before talking to me was not an option. I had to let it slide. The fact that the cat's a billionaire wouldn't have stopped me from saying something, either. You know how I am, I've lived with kings and paupers alike. I just never met the guy before.

This wildly insane turn of events, the race being off, is burning up the wires as I write this and I want to update you on what's going on behind the scenes; because I care about you like family and you deserve to know.

For the last year or so, Jess and Company (and particularly his stable guys) have openly taunted Zenyatta's owners, Jerry and Ann Moss, about the fact that they won't have their pony race outside of California "due to the potential stress of such travel," they say. Some race people understand this concern, but others have called it, "The Fear of Rachel." Suspicions were also raised on two other occasions when Rachel's people wanted their girl to compete in a couple of Cup races out in So Cal but they simply couldn't get Zenyatta's schedule pinned down. But, too-da-loo, too-da-loo, now it seems the suspicion shoe is on the other hoof. With Jerry and Ann having agreed to send Zenyatta out-of-state to Arkansas, now all of a sudden Rachel doesn't have enough time to recover for a race that she's already committed to? (Hello, is this thing on?) Give us an injury of some sort, don't sight fatigue as the reason. We've all been around the game, we know recovery times. Don't try and shit the shitters. This story's heating up big time and if the parties involved don't watch it, somebody's gonna get burned. Heck, the purse for this Apple Blossom Handicap in Arkansas stood at $500,000 until Rachel and Zenyatta signed on; then it jacked up to $5,000,000. Now it's back to half a mill and a lot of people have a lot of questions. Including certain people involved at a certain level of influence who really don't like it when a certain level of cash flow is expected and then, all of a sudden, it's not happening anymore; they get extremely angry - and that's just the Methodists in Hot Springs.

I'll keep you posted on how this thing's gonna turn out. For now, Zenyatta's in and Rachel's ixnay. Wait a second - oh, look at this. A little bird just happened to message me and the little bird says the match up "is not dead at all" and we're just at the tail end of a secret, tit-for-tat game of equine chess, he tells me. A "tit-for-tat game of equine chess?" Whatever, Professor Plum in the Library With the Wrench. My freakin' sources, sometimes, I swear. Just get me the story, jackass. Get me the info and quit trying to write your way into my stupid life. Sorry about that but in my world right now I have to deal with issues immediately.

There's only one thing we know for sure about the race; the entire country is chomping at the bit to witness this tremendous clash of the titans. Not just because it'll be a great race - it will go down in history as one of the great American cultural events of our time.

So let the girls run. For God's sake, let the girls run.

Seriously Chapter 76: Sights & Smells; Vin Scully Is Exempt

2010-03-08T18:20:00.000-08:00

The sweet din of baseball has returned once again, like an old family friend, your most favorite pair of comfortable shoes; or any of that other horse shit writers always write when talking about an upcoming major league baseball season.

Welcome to My World, Friends

Where good people with good intentions do every scribe/journalist in the business a horrible disservice by WAY over-writing the majesty of spring baseball.

Window Into the Sports News Business - You're Behind the Scenes Right Now

Seriously is currently surrounded, via conference call, by three sports media jackasses who shall remain mostly nameless. One is my guy at ESPN, another is the executive producer of a very serious NBC Sports program (and sadly a gambler), and the third is a nearly-retarded individual who runs the sports desk at the L.A. Shrunken Times. Even though a couple of these guys probably make more money than I do, they know Seriously's doing the talking right now. Listen in as he discusses what most sports writers invariably do in the run-up to opening day.

SERIOUSLY

... Let me live my own Field of Dreams, writer
man. I can paint the picture on my own, just

fine. The saccharine angle has been done to

death and in words for more beautiful and

brilliant than anything you could ever come

up with, so spare me the sepia tone and just

tell me about the game, what's on the field,

what's going on in the clubhouse. ...

Some grumble, mumble from a couple of the gathered idiots.

SERIOUSLY

... Forgive me if I don't necessarily care about

your relationship with your dad, and how you

used to go to Brewers' games together, and

have hot dogs and now he's on a breathing tube.

Hell, my old man was on a breathing tube

when he was dying, but he also had his foot so

far up my ass that it was tapping on my chin.

I hated my dad's guts. He kicked my ass and

smacked the crap out of my sister. Does that

make sense to any of you sons of

bitches?

None of the other three says a thing, just the sound of sips from their respective cocktails.

SERIOUSLY

Yeah, you all drink and I don't, and I know
you want to taunt me and make fun of me.

But all kidding aside; I'm reaching through

the b.s. and calling you to the carpet right

now, boys, so let me get this out before you

guys go in. You, the work you do personally,

and all the baseball writers you boss around

(trust me, I've bossed a few writers around).

The message to your respective people has

simply got to be, "Quit trying to evoke the

`The Boys of Summer' and get the goddamn

stories out." We got rosters full of guys, most

of them have to go, and there's a whole flippin',

frickin' season to cover. Hey, you don't think

I'm emotional or feel moved about the

prospect of baseball? Baseball season starting

once again is like me having my meds just

right. I feel a beautiful, golden hum to depth

of my soul. Seriously's a beaten down hack of

a sports reporter (half my life spent as a

drunk and a lounge lizard) but with baseball

in season, I can survive anything. But that's

not my point. I'm Joe Q. Public, just get me

the information.

A few other choice insults get passed back and forth and it's agreed upon by all four that Seriously has a valid point regarding spring training coverage. Then a few bromides of agreement are tossed, "Less syrup, more steak," and what-not, followed by a few "I'll bring it up in my staff meetings'," etc.

End of Conference Call

There you have it. I get in conversations about crap like this all the time because I care and I know you care.

An Interview With The Cuban

There's a 30 million-dollar rookie pitcher for the Cincinnati Reds named Aroldis Chapman and he throws 100 MPH. I've just spoken with manager Dusty Baker and I hope to be announcing a sit down with this Cuban baseball Jesus (who is blowing the lid off the Cactus League) in the next couple days. I'll keep you posted and let you know if Seriously will be flying to Arizona. The kid's minder is Tony Fossas, my old Cubano hermano, so I know we're going to get this done.

Stay tuned.

Seriously Chapter 75: Closing Ceremonies - All They are is Dust in the Wind

2010-02-28T18:14:00.000-08:00

Let's get the beautiful out of the way before anybody digresses.

Beautiful: Miss Kim Yuna, Skating to the Gold for South Korea.

Thursday night's vision of perfection. If ever there were a girl put on this earth by God to be a figure skater, it's this lovely kid and I hope to have an interview with her soon, me dealing out my pigeon Korean. I actually, usually hire Korean translators for stories. I don't speak but a little. I can't tell you how much I love Kim Yuna's legs and hips and the way she spins without sounding creepy and inappropriate so let me be more like a sports ticker and move on.

Beautiful: The Sight of Bill Demong (US) Crossing the Finish Line and Winning Gold

An amazing, astonishing triumph of the spirit from Bill Demong, also on Thursday, as he won the nasty, grueling 10K Men's Nordic Combined. Talk about slobber! It was beautiful AND triumphant, a memory forever frozen in my brain, akin to the likes of what you'd see in books like The Family of Man and what-not. Just beautiful.

Beautiful: The Canadian Girls Celebrating With Stogies and Champagne on the Ice.

I thought it was beautiful, frankly. Didn't like that they beat my beloved Uncle Samettes for the Gold Medal but, what the hay? Girls, when get like that, they're great to be around. So what the hell is wrong with it? They left it all on the ice, why not party on the ice, yo? (Yeah, too old to talk like that) What in the eff is the I.O.C. looking into? Isn't NHL Comissioner Gary Bettman involved in it, even though it's women? Isn't he involved in everything right now? I think Gary Bettman's involved in my mortgage and that's beautiful.

Beautiful: Steve Holcomb Captains the US to First Four-Man Bobsled Gold in 62 Years

Nothing's more old-school than bobsledding and you know how Seriously loves his old-school events; so imagine my joy, Saturday, watching Old Glory take its first Gold Medal in the Four-Man Bobsled since St. Moritz in 1948. And then afterwards, the tears in the eyes of the coach as he tried to talk about the team's victory. That was some manly shit right there and it was beautiful.

Enough Beautiful - The Closing Ceremony, I Never Get It

Seriously's been dispatched to nine different Olympic games' in his career (Yeah, I was in Lake Placid and witnessed You-Know-What) and I've sat on my ass in a leather Barky Lounger watching every minute of those few Olympics that I didn't happen to cover. And yet - even with all those Olympic assignments, the thousands of hours of watchful analysis, the awkward wording and structure of this particular sentence - even with all that - I usually never ever watch the closing ceremonies. I get so busy putting our coverage to bed, even running the whole Olympic apparatus on my own this year, I usually miss out on the whole pomp and puffery of saying goodbye. Every now and then, a summer Olympic closing ceremony will put a grip on you because they'll have crippled people involved and that always breaks my heart, but it's usually just a mutual butt scratch. A self-congratulation festival. "Aren't we so great?! Look what we did!" At least that's what the ceremony's like behind the scenes when you're attending or covering it. Watching it on t.v., I see it as well. "Ooh, aren't we cool?"

Why Wait to the Very End to Bring Up Hockey?

Let's get it straight. I wanted Canada to lose the game because I love my country. Good for you, Canada, you happened to win this time. Take your Gold Medal, enjoy. And while we definitely want you to send our athletes back home, please make sure you don't send your health care system along with it. We don't want your Canadian-style, Socialist health care system here in America and I fear this victory by your hockey team will be seen (by some) as a vindication of your policy, what with the robustness of your athletes and all. 5 out of the 10 most livable cities in the world are in Canada, yes that's true, but I guarantee you it has nothing to do with Canada's health care system! Know this, America, because you won't read it in the "lamestream" media, trust me - I'm hearing countless stories from a variety of sources, countless stories of Canadians falling over dead in the street during these Olympics because of their national health care. Not only that, the same drugs the Socialists in Congress would have us import at cheaper rates, they're dealing out a daily dose of death to the tune of (I'm hearing) seven people per day, just in Vancouver alone! Imagine, thinking you're taking your Lipitor and you just fall over dead. It's happening all the time in Canada, you're just not hearing about it in the liberal media, and it'll happen down here if we import these deadly drugs made in the US by the likes of Pfizer and GlaxoSmithKline. We don't want your health care, you're longer life expectancy or your deadly drugs imported from here. We don't want it!!!!

My patient and wonderful readers; as you can tell, I'm still angry, heartbroken really, that we didn't win the hockey game. Consequently, I'm lashing out a little. For that, I apologize. I just wanted my guys to get that one last Gold.

Goodbye, Vancouver

I'm sure the closing ceremony was a moving experience, an enduring message of peace, and you obviously did a fine job of hosting the Winter Olympics on the whole. A lot of my friends in the industry are packing for home as we speak and they tell me they're impressed with the great show Vancouver put on. "Kudos to some nice people" is what they're saying. However - and my ma will scold me for saying this because she has a Canadian cousin - if I never hear O Canada ever again, it'll be way too damn soon. I'm normally more crude, far more crude than that; but my ma, I know, will be reading this.

Baseball and the NFL scouting combine are coming up so stay tuned and watch as I'll be handing out information and dealing with a big bunch of problems.

Seriously Chapter 74: Yes, Drink the Water In Vancouver

2010-02-17T17:17:00.000-08:00

I've been loving these Olympics from the first moment, even with the roller coaster that was the first couple days. Yeah, Gretzky got hung out to dry when the arm wouldn't come up, but look how he ran outside and lit that other torch. Then the Canadian kid won the moguls, which took the monkey off the back of the host country, they could relax. But the kid from Georgia died, and that made me cry, especially that look on his face while they were trying to save him. I've seen that look before.

Uber-Uncle Sam

Seriously gets hyper-nationalistic and is a flag waving S.O.B. when it comes to these Winter Olympics (forever loving Hannah Kearney, getting us our first Gold,) particularly in a year like this when I'm on my leather lounger, eating low calorie meals and not covering the games as a journalist. I'm just a fan and glory be to that. I got no time for other countries. USA, all the way, baby! Yeah, our hockey team beat China 12-1. So f-ing what? Take it to the uglies, get them medals, kick some snow ass! Is that unappealing enough? Can you guess that I'm mostly watching the Olympics by myself? Here's the bottom line on wanting to jam the U.S. flag pole up as many foreign rears as possible. My own psychology and horrific personal/emotional baggage aside, it's the fact that it's cold out, they're wearing lots of gear and you don't see as many faces (as you would in, say, the Summer O's, though I can be a bastard on those, too.) The anonymity factor allows reactionary-types like myself to defy that which is the very spirit of these games. But it's all grand and wonderful, this "human drama of athletic competition."

Bones of Contention

I zone out when I'm watching the Winter Olympics. Or I'll get distracted on the phone with family, agency business or the morons who are my friends, calling me when they're loaded, fully aware of my predicament. Or sometimes I'll even doze quite a bit when I'm watching and let me tell you why. It's because of all these new-fangled events they have now and the way they seem to want to cover them, all MTV-style. (I'm making that last part up.) I know they want to hook in the young crowd but I'm actually not young, dang it, and I'll have to let these Olympic officials know through my purchases and choices. All this snowboarding crap? And the kid who looks like Carrot Top. What am I, an asshole? The winner of Shawn White's event should receive my old Laker bong and that's about it. Yeah, I got a little hitch in my throat when Lindsey J. got DQ'd on her event but, please. If it's not an old school Winter Olympic event, I'm really not that interested.

I'm also extremely saddened by the US men's skaters, how they all seem to move like women on the ice. Be a man out there and 86 the feathers, for the love of Pete. The girls, however, are perfect. I'm thrilled with what they're doing.

Thank You For Putting It To Bed

Thank God Lindsey Vonn's shin went the way of Dwight Freeney's ankle and she won the Gold. I was sick of it. She's a great kid, though, and it's obvious the man upstairs wanted her to win, the weather knocking the schedule around and what-not. As soon as I get back to the office I'm gonna to get that young lady on the blower. I know her and I know her agent, but she's hotter than the Olsen Twins in lingerie, right now, so I can't guarantee an interview, but I promise to do what I can.

These games from Vancouver have been a grand celebration to witness and stand as a testament to the best we have to offer in the world of amateur sport. Granted, the two Koreans taking each other out and slamming into the wall, allowing Apollo to snatch that Silver Medal, that was my biggest thrill so far. But that's just mean old me.

Seriously Chapter 73: NBA All-Star Game Report

2010-02-15T17:38:00.000-08:00

East - 141 West - 139 - A High-Flying Nail-Biter to the End

Much like this year's NFL Pro Bowl in Miami, sobriety, life and sanity did not allow Seriously to make it, or get to shake it, at this year's NBA All-Star game in Dallas. Yearly one of the world's great weekends. Parties and parties and funnin' with the honey's. Seriamente!

Seriously had a great time himself, back here in Quake Town. With Harmless Keith holding down the fort at the agency, I was home-bound, watching the game while connected to family via Skype. How wonderful it is just being a fan watching Lebron, Kevin Durant, Chris Bosh, Kobe being Kobe. And I was particularly thrilled with the NBA coming-out party the Clipper's Chris Kaman threw for himself with a cool and deadly, 4 points, 3 rebounds and 1 assist.

The big story coming out of Dallas isn't the re-affirmation of Deron William's greatness, we all know D and his talent, but let's admit we go to sleep on him, him being in Utah and all. The big story coming out of the All-Star game is how uninspiring, bordering on boring, the Slam Dunk contest was. As a witnesseth (??) I can attest to the fact that this once grand competition is in dire need of fresh creativity. Nate Robinson from the Knicks only won it because he's a little guy, getting way up there, and it is awesome, that's why he'd won twice before, but there's a need for new blood. The games great high-flyers avoid the contest for fear of injury and detriment to their teams and guys who are willing to participate were bringing dunks sorely lacking in the electricity of imagination. There was no Superman jumping over a phone booth, no vaulting of the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders. Nobody blew the roof off the joint, nezz pa? And that's what you need for an All-Star game. Shannon Brown and his no-help-helper, Kobe Bryant, looked like they didn't even want to be bothered with it. With the All-Star NBA Slam Dunk contest in bad need of a makeover and a recharge, I hit the phones today, even though it's an off day, and got word to my guy in Commissioner Stern's office. We're not going to let this great slam dunk contest be diminished. It's a critical component to the NBA's All-Star weekend and it's an important event for the American people.

Stay tuned for baseball.

Seriously Chapter 72: Yours, Mine and Ours

2010-02-10T16:59:00.000-08:00

Super Bowl Aftermath & Falling on the Grenade

While the Super Bowl did not disappoint, the football season on the whole surely did which is entirely my fault, for those of you who get your news here. Please accept our serious, Toyota-level apology for the way we at Sports Seriously handled our NFL Playoff coverage as an agency. Me, Seriously, I was a slouch with the agency's NFL coverage, the NFL Playoffs being so closely tied to a couple of personal demons I'm currently at war with. Drinking and gambling. It hurt me as a journalist to have to step back and not be out there on the story, slapping the backs of all the guys, (though I heard it was cold as hell out there this year.) And I know every inch of Miami so the Super Bowl would have been great. And on the other facet of what I do, I love my work as a prognosticator, the business of telling everybody which way the games are going to go. I've emerged from this football season, F.Y.I., with a certified, career playoff-winning- percentage of 82.3% via the MGM Grand spreads.

It's all something I love, the NFL Playoffs, and it's put a lot of money in my pocket. And yet I had to step back from it professionally. I couldn't really cover the games and I couldn't help you guys pick them, either. It was for the sake of personal sanity, even beyond my sobriety. But let me report to you the following - Watching the games, just as a fan, for the first time in decades was a joyous and joyful experience. It was like a big, fat continuous exhale. And the big game? Oh, my God. Just being an asshole in a recliner with some O'Doul's and a bowl of hot wings. I felt refreshed and reborn. Just watching two great teams. Watching the guys play. It reminded me of why I fell in love with the pro game in the first place. And then "Undercover Boss" came on right after the game which really made cry. Just being able to be a normal person, not running around like Mt. Vesuvius working the phones, not yelling at people, not getting yelled at. Being able to enjoy my family, even though it had to be via Skype for legal reasons I cannot discuss.

Super Bowl Sunday was great and I'm having a heck of a good time putting one foot in front of the other.

Stay tuned for Seriously's upcoming NBA Mid-Season Report, my interview with NBA Hall-of-Famer Darryl Dawkins and a link to probably the world's most unusual dunking contest.

Don't forget, also, next week means

Pitchers and Catchers

Seriously Chapter 71: I'm Supposed to Get Excited About Phil Mickelson?

2010-01-28T11:09:00.000-08:00

The PGA's Northern Trust Open will be played out in Quaketown next weekend at beautiful, luxurious Riviera Country Club. It's a big fat party and I've been to the tournament several different times. Sadly, I've probably urinated in at least half the cups on the back nine. Seriously's shock is that he's received no personal invites to this year's tournament and I, for sure, have zero inclination to throw a tag around my neck. Seriously's buddy over at CNN Sports said he forgot about the Northern Trust and told me they'll probably sent a couple interns by with a camcorder and that's it. Along those very lines - my mother, God bless her, she's a compulsive gambler and she just called to tell me a joke. I was relieved it was a joke she wanted to run by me because I usually end up crying on the phone with her when she calls to tell me how much money she's dropped. And always under the pretense of "Son, let me tell you about all my winners!" She's 82 years-old and still doing 3 and 4 team parlays, the old bat, and it pisses me off to no end. But on this call, I was happy. She says to me, "What do call a hundred white guys chasing after a black man? Tiger Woods."

I knew the joke wouldn't play that funny in writing, you had to be there, but that's my ma so why don't you shut the fuzz up!

Ben Crane just won at Torrey Pines today so he'll have a head of steam going into Riviera and it'll be interesting to see if Phil Mickelson can repeat as champ, but I do think I hear professional golf singing, "Send Me An Angel."

P.S. On That Story

If any of you (we're at 9,271, officially, ) and I mean any of you ever find yourself at Riviera and you end up in the Turf Club, ask for Chi-Chi at the bar and tell him you're friends with Seriously. For obvious reasons, sobriety, stupid-ass self, I can't go there anymore but have Chi-Chi give you some of the "special port." Yes, that's encouraging drinking but I'm sure 105 out of a 100 of you can control yourselves, unlike your's truly. Enjoy.

A Straight-Up Mardy Pardy

As I write this post, I'm seated on a pretty joyous private jet, not mine, on it's way back from Mobile, Alabama. A business lady-friend of mine and I were guests of Mardy Gilyard, one of my Cincinnati homies, at this year's Senior Bowl played just last night. A grand time was had by all. It was just a lot of hot chocolate, love making and love taking. Not only did the North light it up, 31-13, but my guy, Mardy, (up from the streets and sleeping in his car with no scholarship,) officially crashed himself into the 1st round of the draft with a heart-stopping, MVP performance. 5 electrifying catches for 103 yards and a touchdown, 2 kick-off returns for 52 and a couple punts for 24. Minimal snaps, maximum effectiveness. Trust me. This big pretty bird has lots of people on it laughing right now.

P.S. On That Story

We know the Hall-of-Fame is littered with 8th-round draft picks but Tim Teabow as an NFL quarterback prospect? Oy, vey.

Seriously Chapter 70: Comparing That Mexican to Joe Willie Namath?

2010-01-23T15:51:00.000-08:00

Seriously received a call yesterday from Rick Seitz, an NFL guy at the news track desk of the Associated Press. I've known Rick for years and yet I was picking up on a distinct lack of familiarity in his voice. He asked me if I cared to comment on a Jets-related story he was busy writing, a story pertaining to That Mexican as "the second coming of Joe Namath at the New York quarterback position." "What do you see,?" he asks me. First of all, like I said, I was struck by his lack of familiarity. Not that Rick and I have been together in the trenches a million times but he knows what I do, I know what he does and we know each other from around. Not only that, my second ex-wife is his ex-wife's best friend. I told him, "I haven't seen him win a game yet, Seitzy, and why are you dishonoring and trampling the memory of Joe Namath with this article? And who put you up to talking to me, anyway? Who's pulling your string?" He hesitates, yammers for a few moments about reporting "the feeling on the street towards their rookie star" and then he all of a sudden confesses (nearly breaking down as a matter of fact,) that he'd been to compelled by his boss to pursue the angle and write the story, "no matter what." I was like, "What the hell is going on over at the Associated Press? I mean, I've heard of a puff piece before but this is down-right sacrilegious. Not to mention wrong on about 13 different levels" That Mexican in the same breath as Joe Willlie? Rick was gnawing at himself at this point and saying it was the fault of the new "Conglomerate Monstrosity Syndrome" where principles and journalistic integrity are often swallowed up and cast aside. "Do they actually think your readers are ignorant, with zero sense of history,?" I asked him. "It's all about generating new demographic eyeballs," he said, almost in tears. "They want the kids and what do kids not know? History. To them, Namath wasn't even that great in the game anyway because he didn't throw a touchdown pass." I went on to further chastise Rick Seitz's boss, an ass-whole who's name I won't mention. No doubt he had sent Rick to me for comment as a way of sending him to the wood shed for some reason or another. His boss knew damn well what my reaction would be. He wanted to see Rick squirm, the heartless son of a bitch. Ultimately though, all I could do was shake my head and thank almighty God, not just for you readers who are kind enough to follow Seriously and Sports Seriously, but for the fact I have my own independent news agency where we don't have to chase that corporate dragon. Maybe we don't have thousands of stock holders and bunches of millionaires walking around, but we at Sports Seriously do have our souls. That Mexican as the second coming of Joe Namath? Not yet and probably not ever. Sometimes, I swear, this business we're in makes me want to blow my stack. I'll talk to you guys tomorrow after the games so you understand why everything happened the way it did.

Stay tuned and thank you again.

Seriously Chapter 69: Last I Checked, I Wasn't Tiger Woods' Keeper

2010-01-19T12:40:00.000-08:00

I Talk to the Same People I've Always Talked To, Where the Hell Have you Been?

The following does not apply to most of the over-9,500 of you out there who know who you are:

Everybody's bugging me, Blackberry-style, yet again, as if I have some secret, sacred inside info source relating to the current plight of one Eldrick "Tiger" Woods. This, when we see a story just today over at entrenched, slobbering, behemoth, ESPN.com, about how Tiger Woods is now a patient at a sex addict clinic in Mississippi. This, when nearly two weeks ago, Seriously and Sports Seriously as an agency had reported to you all that Team Woods was, indeed, an in-patient at a certain well-known Mississippi sex addiction clinic. Side Bar: May God help and look after Tiger, I hope he gets the help that I know (believe me, I know) he needs. Tiger, of course, will end up being the victim in all this, and the most victimized. It's always that way for the adulterers because we're the ones who've been so wrong and anything you throw at us is entirely justified because we're genuinely bad, awful people and have let so many down. "Die, you filthy adulterer,!! and that's coming from your 7-year-old daughter as a for-instance. I'm not siding with Tiger, I'm just saying that bad choices come with horrific consequences such as having your own kid saying a coached line provided to them by their mother. But back to what I'm getting at and away from raging, alcoholic ex-wives who won't get treatment and lash out using children as pawns. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!! WHERE WAS I?!!!!

I'm no fountain of inside information on the Tiger Woods story, I've just got a couple friends over at Team Woods and they don't return my calls, just like the next guy on the beat. They do, however, reach out and throw me strategic bits of info which, in any other case, would qualify as dribs and drabs. Here on this story, they're like rare, precious gems from the orient. I've got media-types, guys I hate and who hate me, calling my office to get updates. Talk about starved. Here's the bottom line, Bozo Buttons - as soon as I have Tiger Woods info, you'll be the first to know. And also, the new me doesn't fret over getting disrespected and not-acknowledged for reporting stories two-weeks ahead of time when the, supposed, major media is just now getting around to it. I'll keep you posted.

P.S. On That

I hear if you get a picture of Eldrick right now, it's worth a cool $500,000. If you get a picture of him with another woman, it's 3 mill.

Seriously Has Only Called One Game Wrong in this Year's NFL Playoffs

Since gambling is within my cycle of addiction, I haven't been revealing who will win this year's playoff games as it would only encourage others to wager money they know they shouldn't. Sorry, again, to all of you who have contacted me for tips and I apologize if I didn't get back to every one of you. Thankfully, requests are down to a trickle so word, apparently, is getting out. Accordingly, all I will do is comment on the one's I didn't get right.

I thought, for sure, the Chargers would beat the Jets but the weasely, bastard kicker, Kaeding, enabled probably the biggest choke job in San Diego Charger history, which is saying a lot. Saying, "the biggest choke job in San Diego Charger history" actually exceeds saying, the biggest choke job in the history of the NFL. Jets 17 - Chargers 14. Good grief.

Seriously Chapter 68: Halitosis Through the Telephone

2010-01-15T17:24:00.000-08:00

Sorry I Wasn't Able to Pull Off the Madden Interview

Seriously knows that a lot of you were looking forward to my sit-down with NFL Hall-of-Fame Coach, John Madden, who was all set to reflect on this year's playoffs including the games this weekend. My sincere apologies for that and I hope the e-mail cancellation reached you in a timely manner. John is in L.A., with the bus, but he's also a retired guy and he does whatever the hell he wants. I know he shot a commercial today and his publicist was supposed to get me the final word on a time but, sadly, I have not heard and, I believe, 5:00pm was the cut off. Such is the life of trying to land a sit-down with someone on the A-plus list when you're an independent, versus someone from corporate sports whore-dom. A-plusers, your Michael Jordan's, your Phil Jackson's, you Phil Nike's, they literally write their own rules and you have to roll with everything.

On a Side Note, Though

One of the junior partners at John Madden's publicist's office, a lady I've run into many times, who I won't name, though I should because she just got done blowing me off by not calling me back, she has the most terrible, awful breath I've ever smelled in my entire 30 some-odd years in the sports business. Her breath is so bad, you can literally smell it when you're talking to her on the telephone. And, surprise, she's ugly as a tree stump. Is that cruel and cold? No, it's the truth. You think I don't look in the mirror and see sags where the sags are? I'm spilling everywhere. So don't sit there and judge this here fella as cruel. I'm towards truthful, always. It's a big city, folks. The point is - this stupid nasty, lonely, beaten-down chase called sports journalism doesn't just take it out on the men. The ladies get it, too. Her breath is really God awful.

An Answer From When I'm Running Around L.A.

People always ask Seriously, when he's out and about in Quake Town here, "is living the sporting news life as exciting as it seems?" I tell them, "Conceptually, yeah, but as a one-man army, it's mostly a big fat grind, this business of talking to people and reporting on it. Being the whole shebang here, the chief cook and bottle washer, I'm out all hours, chasing stories, drinking too much, eating all the wrong foods, constantly letting the family down." But I do feel I've cut back on a few things recently. I'd say, all thing considered - no staff and what not - I'm doing an pretty decent job of providing a full-service, sports news agency to several thousand fantastic people who have blessed me with their solemn trust. Is what I do, interesting? Yes. Is it exciting? No. Because, frankly, once you've seen it all in the sports game, you don't get excited about things, you can't, you just get moved by man's humanity to man every once in a while. Such as what we're witnessing down in Haiti right now as we speak. Text 90999 or give to Doctors Without Borders, please. I did am I'm a cheap bastard.

The Clippers Will Still Win the NBA Championship

But I don't want to get into it. Just know that I'm never wrong.

Stay tuned and hold your loved ones close.

Seriously Chapter 67: There's No Crying in Baseball

2010-01-13T15:33:00.001-08:00

It's a great line from a great sports movie and it's true. That's why Mark McGwire needs to fire all the lawyers that talked him into that insulting, manipulative, 5-years-too-late, Steroid Mea Culpa interview yesterday. It was a total disaster, Seriously's phone exploded as soon as it ended and the phones here in the office were going crazy. Let me tell you guys (9,471 and counting, bless you all) what I just told my friend over at ESPN only five minutes ago. First of all, how much more controlled and corporately schmoozed-out can you get than the setting which was this way-too-perfectly lit, sterile, sit down with the pasty, self-righteous one, Bob Costas, who gave a nauseating, I've-been-paid-off-and-I'm-not-a-journalist-anymore effort. McGwire might as well have been interviewed by his mother. Yeah, you've never heard of anyone saying a bad word about Bob Costas but those people aren't me, I'm a straight shooter. So you know, F.Y.I., Bob is what you call your basic, secret egotist, at least he was the last the time he and I crossed paths which was at a Miami debacle in 2005. A rather major sports writer's confab, featuring important mega-media owners, where Bob played skunk, sticking his 5 foot 1 ass off in the corner when us writers needed him to step up to the owners of these mega-media companies who were trying to engineer it so we worked for goddamn free. (And I'm an owner myself, saying that.) Costas was loud, grumpy, lazy, unprepared and his face always looked like he needed to take a dump. And I don't even want to get into my professional run-in with him, I won't even talk about it. (It's just another story about a news guy drawing the short straw.) I'll tell that one another day.

But Back to Mark McGwire, For God Sakes

Bottom line, no one wants to see a grown man cry, especially one as unattractive as Mark McGwire who's face looks like my penis if it were injured by explosive ordinance, only with red hair on it. Now that is a graphic and rudely inappropriate reference but, I guarantee you, it's not a lonely, hack reporter's Freudian psycho-drama playing out before your eyes. McGwire really is quite nauseating to look at and the sight of him trying to manipulate us with his "heart-felt remorse" had me blowing chunks and throwing a shoe, simultaneously. I hope he DOES get to do his job as the St. Louis Cardinal's batting coach and I hope the media fervor DOES subside in spring training and he DOESN'T prove a distraction to the team. But I mostly hope his genetic-misfire-lookin'-ass stays in the dugout and out of view.

Kurt Warner, Kurt Warner

If no one can put pressure on Kurt Warner, the Cardinals rightfully sit as the team to be ever-most feared. Being borderline cryptic is as much as I can reveal within the parameters of my day-to-day sobriety. Fresh out of rehab and all. I cannot help you pick football games though I do know who will win each one. So far, I'm perfect on all the games but it doesn't matter, does it? I can't help you. I love you all but please stop e-mailing me regarding picks. I'm hanging on for dear life and matters such as gambling combined with football are triggering mechanisms for Seriously.

Mark Sanchez deserves beheading.

Simmer Down, You Red Leg Fans

Seriously has been on the receiving end of an electronic deluge from the Mid-West. Yes, the Cincinnati Reds did sign the second coming of Randy Johnson in 22-year old Cuban phenom, Aroldis Chapman, but a World Series win in 2010, this does not guarantee. They still have to play the games. I love you people, though.

Back on Earth

The newsroom here at Sports Seriously is blasting right now but it's still just Yours Truly running things, so I can take time as I please and reach out folks like you who make this whole thing of ours possible. Still no staff hired back but I think I'm chugging along just fine. Harmless Keith is here but he doesn't really count. All he does is answer phones and make sure all the computers and machines are running smoothly. But don't worry.

I'll keep you posted on everything.

Seriously Chapter 66: I Just Got Off the Phone With a Blithering Idiot

2010-01-08T19:30:00.000-08:00

My first pro-football beat was in 1970 for the old Cincinnati Post when I didn't even have a byline. I was just writing stuff and giving the guys at the Post information about the Bengals as they were an expansion team and I knew everybody. In fact, that was the year I got my first big bones in sports journalism as I was covering the Bengals during their famous, magical 7-game winning streak. It was a record breaking streak and a level of play unheard of for a first-year professional team and yours truly had a front row seat. Not only that, I also had the pleasure of being involved in a sexual relationship with the sister of their placekicker, Horst Muhlmann. Those were great times and formative years. I was just a young nobody with a ball-point pen and a dream. Why am I bringing this up?

I'm bringing it up because it was also around this time that my career took me into the sphere of NFL ownership, where I met, interviewed, drank and smoked-with many NFL owners including the hated-but-great, Art Modell. Now why am I bringing up Art Modell? He used to own a team called the Cleveland Browns until he hijacked them to Baltimore in `96 where they took the place of the Colts who had moved to Indianapolis in `83. Art Modell, the man, was pure unadulterated class, all the way around. Even though we hated him and his team, he'd still compliment you on a nice pair of cuff links and when you asked the man a question, he gave you a straight answer.

The Same, My Friends, Cannot Be Said For This New Breed of Cleveland Brown Front Office-Types.

Seriously just got off the phone with an ass-hat of the highest order. His name is Keith Lerner and he's the nephew of current Cleveland Browns owner, Randy Lerner. Now I didn't call the Cleveland Browns to talk to him, Keith Lerner, who's position with the team is, I-don't-know-what. He called me. I had originally called their offices to talk to VP of Operations, Lew Merletti, who is a friend of mine, because I wanted to give my two cents on the Josh Cribbs situation which, as of press-time, seems to have gone way-far south, the Browns being on the verge of losing him to the 49er's. See, Josh Cribbs is their Hall-of-Fame-level flanker and kick-off returner who is currently under a contract, with 2-years left on it, which pays him $900,000 a season which, in real life, should be his meal money what with the level of performance he brings to the field. He is a deadly dangerous, All-World threat. Now maybe it's because they know we can't stand the Browns here at Sports Seriously, I don't know, but I never received a phone call back from Lew Merletti (which is a personal situation that I'll be handling privately.) But I did get a call back from an obnoxious prick who would have been bounced out of the organization in ten minutes in the old days, even if he were a member of the Modell family. This Keith Lerner creature invaded my cell phone uninvited and proceeded to talk about "how much I don't know you" and asking about my "journalistic credentials." I told him I was covering NFL games when he was sucking his thumb and holding his blanky against his right ear. I also told him to shut his fat mouth and give the new GM (and old friend of mine,) Mike Holmgren, a message. "Tell him he can sign Cribbs for less than market, right friggin' now if he's concerned about money (yeah, right. Every team in the NFL makes a king's ransom.) The kid is starving, his posse is crying. Pookie and Cool Breeze are still drinking 40's, two years into their boy's NFL thing and they ain't got shit for Hennessy. His moms ain't even in a condo. This is arguably the best football player in the entire National Football League and he's choking to death. So rip up the, fresh-out-the-MAC-Conference, contract and give the kid his money. You could get him for 5-million a year plus bonus money. Hell, Laverneus Coles' stats for the entire year were exceeded by Josh Cribbs in his last two games and Laverneus Coles makes 7-Million a year!"

I dictated the message, word for word, to this little prick and he responded with a smug, "I'll get it right to him," looking at me with a dismissive smile. It was the smile of an owner's son and this wispy jerk-off was only a nephew. The indignities one must endure in the acquisition and distribution of sports information. God of my God. But I did manage to have a little bit of off-hand, subtle fun with the Lerner lad. I said, "I hear I.M. Pei designed the Rock and Roll Hall-of-Fame there in Cleveland. Why don't you have him design a stick so you can shove it up your doppleganger ass." I owe that punk for nothing and I can't stand the Browns, anyway. All's I'm saying is that Art Modell is rolling over in his grave right now and he's not even dead.

Stay tuned.

Seriously Chapter 65: It Could Have Been Something

2010-01-07T21:02:00.000-08:00

Alabama Beats Texas 37 - 21

While congratulations and all love and respect go out to my friend, Nick Saban, and his victorious National Champion, Crimson Tide, this old note pad would have loved the history that would have been made had Texas freshman, Garrett Gilbert, come off the bench and won the championship for the Longhorns. As it was, he played a valiant game, coming close in a losing effort, and you know how Seriously roots for them losers. You show me losers and I'll show you athletes with a ton of heart and eight pounds of soul. Because they ain't got enough talent! Don't get me started. I love some scrappy scramblers.

No Football Predictions This Year

Seriously's mother is a problem gambler who, sadly for all of us, just won a big, fat wad of cash tonight betting on the Alabama Crimson Tide. Good for you, mom. Put the stick down so I can come over after work. Seriously also has several friends who wager too much money on games they really shouldn't. I'm talking about guys with kids, gambling away the milk money. Accordingly, I cannot in good conscience put out anything in the way of picks for this weekend's NFL Playoff games. While I do run a sports news agency, my record in picking playoff games (including wild cards) sits at 117-34 against the MGM spread. I've been rated on Pick`em.com as "Absolutely Sick" for 10 years when it comes to picking playoff football and, while I am a journalist, I've also lot made a lot of people a lot of money, including too many who didn't deserve it. But I've also seen guys BECOME sick as they bet on the wrong things, didn't listen to me and then tried and win it all back, whereupon they're out of control and they lose it all. All that in mind, fresh out of rehab and as a partner in addiction, I will not be telling you which teams will win the playoff games this weekend. I can no longer bear the thought that something I might say might cause so many, to wager so much, money that is so hard earned. It's the new me and that's a guy I can live with. I was put on this earth to report the news and tell a few stories along the way. So don't bet on the games, gambling is for suckers. Just enjoy the games and tell the people around you how much you love them.

Seriously Chapter 64: For 2010 - Living, Loving & Learning

2010-01-06T19:12:00.000-08:00

All blessings go out to the 600 or so of you who've been bombarding me with concerned e-mails and frantic-yet-thoughtful faxes. The events of the last four weeks have passed like a blur, like a wondrous blur of self-discovery. Now I know a man talking about "self discovery" is vomitous but truth is the coin of this realm and I'm giving it to you straight. I fell off the wagon, alright? Jameson's, Old Grand Dad and anything else I could suck down, I fell off hard. That's right - Seriously, the boss, the big cheese, the mover of men, the keeper of the flame, but in reality - the Emperor With No Clothes. Unbenownst to you, my dear and cherished fans, up until December 9th, 2009, I'd been in the sickening throes of a multi-month, Tsunami-level, one-man-wrecking-crew of a bender, the likes of which Los Angeles County hadn't seen in nearly a decade. Frankly speaking, even whores avoided me this time around and I say that with a head bowed in shame. I've reached dizzying heights in my time, had more success than any man ever deserved, made a ton of money, bedded more beautiful woman than Jan Michael-Vincent ever dreamed of, but never have I been able to conquer this cursed, infernal booze-bug of mine. I know most of you know my story, it's public. You know that by the time I was a fifteen year-old stringer for the old Cincinnati Post, they called me "Hitch" because I was the kid who could "drink the chrome off a trailer hitch." But I'm not gonna sit here and regale you with stories because then it'll seem like I'm fostering some element of glamorization. Booze kills and my lifestyle kills. Three ex-wives PALE IN COMPARISON to the wrath of the grape. I thank God I'm alive and I thank God for the folks at The Santa Clarita Center who took me in when I had nowhere else to turn. Yeah, at 10,000 bones a week but what do you care, cynics and haters? I'm trying to get soul-eating parasites like you OUT OF MY LIFE!

But I'm back now, fresh for the New Year, and I'm really looking forward to churning ahead so I can give you the sports news you have, thankfully, entrusted me to deliver. (Yeah, that's a poorly written sentence, I didn't say EVERYTHING has changed)

The departure of Warthog-From-Hell, Coach Brian Kelly, from the U.C. Bearcats to (snot and spit) Notre Dame, and the attending trauma that this caused for my family, that was the triggering event that led to what we in the booze-biz call, "rock bottom." And losing my quiet little friend from just outside Morgantown, Chris Henry, that didn't help Seriously's family, either. But that was the beginning of December and here we are now, friends. It is 2010 and I humbly ask, once more, for your sports confidence as I rise, I'd like to think, like a Phoenix, putting one mother f-ing foot in front of the other. There's football games to be played, the NBA's on fire and lookie right `round the corner, pitchers and catchers are coming. Yeah, WTF, I'm back. It's great to breathe again.

Stay tuned.

Seriously Chapter 63: Cincinnati is About to Explode

2009-12-08T12:38:00.001-08:00

"Don't You Do It, Coach Kelly"

I work in the stupid, sorry-ass, hack-filled world of sports journalism and believe me when I tell you that there's only one other field that contains more functioning, drunken idiots.

Sidebar Regarding Sports Reporters:

The sports game, as grim and grotesque as it is, should actually be a workplace model for the entire country because we've got more special needs retards competing on equal footing with everybody, more than anywhere else in society. Sorry to be so crass, Mom, but the coin of Seriously's realm happens to be the truth. The EEOC should be celebrating our industry.

But Back to My Point, What Brought Us Here

The only other profession that has more drunken idiots in it is the field of law enforcement (at least out here in Quake Town, that is, which is where Seriously and the Sports Seriously franchise has it's offices and is based.) When you're partying with an L.A. cop, the only thing you're not sure of is whether he'll be wearing women's or men's underwear around his neck when he's plastered and dancing on the pool table. These mother f-er's are completely flippin' crazy. But what they're not are liars, at least not to this sports gumshoe of record. Check it out. Word on the streets here in L.A. is that the city of Cincinnati, Ohio could possibly erupt into actual violence and civil unrest if beloved Coach Brian Kelly leaves the 3rd ranked Bearcats for the job at Notre Dame. And if Coach takes the job BEFORE this year's Sugar Bowl match versus Florida, there's a scenario where officials see the city as possibly being burnt to the ground. LAPD was been put on notice as of yesterday and one of my old SWAT buddies, Raphael, is going there as part of a special detachment of 45 that's being lent to city. I shite you not. This is real.

My Sisters Are Crying

With Cincinnati being my hometown, my two sisters, who can't stand my guts, they're weeping on the phone to me like I'm the Commissioner of College Football and I can stop the whole damn thing. "It's a free market, Lottie!! (my sister's name) You think Coach Kelly is returning my phone calls? I haven't been able to reach the guy since he was 7 and 0!!!" My other sister, Patrice, was bawling so pitifully it was like a Romanian fat lady about to lose her first born son to the dictator, Ceausescu. She developed an Eastern European accent right there on the phone as she talked to me, slobbering and weeping. "Patty, you're a lawyer, you don't care about anything!!! It's a football coach, for god sakes!!!" She screamed, "No, no, theese my ALMA MATER!! I geef dem money. I geef dem money even vhen they are 4 and 7 and losing to zee Akron Zips!! (Does the Romanian accent come across in this translation? I swear, it was freaking me out.)

At Least Let me Do This For You People in Southeastern Ohio

Notre Dame, as of today, lost Heisman candidate, Jimmy Clausen, and star receiver, Golden Tate, to the NFL. They're left with one freshman quarterback and a sack full of question marks all over the field coming off a 6-6 season. Cincinnati on the other hand, after winning the Big East and darn near the national championship this year, will field a top-ranked team of Sophomore stars on offense and defense and will led by a running, gunning Touchdown Jesus quarterback named Zach Collaros who was 4-0 this year stepping in for injured legend, Tony Pike, exhibiting toughness and poise worthy of one Marion Morrison aka John Wayne and it was the kid's freshman year. Assuming the University of Cincinnati matches Notre Dame's salary offer (THEIR OFFICES deserve to be fire bombed if they don't) then which, pray tell, is the better program? Hopefully none of that Catholic horse shit comes into play. God o'mighty, while I consider myself a (flawed) man of deep faith, I sure do hate me some organized damn religion.

And Speaking of Faith

I pray for the Queen City and all of it's citizens who may end up heartbroken and displaced should Coach Kelly decide to take leave of his senses and depart. And yet I'm reminded of what Jesus wrote. He said, "I even pray for thee who boweth at the altar of the Golden Dome." But ultimately, in the end, should that worst-case-scenario occur, I only hope cooler heads might somehow prevail and there won't be any destruction of property or loss of life.

Have you thought of these things, Coach Kelly?

Seriously Chapter 62: "Now It's Going Too Far"

2009-12-05T19:18:00.000-08:00

Tiger's People Respond

One advantage of living in Quake Town is that while you're choking to death personally, you do get a lot of stories first sometimes. New York blows, people. It's for dirty suckers and people who like to be shut in.

Just heard from Team Woods over in Century City. But before I drop that juice, side note for all you out-of-towners (you know you're my life blood and I love you):

Century City is where Los Angeles' lawyers gather from the ground up on two scrubbed boulevards, running parallel to each other, called Century Park East and Century Park West. Walking into Century City and saying "Is there a lawyer around?" is like walking into Mehmet's Warehouse of Rugs and asking, "You have a rug here you can sell me?" I'm talking six mother f-ing, 40-story, glass and steel monuments to private counsel. Esteemed American private counsel or what the great Al Sharpton refers to as "an intregal part of our system of justice and jewish prudence." Dewey, my guy over at team Team Woods (though he hasn't been acting much like my guy recently, what with the non-returning of my phone calls,) Dewey says re: the fourth broad that's just come out of the Woods-work, "This has officially become a premiere case of piling on. These girls can't shut their mouths about a damn thing and our guy can't even stub out a cigarette without everyone on earth knowing it's whereabouts. It's your classic rectal exam." "On who's part?" I asked. Dewey says to me, "What the f, Seriously? Are you making a crude joke on my dime and at this time? You got 23 years in this business. Should I end this conversation?" "Hey, Dewey, lighten the load when you're talking to me, Chief. Maybe talk to your #1 about how he treats the media. Tiger hasn't exactly tossed us bouquets of bonmots over the years or even many bromides, for that matter. Your guy's cold as a Seattle fish for the last decade, making our job a veritable Madam-Lena-the-Palmist guessing game, and now this pain in the ass wants to whimper about privacy when we're onto something even bigger than Tiger Woods, no thanks to him?" I don't even know what I'm saying right now and I'm writing this. Dewey says, "We're attacking, head on, all these false and pernicious lies about Tiger Woods just as soon as College Bowl season is over at the beginning of next year. Tiger's not an NFL guy." See, folks, when your client has that much money, he can even approach personal tragedies in a leisurely way.

Bottom Line and Where On Where it Stands as Far As Team Woods

So no big moves on Tiger's part until next year and they'll do everything possible to engender sympathy until then, no matter how many broads keep rearing their ugly heads. They want Elin out in public with Tiger and the kid, home girl's gotten the pre-nup amended to the tune of 80-mill-her-way with a downsized minimum of only three years, her having to stay. Did Tiger pay for a good lawyer for her, or what? So that's the tactic right now for Team Woods.

But on the Purely Human Side

I, myself, have been divorced three times and have had more cruel venom thrown my way than a snake handler. So I can comfortably put a human face on exactly how Eldrick "Tiger" Woods is feeling right now. When the weight of the world is on your shoulders and you're laying your head on that pillow at night going, "Ah, crap." This incredible Tiger Woods story jumps all over the place. It's just like real life.

Until then...

Seriously Chapter 61: Tiger Update & Let's Get it All on the Table, Brian Kelly

2009-12-03T17:47:00.000-08:00

Seriously Breaks Through

My questionable friend, Chris, over at the Los Angeles Times (he's on the Tiger Woods hustle for those bloated idiots downtown,) he says to me of gum-shoeing this story, "Tiger Woods has more Jews working for him than Bibi frickin' Netanyahu." And then Seriously retorts, "Check it out. The story's locked down tighter than Tom Thumb's asshole right now but this mamma jammah is only just getting started." And then the L.A. Times guy says, "Yeah, really. And Mister Woods, you might want to leave open the check book." Forgive the glee but, truth be told, Eldrick has a little bit of a history of being rude to journalists and is now considered by those of us in the infidelity business as a jackass to have left recorded messages or texts of any kind. Forget a schlub like me who's just out chasing stories, no skanky party chick would ever save a message or text from the most famous athlete in the history of the world. No way! That's not how you fool around on your wife. Take it from me, I've fooled around on three. I can be a drunken, disgusting louse when I'm not on the job, truly and it's liberating to be able to admit that in public and to all of you who have blessed me with your continued sports patronage.

But I did finally get my guy over at Team Woods on the phone today and he told me that Tiger's wife, Elin, was swinging a 3-iron during the incident last week. Apparently she wanted a 2 at first, but even the wife of Tiger Woods can't hit a 2-iron.

Cincinnati Bearcat's Coach, Brian Kelly, Has Told Notre Dame to Kiss His Wide, Rippling Ass

Never did he think he'd engage in such discourse with representatives of a religious institution, but that's apparently how it went when they offered him the coaching job, only two hours after firing Charlie Weis. But that will be a story, slash, set-of-fireworks, for another day. I don't want to cause Coach Kelly any publicity grief during the season. Hell, he's gonna be playing for a national championship in a few weeks.

Stay tuned.

Seriously Chapter 60: No Word From Tiger's Camp & A Phone Call From the Steelers

2009-11-28T16:40:00.000-08:00

Memo to All: I Know As Much As You Do

From all the e-mails Seriously's been getting the last couple days (which are now becoming verbal broadsides. Sorry, I needed time to think. Since my bi-yearly, intentional purging of staff, it's been just Seriously and Harmless Keith here at a large office and he's mostly occupied with keeping the computers, phones and machines running, me running the whole she-bang) It's obvious that a lot of you out there are overrating me as it relates certain vital sports scenarios. And while I'm honored by your confidence, let me be clear and up to date. I'm not anybody's go-to-ANYTHING on this whole, entire Tiger Woods story. I know as much as anybody on CNN knows. Sorry, all. You know I love you, all 8,431 of you, but I'll be the first to tell you when I ain't got the rocks. Even on a normal day, Seriously wouldn't be able to get Eldrick "Tiger" Woods on the phone without at least a couple of phone calls. Right now, Seriously can't even reach his people, that's how thick all this crap is getting. But I can throw you some insight, for whatever it's worth, and tell you a little bit about the way it works for us here in the sports business, even for old-timers like myself. Like Phil Jackson, Tiger Woods is what you call a rare-air individual in that, as a journalist, you take whatever he's giving you and you shut your mouth, no matter how many years you've got in the business. In person, Tiger's extraordinarily courteous but he also likes it if you act like you're the one who's running out the door. And while I've had several actual sit downs with Phil (and what I'd like to think is a somewhat of a relationship,) Tiger's always been a chase for old Seriously. We've never had a sit-down and I'd never ask him. Homie is way too private. He's in the echelon of Magic, Michael, Larry and Wayne in that you just want to leave those guys the hell alone. They'll come to you if you stick around long enough.

Seriously will let you know what you need to know about Tiger as soon as I know. Right now, I'm sure, like any citizen, he's got his lawyers busy getting the accident scene in shape and we're likely receive more information when his lawyers brief law enforcement on how things will be proceeding from here on out. Stay tuned.

A Dash Of Sanity From The Pittsburgh Steelers In the Form of a Phone Call

When Seriously refers to "my guy" in any particular sports organization, it's usually assured that the contact is also a friend. But in the case of Cliff Rooney from the Pittsburgh Steelers, (who I've called Zipper since he was eight-years-old,) I'm not so sure. He just called to let me know, before it went public, that, yeah, the Steelers had changed their mind and are benching Ben Roethlisberger this week versus the Ravens, (six days after his forth concussion at age 28.) But instead of taking him to the verbal woodshed, like I should have, I could give a flying rip this punk's the owner's son, I didn't say anything. Even though I was completely, totally, publicly vindicated from my last conversation with him (which I reported on in Chapter 59,) where dude was rude and hung up on me, even though I was standing up for HIS player. Hut ever, irrational representative of a major sports franchise. Nepotism is alive and well, I see. But here I didn't say anything, not a word, not a damn thing. I just said, "Yeah, and?" And the little porker hung up on me, yet again. I hate the Pittsburgh Steelers, I really, really do, but at least Big Ben will be sit down for a week and maybe even two.

Still haven't heard a thing regarding the concussion policy from the Commissioner's office. I'll have to get on the blower.

Seriously Chapter 59: Steeler Shame & The Game

2009-11-24T14:29:00.000-08:00

For 23 years, I've been turning over tables and pissing in people's bowls of Wheaties, from the first day I ever got into this stupid, stinking sports news business. But not until today had I ever been the recipient of a threatening phone call. Now I'm a normal guy and I can get a little mean. And I've been threatened before and I've been threatening. But never have I been directly threatened (I know that makes sense because I know how you all know me.)

It like this, y'all - Seriously just got off the phone with the son of Steeler's owner, Dan Rooney. His name is Cliff Rooney but I call him Zipper because I've known the little smart-ass since he was a fat little kid. Well now, apparently, all he's got is a fat little mouth. Zipper's threatening death to my face (over the phone) because he heard I had the "galling temerity" to go public with my disgust over the fact that his stupid Steelers were starting Ben Roethlisberger this Sunday, six days after his 4th concussion at the age of 28. "For shame," Zipper snarled at me. "How dare you bite the blessed hand that's been feeding you!!? How dare you!!?" I said, "Fuck you, Zipper. On the sideline Sunday, your man was tweety-bird goofy like he'd been bopped by a passing truck." Now I rarely use four letter words but this chump was pissing me off. I said, "If that was your kid and he had gotten his 4th concussion, would you send him out there next week for a division game against the Baltimore Ravens?" Zipper said nothing and hung up on me. So I can only guess from that exchange I haven't made any new friends over at the Pittsburgh Steelers. But, guess what, America? It's not about me and it's not about the Steelers, they can burn and rot in hell. It's about Big Ben. I've gone from wanting him dead to being worried about the big lug. Anyway, I gotta go. Every time I think I have a conscience, it makes me want to run.

Roger Goodell, where are you?

Seriously Chapter 58: Kobe Says, "Lord What Fools These Mortals Be"

2009-11-23T22:17:00.000-08:00

Though we do originate from Quake Town, we don't endorse the Los Angeles Lakers' brand here at Sports Seriously as this is a Clipper's building. But witness below, in case you missed it, Kobe Bryant's over-the-backboard shot last night against the Thunder. As my dear departed Bessie Mae would say, "Oh my, gidness."

http://ballhype.com/video/kobe-bryant-over-the-backboard-shot-hd/

Seriously Chapter 57: Blake Griffin, Steady as She Goes

2009-11-21T17:47:00.000-08:00

It Takes Time To Be a Super-Star

15 games into the NBA season and Seriously hears annoying levels of cackle throughout sports media, (particularly from the usual suspect idiots who supposedly run ESPN.com,) about the fact that number one draft pick, Blake Griffin isn't averaging over 20 points a game for this year's Los Angeles Clippers who, oops, sit only 2 games out of the Pacific Division lead. I'll take 16, 8 and 5 every day of the week, thank you very much. And clog-it-up defense all over the court and the decidedly-not-rookie-like play making ability. Not to mention that he's played the 4th most minutes in the entire league. As my dear mother would say "My God, Miss Agnes," what the hell else is the young man from Oklahoma supposed to do? Are you in the media to become a herd of jackals? As the Los Angeles Clippers are heard from in this year's playoffs, patsies no more and contenders for the O'Brian Trophy, the last thing anybody on earth will be worried about is Blake Griffin's points-per-game average which will likely top out around 23 come March. Don't worry about this kid. Just let him "do what he do" and witness.

Post Script

Seriously had a sit-down with Blake Griffin just yesterday but it ended up being personal in nature as opposed to fair-game, shop talk so I can't deliver as promised in terms of relating what was said between myself and the rookie. I'm just getting to know the kid, I met his wife, Kiki, who's a dish and a sweetheart, but he did promise we'd meet "another time, real soon." I'll keep you posted.

Seriously Chapter 56: Marvin Being Marvin

2009-11-16T14:03:00.000-08:00

My Sit-Down With Marvin Lewis

Cincinnati is Seriously's hometown, though he's taken to slinking in and out unnoticed these days, having created as many enemies there as he has friends (and that's just talking about his own family.) My love affair with the Queen City itself has never faded, I just have trouble negotiating around all the friendships/relationships I've drunkenly trashed in that town like a big fat idiot.

But here I was downtown, fresh off some scrumptious late morning Skyline, walking across the bridge to Paul Brown Stadium. Kirby, the Bengals' security ape, who I've known since he was a little kid, stomping on wax paper cups after Red's games, he gives me the usual third degree at the desk because he knows I'm wearing my Brooks Brother's trench coat year round when I'm working and they see it as a security risk, though I'm not sure if it has to do with concealed weapons or the fact I haven't had it laundered in years. Whatever, I love Kirby and the guys. So they get me to Marvin's lovely secretary, Becky, who finally walks me into his office, and there, fresh off the biggest regular season win in Cincinnati Bengal's franchise history, was the Grey Haired Teddy Bear himself, exhausted as hell but willing to talk. We get the family stuff out of the way, (Marvin even remembering the names of both of my ex-wives,) and we get right down to business. He tells me how proud he is of his men and how they fought and "how sweet it was to finally bring the gargantuan beat down on Ben Roethlisberger." Later adding, "especially with how many times they've put it up our ass, the last 5 years." I asked him if he was worried about Cedric Benson's hip injury and he said "no," just as ex-Kansas City Chief running back, Larry Johnson, walked by and poked his head in to say "I'll call you" to Marvin, having finished his work out and tour of the facility. Larry and I exchanged a pleasantry before he left, (I had met him in Honolulu in `06,) and I turned right to Coach Lewis point blank, asking him to comment "off the record-on the record" about signing the displaced/disgraced All-Pro as a back up running back due to long term concerns over the injury to Cedric's hip and the balky knee of super rookie, Bernard Scott, he of the fuck-you-right-away, 96 yard, opening play dagger-in-the-chest run back for touchdown against the hated Steelers. Marvin then proceeds to disappoint me, treating me like a pool reporter with the reluctant smile and the full froggy-voice run down - yada-yada, the team's needs versus what Larry could provide in a limited role, repeatedly referring to the All-Pro of 2007 as "the fourth option" at running back. I reminded Coach that I was slipping him cigarettes and treating him like the rolly-polly genius that he is back when he was a lowly, two-bit linebacker's coach at Idaho St. "Give me a break, Lewis." Then Coach closes the door and leans towards me, confessing how "nasty, dastardly" Larry Johnson had looked in workouts. "Who knew a rich guy could be so hungry, going after a job the way he did when we brought him in yesterday. The way he made his cuts, he was jumping out of the building, blowing up our practice squad guys. L.J. would have snapped his femur if we asked him to." "Seriously," he said, "give him about two weeks and he'll be catching balls out of the backfield and about four to have our system in his brain. We're not asking him to be Gayle Sayers, we're just asking him to be ready for anything." I asked about Larry's baggage, "him calling folks faggots and all." Marvin was quick to respond. "Hey, those comments have no place in the NFL and Larry's apologized profusely for that screw up. Everybody knows, or should know, that the NFL has a total open door policy with regards to homosexuality. How could we not, we're all men!?" I said, "Marvin, I agree. From my end, I've got nothing against the gays. I have gays who work for me and I love these goddamn kids. But let's get back to the team. Are the Cincinnati Bengals going to win the Super Bowl this year which, as you know, Coach Lewis, I have gone on record and predicted? There's myself and about 7,900 Sports Seriously followers who want you to address this." Sly dog that Marvin Lewis can be, he ignores my question and launches into a long winded explanation about the elaborate system he and the rest of team officials had devised to keep first round flop, Andre Smith, away from the dinner table. "It's a system of ropes, pullies, pad locks and an entire mobile kitchen that we hide. When we got `Dre into camp he was at 510 pounds plus a bag full of forks, whereupon he broke his foot on the first practice snap. We have him at 350 now and he's running stairs just fine. Andre Smith just needs to recover from that first contract and we feel very confident we'll have him on the field, easily, by the 2012 season." I could tell this interview was going nowhere so we dove in and talked some holy-shit,-your-defense for a few minutes and about how good Carson Palmer would be if he wasn't a one-handed quarterback. Then Marvin shows me a picture of his lovely daughter, Jenny, who is in college and I said to him as soon as I left there I'd be going to go have lunch with an ex-girlfriend, Shenae Foster, who is the daughter of Bengals legend and NFL Hall-of-Famer, Boobie Clark. Marvin knows Boobie, everybody knows Boobie. Then we laughed about a couple of personal things and he promised that he'd come see me at my office in Quaketown as "L.A.'s where the NFL's Competition Committee is meeting this spring." I said, "I don't know, Coach Lewis. I'm thinking I might be seeing you in February in Miami." He said, "Seriously, my man, from your lips to God's ears." Then we shook hands, said a couple good bye's and I was gone.

Epilogue:

As I'm walking back across the pedestrian bridge towards my hotel near Fountain Square, I laughed to myself about the fact I was due to fly back in L.A. that night for my much ballyhooed interviews with Jamarcus Russell and Blake Griffin. But those sit-downs have to wait, I'm afraid, I had to cancel that flight. I was to go have lunch with a very pretty lady.

Seriously Chapter 55: Attn.: An Announcement

2009-11-13T14:57:00.000-08:00

Monday Sit Downs With Marvin Lewis, Jamarcus Russell and Blake Griffin

Tune In For This Remarkable Trifecta - 11/16/09

Seriously knows Marvin from back in the Idaho days, Jamarcus wants to reflect on his remarkable odyssey from "big fatty" to NFL star and Blake just keeps taking it to the hole as the Clippers continue their remarkable surge to the NBA's upper echelon. My separate sit downs with these three compelling and influential sports figures will take place as of Monday evening, November 16th here on Sports Seriously.

Make sure you catch it.

7,834 and counting. Thank you and God bless you all.

Seriously Chapter 54: How Deep in the Bench Can the Lakers Go?

2009-11-10T16:51:00.000-08:00

That seems to be the question here in Quake Town as the Los Angeles Lakers toy with the entire league, so devastatingly good at 7-1 that they've taken to pummeling other teams even without injured front liners, Gasol and Bynum. D.J. Banga', from the far reaches of the bench via some damn place in Africa, even he is swatting balls into the seats and hitting bank shots from all over the place. It's so good at Staples right now, Sasha Vujachic is frickin' absolutely terrible to the point that it's not even worth spelling his name correctly, they're still playing him all the time and STILL winning by 24 points. NBA history is being made with this Laker team right now.

Seriously spoke with Phil Jackson today (on the phone, mind you. Phil only allows Seriously two visits a year as he doesn't like doing non-contractual media) and I tried to make fun of his good fortune and embarrassment of riches. In typical Phil fashion, all he did was smile and say, "We're just running Tex's system." And I said, "Okay, Professor Humble." Phil Jackson, goddamnit, is one of the smartest guys you'll ever meet with one the great laid back senses of humor of all time. He smiles a lot and is way too cool for Seriously (I'll admit it when I'm not in someone's league) but Phil and I happen to connect on the subject of music which is almost always a private subject for Seriously. So congratulations to Phil Jackson and the L.A. Lakers for their mind boggling start to this NBA season. While we embrace the Clipper colors here at Sports Seriously, sometimes you just have to tip your hat.

Seriously Chapter 53: Manly Stuff From the `Natti

2009-11-09T15:35:00.001-08:00

This Is What Happens When Real Men Coach Football Teams

Going into Friday night's ESPN shootout against West Virginia, Coach Brian Kelly of the 5th ranked University of Cincinnati Bearcats has, once again, shown Founding Father-level, envious, John Wayne-ish character in choosing to start Senior quarterback Tony Pike, back from injury, over Sophomore Zach Callaros, a kid who's literally taking college football by storm. See the story linked below from my good friend Brian Bennett over at Espn.com.

http://sports.espn.go.com/ncf/news/story?id=4637800

Seriously Chapter 53: I Know What It's Like to Get Flack

2009-11-03T17:38:00.000-08:00

Seriously never knew he engendered so much scorn. Maybe some of you out there can relate. I'm getting hammered from all angles by everybody in town after guaranteeing a Philadelphia romp in the World Series. And by "everybody in town" I'm not talking about the fans who have been nothing but sweet and supportive as hell, I'm referring to the jackasses who pass themselves off as sports news men or commentators in L.A., New York, Philly & Cincinnati.

But this is healthy for a boss. It's what happens in business when you operate without your normal staff buffer. You're outside the corporate cube and you get to see what people really think of you.

I'm out there covering the games myself, expending some shoe leather as I am want to do when operating with an intentionally short staff and people seem to want to take liberties with me, even when they know what the hell I'm doing. I've been doing the same damn thing every year or so (laying my people off) for the last twelve years.

I don't need to be out here, I'm out here because it's important that I do it. I owe it to all the people (7,103 and counting) who follow Sports Seriously and want to know what the heck's going on. What the real sports deal is, from the field to the locker room to the owner's box.

What makes the situation worst of all is that most of these degenerate, hack journalists are blaming me for their gambling losses. And they know full well that Seriously hates nothing on earth more than gambling on sports. To a true sportsman, gambling money on the games is an infamnia. It's like taking a dump in your own oatmeal. I do the ponies (holy schmoly how I do the ponies) but betting on team sports is one of the world's abominations, rivaling what's going on in Darfur. And yet Seriously could give you a list of 11 names from the world of sports right now, names you'd instantly recognize, who are crying, bitching and moaning to me about how I "promised!!!!" that the Phillies would win the Series in 6 games. It angers me to no end. Kevin Baxter of the L.A. Times is like a 13 year old girl at this point. I've told them that the Series isn't over yet but they're scared and they know I haven't been wrong in picking the World Series winner since 2000, when I accidentally took the Mets. I understand the trepidation. When someone's right so many years in a row you're naturally thinking, "this might be the year!" But god I hate this gambling of money, I've seen it ruin so many lives.

Yes, down 3-2 in games heading back to Yankee Stadium, it's possible the Phillies could lose this thing. Seriously is a human being, after all.

Seriously Chapter 52: The World Serious

2009-10-28T16:52:00.000-07:00

You Always Remember Your First

The first World Series I covered was an unforgettable one in 1990 as the Cincinnati Reds swept the heavily favored Oakland Athletics in 4 games. The day before Game 1 at Riverfront, I told A's starter, (and now dear friend,) Dave Stewart that the Red Legs would defeat the mighty A's a la David vs. Goliath. He laughed that Fu Manchu laugh of his, right in my face, and shot out his left palm which had the old Chinese proverb, "Are You Kidding Me?" tattooed onto it. How right I was and how wrong he was, (we chuckle about it to this day.) I remember drinking scotch with Eric Davis after he got out of the hospital. I remember the Bash Brothers and the impeccable preparation of Jose Canseco who'd actually have guys hit him fungos so he could practice bouncing fly balls off the top of his head. A young Barry Larkin, the great Carney Lansford, the Nasty Boys, Lou Pinella dancing on Charlie Sheen's pool table and Chris Sabo running around the locker room in only his jock strap, spraying champagne and giving fake blow jobs. It was a series to remember and the first of many.

And Here We Are on the Eve of This Year's Series

I can't tell you how much silence I've heard on the other end of the phones in the last few weeks in telling various colleagues and their outlets that this will be the first World Series in 19 years that Seriously won't be at attending on behalf of the Sports Seriously franchise. A drinking problem, an ex-wife wife walking around with a pillow case full of Oxycontin and concern for my youngest daughter, Chubby, have necessitated that I keep the home fires burning this year. But fear not, franchise followers, you'll be kept abreast of all the inside stories as I have people with both the Phillies and Yankees organizations.

From the Diamond:

As we head into game 1, you don't need a lot of mustard for this hot dog - the Philadelphia Phillies will win the 2009 World Series. There's too much pitching and a murderous line up. You might say, "Hey, Seriously, you just described the Yankees." But the truth is, nobody played better team ball this year than Country Charlie's Phillies and you combine that with their World Series savvy? It's not going to happen for the bloated Bronx Bombers. Seriously would be surprised if it went 6 games. Phillies in 5.

From the Grid Iron:

- Kudos to the powerful Cincinnati Bengals as they continue their unimpeded march to this year's Lombardi Trophy.

- A shout-out to the hated 5-2 Steelers who have Polamalu back as well as their mo-jo.

- Serious-level attaboy's to the Indianapolis Colts who seem invincible at 6-0.

- Drunken back slapping welcome backs to the Arizona Cardinals who seem to have regained their play of last year with a victory over the Gents. They're hosting the Panthers next week and lead their division at 4-2.

- Holy mother f-ing shit's to phenomenal New England who are now clicking on all cylinders at 5-2.

- Exaltations to the Bourbon Street Bullies, those `Nawlins Saints who are a perfect 6-0 and killing people.

Then There's

- Boo-boo's to the N.Y. Giants have lost two straight and fall to 5-2. What's a vet like Eli Manning doing making all those mistakes?

- Shame on the wretchedly excessive Washington Redskins at 2-5. These guys are lost and seem barely even able to complete the snap from center.

- Go to hell, Panthers, at 2-4. Y'all got a lot of good players but no poise and your quarterback is an abomination.

- Spare me the Chargers who are the weakest a 3-3 team in years. Losing Merriman has been devastating and they're a defensive sieve waiting to happen.

- Tears and sorrow to the Detroit Lions at 1-5. Please, your country needs you to win football games.

- Attention Rams, Tampa Bay, Titans, Raiders, Cleveland and Kansas City: Why, for the love of god, are you in this league? Chloroform, please.

Quick Hoops

The Los Angeles Clippers, despite losing the NBA's finest player, Blake Griffin, for the first 6 weeks, will still cruise quite easily to their 5th NBA title.

Stay tuned. I'll let you know about everything.

Seriously Chapter 51: Philly is Silly

2009-10-23T17:55:00.000-07:00

Not just because the Phillies bounced the Dodgers the way they did but how about those Eagles losing to the, uh, Raiders? What a week.

From the Diamond:

The Phillies Take the NLCS From the Dodgers, 4 to 1 in Games and Advance to the World Series - A Bitter Sweet Dodger Post Mortem

I was walking around an empty Dodger Stadium today, waiting for my old friend, Joe Torre, to finish the last of his final exit interviews. He and I would be having a sit down, as we are want to do at the end of every season, but I must have gotten to the stadium a little too early. Joe and I usually have this annual at Chi Chi's Room, which is a Cuban cigar place on Lincoln Boulevard, but instead he called me over to my old Chavez Ravine stomping grounds. Running into my Dodger friends who are still with the organization is always a thrill, and a few heads did pop out of some offices, but I must admit a touch of melancholia at how few people I even know anymore. There's nothing but kids with MBA's down there! And so many Asians. And no Tommy!! What the fuzz are the Los Angeles Dodgers without Tommy Lasorda? Though we don't endorse the Dodger brand at Sports Seriously, we feel like we're members of the Dodger family, with all the years of business we've done, and not seeing Tommy there was a heartbreak. But I digress. Though I'd had a twenty second conversation with Joe earlier in the day, him telling me to come down, he and I were about to be talking for the first time since the Wednesday Night Philadelphia Beat Down. Now I would never call it the Wednesday Night Philadelphia Beat Down to Joe's face but that's what it looked like to this reporter watching on a 64-inch with the ex-wife in his lap. Now the ex-wife part, that's a whole other story. Though Seriously has done some recent soul searching, as he always does when he cleans house of staff, he's not going to burden Seriously followers in search of the news with tales of bad broads. Suffice it to say that Seriously's personal life is volatile, every time I walk in my house it's like somebody rolled a grenade into the room, but that's not going to affect me to the point where I can't call a spade a spade as it relates to what I do as a professional. Yes, the The Los Angeles Dodgers got the holy, living shit kicked out of them but I'm not going to say that to Joe Torre's face, two days after it's happened. They don't make scotch old enough for me to do that to Joe.

I'm a habitually on-time person so here I was, planted in some modern leather contraption of a chair outside his office. I could hear Joe in there with Manny Mota whose beautiful cackle I would know from half a mile, Manny being a friend and one of the first interviews I ever did for the old L.A. Herald in 1981 when he broke the major league record for most pinch hits. "Cumpleanos" was the only Spanish word I knew at the time and he and I just took it from there. I was, later on, lucky enough to enter into a sexual relationship with his beautiful neice, Patrizia, who I'm friends with to this day, she's an attorney in Century City. So Manny comes out and we reunite. For some reason, he asks me for my card which was a little strange. While I'm not THAT well known outside the sports game, if you're in Quake Town and you can't reach Seriously than you ain't in Quake Town. But being the real and only Manny on the Dodgers, it was just Manny being Manny and he was of great humor and glowing countenance (and Manny Mota doesn't even know what that word means) That is, until I congratulated him on the great season he had. He just looked down and then off and I apologized for bringing it up. Then we shared a couple more jokes, he asked about my families, hugged Joe again and then he was gone. Joe and I looked at each other like - that's the one only Manny Mota of Los Angeles. A beautiful class act. So I go into Joe's office and we sit down. I've never been in his L.A. office, mind you, and this guy makes about ten mill a year, but this office was no more pretentious than the office I provide for my out of town stringers just passing through, looking for a place to finish some work. The only thing on the walls are two pictures, his late Momma Lena and Joe's sweetheart of a brother, Frank, a business man who heroically survived an extremely severe case of butt cancer. But that's Joe for you. While he likes the finer things, he doesn't need the big things, you know what I mean? That's why his office is the way it is. As soon as Joe's rear hit the foam doughnut in his chair, he let out a huff like he was spitting out a drink. It then became apparent that he hadn't slept for a couple days, especially when he told me so. In other words, the tenor of what came out of mouth in the form of speech was entirely congruous with the rings beneath his eyes which hung low, dark and tired like Brooks Robinson after a day/night double header. Yeah, I know that's bad writing but I wanted to mention Brooks and old school eye black, so kiss my ass.

While Joe was drinking his trademark Bigelow decaf tea and going to the can about every six minutes, Joe is a man of the grape and he and I have shared a few cab sav's in our time. Accordingly, it's hard for Joe to not laugh when he sees me, given our escapades of younger days. So sorrow aside, he still was able to maintain that low voiced jocularity as we spoke and he got business out of the way real quickly, telling me exactly what the Dodger plans were for the off season. "This team is close, Seriously. A number one starter and a couple of odds and ends and we're a World Series team." Then he mentioned Juan Pierre and got emotional for a moment and then I asked about Orlando Hudson whereupon he wept. The rest of the meeting was personal and I promised Joe I wouldn't spill the beans on the moves they'll be making in the off-season. Dodger fans just need to know that they'll be very pleased going into spring training next year as these deals are already done, folks. "I know this team can win it all next year." Joe walked me out of the office and we laughed as we shook hands again. We knew we were only gonna have time to run into each other about once or twice in the next year but as he said to me, "Hey that's enough."

The Angels Are Alive Against the Mighty Yankees, Down 3 - 2 in Games Going Into Tomorrow Night

While this ALCS should be viewed as a possible classic in the making, the entire series has been overshadowed by some noticeably terrible umpiring. Angel Dave is an alcoholic fan who's given great support to the Sports Seriously franchise over the years and I thought it appropriate to give you his unvarnished report on what seems to be an overriding problem in this series.

Umpires Officially Are Screwing the Angels in ALCS vs. Yankees!!

By Angel Dave

Last night's bullshit calls were an abomination to the game, the Angels and even...A-Rod. The Yankees are so good and playing so well, they would probably advance to the World Series regardless. Facing C.C. Sabathia and the Yanks' murderer’s row is tough enough as it is; the Angels shouldn’t also have to overcome shitty umpires who look like they've been bought and paid for. This is embarrassing.

Either the umpires here in the playoffs are incompetent or they’ve been instructed to give the Yankees as many calls as possible. Shitty, horrible calls for New York started in the division series with Phil Cuzzi calling Joe Mauer’s double down the left field line a foul ball when it wasn’t even a close. That was pretty darn egregious. Then it continued in, I believe, Game 2 of the ALCS when the second base umpire didn’t give Erick Aybar the phantom tag at second when he was trying to turn a double-play. Yes, I’ll admit that Aybar never tagged the bag but that’s never been an issue for umps — it’s always been accepted. Unfortunately that call was only small potatoes compared to the two horrendously blown calls by the umps in Game 4. In the top of the 4th, Scott Kazmir tried to pick off Nick Swisher at second with a spin move. The throw from Kazmir to Aybar was spot on and they easily had Swisher, no doubt about it. Swisher was called safe and he later advanced to third. Then the very next inning, the umpires were up to their same tricks and this might have been the absolute worst call of the series - In the top of the 5th, the Yankees had Jorge Posada on third and Robinson Cano on second with one out. Nick Swisher hit a grounder to Darren Oliver who threw home, getting Posada caught in a rundown. Mike Napoli chased Posada back to third and tagged both Posada and Cano out (Cano had headed towards third). For some unknown reason, the third base umpire called Posada out and Cano safe. Yankee fans will point to the fact that no runs were scored because of this mistake, so it doesn’t matter. Problem is, every extra out you give a lineup like the Yankees will kill you. What’s better to start an inning, Melky, Jeter and Damon or Jeter, Damon, and Teixeira? It’s a huge difference when you’re talking playoff baseball.... I'm just saying.

Thank you, Angel Dave, for your surprisingly lucid and appropriate commentary.

Stay tuned to Sports Seriously for NFL and NBA. It'll be everything you need to know about everything.

Seriously Chapter 50: NFL's A Poppin' and Can't Talk About Lamar

2009-10-13T15:39:00.000-07:00

From the Gridiron:

The Denver Broncos, wearing throw back uniforms that looked like a cross between a bumble bee and Designs by Charles Comiskey, continue to baffle every normal thinking person on earth as they moved to 5-0 on Sunday with another WTF victory. This time over a New England team that's still assuming, two days later, that they're going to win the game. Granted, it was played at Mile High Like I give enough of a crap about the Broncos to get the name of their new stadium right? but that was Denver's biggest home victory in years. Twill be fascinating to see the Broncos play at San Diego next Monday night as that game will be Norv Turner's almost-last-stand as coach of the Chargers. Look for the Bolts to win it out of complete and utter desperation.

In the AFC North, the Bengals continued their undefeated 5-0 "March to the Lombardi" with a shocking road triumph over the heavily favored Baltimore Ravens. Pittsburgh went ahead and brought a tear to my eye when they defeated our Detroit Lions to move to 3-2. I'm not even from there but can Detroit ever get a mother f-ing break? Not to digress from my AFC Report but I ask you this -Are we not Americans on this Lions dilemma? It's important for the well being of this country that the Detroit Lions start winning some football games. While I'm happy that Calvin Johnson's foot injury won't keep him out next week, I'm worried about Matthew and even more worried about Jim Schwartz and the team. I'll be having a conversation with William Clay Ford tomorrow and will report back. I'm sure you're as concerned as I am.

The Cleveland Browns actually won and went to 1-4 as they stumbloed to Buffalo a.k.a. Terrell Owens' Purgatory, and pulled out a victory in maybe one of the most boring, awful games in NFL history which ended up 6-3, like it was a Brewers game or something. With this game, Seriously cries yet again only this time for my beloved Ohio.

In the AFC South, Indianapolis did what great teams do in their casual dismantling of Tennessee to move to 5-0. This Colts team and the Giants are are only a game or so, and a few roster changes, away from approaching Cincinnati-level football.

In the AFC East, the Jets and That Mexican were dealt yet another tasty-for-us-Jet-haters defeat by the Miami Dolphins, a team that seems to have discovered it's pulse at 2-3 by playing good old sandlot football. Kudos to them for the week and perhaps this will provide a brief respite for my old prickly friend, William Parcells. It's just wonderful to see Mark Sanchez losing football games.

That confounding NFC West. After all the acclaim and hype, the San Francisco 49'ers hosted Atlanta and they proceeded to lay the biggest turd since Chris Penn ate oatmeal at Charlie's house.

San Francisco got beat something like 126-10. What ev's, `Niners, and way to go `Dre Bly, hot dogging it and getting the ball punched out of your stupid hands!!! Excuse Seriously's momentary outburst if you will. It's just that one of my good friends is a man named Barry Sanders who used to score touch downs and simply hand the ball to the refs. That's man-type shit where you don't do all that whoopin' and hollerin'. Where your actions speak loudest instead. But I'm not getting into that, not in the middle of my report. I owe you guys the news. Bottom line, up with Atlanta and back to the drawing board of respectability for Singletary's boys. Seattle has shown they can beat anybody when they have Matt Hasselbeck healthy. He looked brilliant sending them to a very-much-alive-in-the-division, 2-3 with a 41-0 pounding of a Jacksonville team that had won 2 straight.

The NFC Central had Minnesota staying 5-0 as they defeated that staggering war party known as the 0-5, St. Louis Rams. The Rams are so bad right now, them becoming the St. Louis Rush Limbaugh's would be an upgrade. Chicago is back from their bye at 3-1 and looks to continue their solid sans-Urlacher season with a tough test at 3-1 Atlanta. Look for the Bears to beat these tough, well-coached Falcons in a slight upset.

In the NFC South, New Orleans is undefeated at 4-0 and about to host the New York Giants in a true Clash of the Titans match up. Seriously won't be making a call on this game at this point because I haven't spoken to New Orleans coach Sean Payton yet. When I do, I'll let you know which way this game will go. That should come before the end of the week. Please bear with me. On big games like this, I need to talk to both coaches before I can make the call.

Good on Jake Delhomme for showing some of Tom Barkley's Guts with his fearless, possible season changing, first down scramble against the Washington Daniel Snyders who fell to a weak 2-3. Jake inspired his entire team, even Julius Peppers, and they went on and won their first game. The Carolina Panthers, even at 1-3, might not be dead yet.

The New York Giants are playing so good right now at 5-0, they make even David Carr look like he can play this game. The Giants blew ahead of the Oakland Abortions so quickly that they were able to rest Eli and bring in the failed refugee, Carr. Just like that, Carr becomes Slingin' Sammy Baugh, all of a sudden. Go figure. Hats off to the New York Giants.

Baseball Note:

They're very funny over at the L.A. Times, especially when they know they've gotten it wrong. They become very dignified and, frankly, that's why they've successfully remained in business for nearly a 100 years. It seems my boys and girls over there are trying to get back into my good graces with their headline in today's printed sports section. It read, "Freeway Seriously?" I ripped them a new one on Sunday, and again Monday morning, after they predicted that their very own Dodgers would get swept by the St. Blewy Cardinals. Had nearly their entire staff on a conference call. (Believe me, I always know when the department has their meetings.) It was both professional and ugly at the same and all they could do was nod. So this subliminal shout-out to Seriously in the form of the "Freeway Seriously?" headline is them saying - "we're a lot bigger than you but we also know that your opinion is what's up." Good job, L.A. Times. You screwed up your pick, I got it right and I appreciate your pointing it out. We can still do business. This is L.A. The town's big enough for the both of us.

Hoops:

Based on my visits to various pre season camps around the league, the Los Angeles Clippers are the finest team in the NBA and Blake Griffin is the finest player. This is all you need to know until the regular season starts. We'll be covering the season extensively, like we always do. You'll know exactly what you need to know.

On a personal note, I had planned on filing a report on Laker Hall-of-Famer, Lamar Odom's wedding to the beautiful virgin, Khloe Kardashian. But after talking with Lamar and his bride we agreed to keep the affair private. Just know that they're a madly in love couple, just getting their marriage-feet on the ground, Khloe is learning lines for a play at Lincoln Center in December and Lamar is fully focused on this upcoming Laker season. That wedding was a gas and a half, however, highlighted by an episode featuring Phil Jackson and a punch bowl. But no more, I promised Lamar. Some day, doggonnit, I'm going to have to tell that story.

Until next time, fly straight.

Seriously Chapter 49: We're All Set and Carson's Calmer

2009-10-12T20:14:00.000-07:00

Playoff baseball gives me a beautiful jolt every year because I always forget that there will be non-stop amazing moments in every game and impossible will simply be the norm. A set of routine miracles have allowed the Phillies to rightfully advance past the Rockies and on to play the Dodgers. Though the Dodgers look completely unbeatable right now, Seriously still holds that murderous Philadelphia will advance to the World Series. Those bastard Dodgers will win games, however, and if Philadelphia's left handed hitters can't solve that one-two, L.A. Southpaw El Kabong? We don't even want to think about that. And another thing. The Dodgers need to please stay out of Philadelphia's bullpen until the back end, if you don't mind. These two things are very important. While Seriously is never wrong about these predictions, he simply gets crazy when he's even minutely close to eating his words.

The Red Sox are vile and God has worked in a wonderful way in making sure they were eviscerated by those California Angels who move on and bring their own special brand of National League-style baseball to the finals of the junior circuit. So what if you never use the word "finals" when speaking of baseball?

Less vile but still odious and bloated are New York's Yankees who very much deserve to be defeated by Arte's Angels. How can you not root for a team lead by a guy named Erick Aybar? Who the hell is that guy? Yeah, exactly my point.

I don't even know what point I'm making specifically

So we're all set. Dodgers vs Phillies and Yankees vs Angels. It's going to be wonderful.

Thank you for the outpouring

Seriously's probably gotten over 300 hundred e-mails and faxes (who the hell faxes anymore?) congratulating me on the performance of the Cincinnati Bengals. All I can say is, Marvin and the guys deserve all the credit. All I said was that they were going to be hoisting the Lombardi trophy in early 2010. Yes it was a bold and audacious call but I'm not drawing up the X's and O's, picking up the blitzes and completing the impossible passes. Seriously's well aware that it's unfolding exactly as Seriously predicted but let's give credit where credit is do. It's those Cardiac Cats. They're the ones who are out there making NFL history.

There will be a full NFL round up and a Blake Griffin/Clippers Run For the Ring NBA Update tomorrow.

Stay tuned.

Seriously Chapter 48: As Mel Allen - "This Week in Los Angeles Baseball"

2009-10-11T16:18:00.001-07:00

Seriously knows every single person at the the Los Angeles Times sports department and

they should be using today's issue as toilet paper

what with them predicting that their own team would get get swept by the Cardinals. I know what it's like when you have a responsibility and have to make a call on a series, when it has to mean something. But memo to the mighty L.A.Times from someone who also has to make the calls. Professional competition aside - quit being so goddamn wrong. The boys downtown will be hearing from Seriously in the morning.

Believe me, I'll be on the blower

May the sweet lord Jesus please bless the California "Appropriately Named" Angels and carry them all the way to the World Series. We celebrate you for going deep-drill Jack Stryker on the vile and deserving Red Sox, you've shut the mouths of their bastard fans for yet another year. For that alone, we're grateful. Though I've only met Angels owner Arte Moreno one time very briefly, I feel like going Girl Text on the Angels owner. You know what Girl Text is, don't you? It's when you go xxoooo at the end of the message.

Thank you for kicking some Red Sox ass, Arte. I love you. xxxx000!

p.s. Dodger, holmes!

Seriously Chapter 47: I'm Usually Not One to Hang a Shingle

2009-10-02T14:56:00.000-07:00

When you run a news agency like Sports Seriously, you're not just managing stories, you're managing people's lives. This is why it seems like Seriously has more personal time, more Seriously time, these days even while being shorthanded here at the office - what with my always-risky, semi-annual staff purge last week. While I miss my guys Most of my reporters and out of town stringers are either drunks, drug addicts or both not having to deal with various employee peccadillo's has proven most liberating in terms of time management. It never ceases to amaze me how seamless this thing of ours can still run with no staff. Granted, it's riding on the back of the old horse that brung ya, but still. I'm getting all the stories and reporting all the news and I'm doing it with just myself and Harmless Keith, the guy who keeps my machines and computers running. And Harmless Keith doesn't even count in terms of the games and coverage! Consequently, while there's no people, there's a crackle of splendid desolation here at Sports Seriously, maybe we're all the better for it and let me tell you why. That's just bad writing right there

Time and timing has allowed me to go ahead and reopen my sport counseling business. For those of you new to Sports Seriously, (6780 fans and counting,) Seriously's other life or the "other thing I do" is I act a Sports Counselor to groups of fans and certain select individuals all around the United States. Practically speaking, people need a Sports Counselor when their teams are losing relentlessly and they find that the emotional toll is affecting their lives and their relationships. (Cubs fans, Bills fans, people from Ohio) People need a Sports Counselor when their teams have it all and they find themselves not being able to move on from such a glorious time in their lives. Or, as one of my East Coast clients put it, "that frickin' life crescendo when the Celtics finally did it. I wanted to live like forevah in that world. I wanted that shit like crack." As cliche as it sounds, I've literally had to tell people, "Put the foam finger away. They've swept up from the parade. Your children need you." I do this counseling over the phone or sometimes I'll fly to a location, particularly if I'm presented with a distraught group. (A group being more than ten people. Crystal Carlyle at Axis Management handles all my group bookings @ 310.298.4044.) I've talked more people than you can even imagine off of sports ledges and sports edges, almost as if I were a member of some sort of emotional Swat team. I had a Sacramento guy, a Kings fan, call me who was sitting in his car in his garage, holding a garden hose like it was a Mr. Microphone. Husker fans, Gopher freaks, Cleveland Cavaliers basket ball. People are hurting out there. Those on the West Coast have seen me do this locally with our own Dodger Tony, talking him off his apartment roof. Actually, he could use a call from me right now. He's probably sitting in his bath tub as we speak. No matter the sport, people really love their teams and they take it very, very seriously. Sometimes, believe it or not, people just want to talk. They just want to be heard. So that's what I do. I feel blessed that I have the time now where I can open my door to the public and not just deal with selected clients here and there. So as a Sports Counselor, Seriously is open for business in case something's on your mind. Maybe I can point you toward a brighter day.

But back to what we do best.

From the Diamond:

The teams wait sentry-like for these playoffs to begin. Yes, poorly worded and yes, Philadelphia is playing Colorado as we speak, but you know what the heck I'm talking about.

Philadelphia stands poised to dispatch the impressive Colorado Rockies who, like the Twins in the A.L., are the teamiest team in the N.L. Philly is just too powerful.

The other National League division series is 8 times more compelling at this point. You have the juggernauty St. Louis Cardinals taking on the tattered, mentally freakin' flipped out Los Angeles Dodgers, owners of the best record in the league for god knows what reason. Comparing rosters, the Cardinals should wipe arse but it's only a 5 game series and the Cardinals are known to sometimes have bonafide problems with lefties. Seriously assumes Randy Wolf will throw a good opening game and if Game 2 starter, Clayton Kershaw, somehow pitches like he did last week, this series might be a classic.

Though it slightly broke this reporter's heart to see Detroit's Tigers go down, the Minnesota Twins showed us all the greatness of playing baseball as a team in their stirring, 12 inning play-in victory on Tuesday. Besides their catcher Joe Mauer, they're probably the biggest bunch of f-ing nobodies to ever appear in the playoffs and maybe that's what this great game is all about. That is, unless you're playing the New York Yankees who will now slice the Twins into Thanksgiving beets as if they were forgotten slave extras from the set of "Spartacus." The Twins went 0-7 against the Yankees this year and it will be a mauling.

In the other American League division series, the California Angels are yet another anonymous team but this one is loaded with spectacular all-around-type players. Will it be enough to unseat the loaded load of bloated baseball royalty that is the Boston Red Sox? God, I hope so. Please, Angels, please. I beg you. Sorry, a responsible reporter should never have an emotional outburst like that in written-public.

From the Gridiron:

In the AFC West, The Denver Broncos continue to win at 4-0 and they need to stop it. I understand that Kyle Orton is a future hall-of-famer but the rest does not add up. Even though the Cowboys have been NFL frauds since Tony Romo became quarterback, they're a quality team within their wretched excess and Denver's win against them was a for-real victory. I hate when there's even a possibility that I might have to eat my words. The San Diego Chargers are an awful team waiting to happen that has been emotionally demoralized by the demise of their once great running back, Ledanian Tomlinson. They seem finished, even at a mere 2-2. Kansas City is headed for another toilet season and the Raiders are too pitiful for words.

The AFC North features a marquee match up this weekend as the mighty Baltimore Ravens, at 3-1, host the team that will be hoisting the Lombardi trophy this year, the Cincinnati Bengals who come in at 4-0. Seriously and staff (which is nobody at this point besides Harmless Keith who doesn't count) fear that Baltimore's punishing pass rush will likely reveal the youth and inexperience of the Cincinnati offensive line which still sits minus that complete and utter slob, first round abomination, Andre Smith. Baltimore, gulp, might take this, especially being so p-ed off after losing that tough game to the Patriots on a dropped pass. Pittsburgh's Steelers are probably the strongest 2-2 team in recent league history as they seem to have rediscovered their running game with Rashard Mendenhall. The Steelers, however, are like the Jets in that they should be destroyed as well. Cleveland, at 0-4, is just so very Cleveland right now. This hurts Seriously as it tarnishes the proud reputation of championship sports team play in the great state of Ohio.

In the AFC East, it was a thing of beauty seeing the New York Jets, 3-1, getting their rears handed to them by the all-world New Orleans Saints. Also a great delight was That Mexican finally playing like the rookie that he is. Interceptions, fumbles, stupid passes. That is how that rookie should play whenever that player hits that field. That is all there is to that. Their defense was still impressive, I must admit, which bodes well for the New York Idiots in the future. They held the Saints to 24 points which is like another team scoring 7. The New England Patriots are 3-1 and back firing on all cylinders after a fantastic, vintage-Patriot-like, 27-21 victory over the Ravens who looked virtually unbeatable going into the game. Damn Patriots. Unlike the Red Sox, this is a team you simply must admire. Miami and Buffalo, both 1-3, are teams only a mother could love.

The only team you need to know about in the AFC South is the Indianapolis Colts at 4-0. Payton Manning is Jesus.

The NFC West features this year's best story in the NFL with the San Francisco Mike Singletary's at 3-1 and they've just added WR Michael Crabtree. Yikees! Especially yikees if RB Son of Al Gore comes back healthy. Man do we love this Niner team over here at Sports Seriously. No real stars, the epitome of team football and defense, defense, defense. Arizona, after going to the Super Bowl last year, is a surprising disaster. Seattle and the powerful St. Louis Rams are dead in the water with 1 win between them.

Minnesota is a solid 4-0 with Brett Favre violating his old Packers like they were boy-whores from Thailand by throwing long, short, bombs, screens, underhanded...for god sakes, how many more ways can this man destroy other teams before we all accept that he's back to being old Brett and not New York Jet Brett. He makes everyone better though reigning NFL adonis, Adrian Peterson got held to 50-some yards on a million carries versus Green Bay and can now be officially be described as fumble-icious. Green Bay's Clay Matthews snatched that ball from his ass and returned it for a touchdown and no running back has more fumbles in the NFL since 2007. I'm not saying don't build a franchise around him, I'm just saying. Jared Allen is a monster anchor for Minnesota at defensive end and looks like the second coming of Howie Long. Chicago shook the blah label by burying their foot in the testicles of the Detroit Lions and going to 3-1. Hated seeing the Lions lose, denying them their rebirth, and am PRAYING Matthew Stafford's knee getting jacked will only have him out for a few weeks. Love that kid and know his family well. They're what you call good people.

In the NFC South, New Orleans, at 4-0 is a steamroller for you, baby. Just got off the phone with Coach Sean Payton and he couldn't believe they only dropped 24 on the Jets. The energy coming off that franchise is blinding, they're so talented. I used to think that that eff-ed up blotch on Drew Bree's face was a birth mark but it might just be a road map to the Super Bowl, instead. (Almost good writing there) The only thing keeping them from 5-0 is this weeks open date. Atlanta plays the most interesting game this week, I believe, against the upstart Niner's. The winner of that game will know for sure that they're for real. Carolina and Tampa Bay are turd teams right now. I look at Carolina as the bad team most likely to rebound but they simply must beat the terrible Redskins to be in any reasonable conversation.

The seemingly unbeatable 4-0 Giants had a surprisingly tough time with the abominable Chiefs and we've just found out that Eli Manning has plantar fasciitis and is day to day. While he's not Jesus like his brother, he's, at minimum, been an apostle (????) The Giants would crumble inward without Eli and if you know anything about plantar faciitis, it's only solved by extended rest and therapy. Though it's not playing big in the media (your present company excluded,) there is a dark cloud hanging over the New York Giant franchise. If Philadelphia can get McNabb back as expected, they'll be back in the saddle. Ribs are tricky, though, and word from the Philly locker room has him at only 70% right now. Donovan McNabb is one of the all-time tough guys, however, and if he can breathe, he will play. Look for the Eagles to soar again (cliche vomit.) Dallas and Washington, storied franchises that they are, need to go away.

That's the up-to-date on NFL football and yo, y'all,

Here Comes the NBA

Exhibition games start today and Seriously still has the Los Angeles Clippers winning this NBA title this season. We'll be keeping you very well posted on the Association. You're going to know everything and be able to tell everyone about it.

Stay tuned. And finally, I hate to get soft like this, maybe it's all this Jeffersonian thinking time I've been having these days, but Seriously loves you.

Seriously Chapter 46: "Requiem for a Heavyweight" and A Few Things

2009-09-28T22:31:00.001-07:00

When you're in the presence of greatness, you really should bow. But I was already laying on the floor of my screening room so I couldn't bow as I watched Rod Serling's heartbreaking, "Requiem for a Heavyweight," for the first time just today. Jaw on the ground. If Mickey Rooney isn't the greatest actor that ever lived then I don't know who is. And that was opposite Jackie Gleason and Anthony Quinn! The movie was killing me and I couldn't understand half the shit Anthony Quinn was saying. I got tired of being asked about that film and as a Rod Serling devotee, Seriously felt derelict that he'd never seen it so he had Maggio, the guy who runs my screening room, set it up for me. I cried and I never cry. The opening scene through the camera camera's p.o.v. starring a young Cassius Clay as the upstart fighter who dispatches Tony Quinn? Gleason and Rooney? Jack Dempsey at Jack Dempsey's when it really WAS Jack Dempsey's? Julie Harris and Willy Pep? I'd never seen this movie and I lecture at and participate in symposiums on sports films all over the country.

Imagine that. Imagine also that I know or knew every single one of these people in this film (except Dempsey.) Sadly, Seriously's only experience with Mickey Rooney was at Dan Tana's one night in 1994. I was having dinner with Tommy Lasorda and his wife, Jo, and Mickey was sitting off at a corner table by himself with a big belly, a stained tie and way too many jack and sodas. Though we have friends in common, I'd never met him and I must say that I walked away from our brief conversation thinking, "Hey, this guy will talk to absolutely anybody."

Is it my fault I know everyone in Quake Town?

My point in all this being, you should know and admire all the great sports-themed movies and report on your favorites in case even I haven't seen them. And I've seen them all.

One of the blessings of having no staff around, besides Harmless Keith, is that I can feature all these up-close-and-personal things, like Seriously talking about sports films. Hey, shoot me. I'm not trying to go all Ken Burns on you guys

I just like to go off the beaten path, yo.

But back to the business of information.

From the Diamond:

The Los Angeles Dodgers continue to stumble around while running away with the division at the same time. And as they're kicking ass, they've got tons of injuries, also. Go figure with this squad. It seems like Kemp, Ethier, Loney, Blake and Furcal are so damn good that nothing else matters. Seriously was sure the Dodgers would win the NL West and be dispatched early in the playoffs but now I must confess to pangs of doubt.

The Rockies seem like they're going to hold off the impressive Braves but Colorado has continued to lose it's luster. They don't seem like the divine steamrollers anymore.

Regarding the NL East, I just got off the phone with my old friend, Phillies manager, Charlie Manual. Sweet Country Charlie assured me that Brad Lidge will remain his closer in the post season despite his 11 blown saves and fans screaming for blood. Charlie said, "Baseball is exactly like war. Sometimes a commander has to make tough, unpopular decisions in the battlefield." Charlie says he's watched Brad and feels the vet will "lose the hiccups and rekindle that post-season fire of his." I asked what he'd do if Brad Lidge went out and blew the save in Game 1. Would he be the closer in Game 2? Charlie just smiled and wouldn't answer. Then he tried to jam some of that damn chew in my mouth. He's been trying to get me on that crap forever thinking I'm desperate to be one of the guys, but I'm not. I said to him, "That's disgusting, Charlie, I'm a journalist." And he said, "C'mon, Seriously, it's in it's own little pouch." I love Charlie Manuel, pockmarks and all, and I was lucky enough to have sex with his lovely daughter, Evie, a couple years back. I respect him as a baseball man and a person and I believe his Philadelphia Phillies are going to win the World Series.

The only issue in the junior circuit is the AL Central race between Detroit and Minnesota and tonight's bubble was totally burst as the Tigers and Twins were all set to play the opening game of their huge decide-it-all series but the rain done put the kibosh on that, y'all. How's that for a sentence? Detroit's up by 2 games with 5 or so left to play but Minnesota's won 8 out out their last 10 and is on Detroit like Charlie Sheen on a whore. This division is guaranteed to go down to the wire.

From the Gridiron

In the AFC West, Denver continues to evoke nausea at 3-0, somehow beating the mighty Oakland Raiders and their future Hall-of-Fame quarterback, Jamarcus Russell. San Diego is a limp-wristed 2-1 after their whatever victory over the I-Can't-Believe-We're-A-Bill-Parcells-Team-And-We-Suck Miami Dolphins.

The Baltimore Ravens continue to be the dominating force in the AFC North. Yes, the Cincinnati Bengals made history by beating the Steelers, and the Bengals WILL win the Super Bowl this season, but the Ravens are a big time load of a team with no discernible weaknesses at 3-0. Regarding the team in Northern Ohio: If I can borrow from "The Godfather," the Cleveland Browns are "an abortion, Michael! An abortion!!"

The odious New York Jets, led by That Mexican, moved to 3-0 in the AFC East with their victory over the hapless Tennessee Titans. It pains me how strong their defense is and how almost fun they are to root for. On a side note, That Mexican took a dangerous risk diving head-down into the end zone the way he did on that sneak this Sunday. Right into a bunch of 300 lb. bellies and tree trunks. I would hate to see That Mexican get injured. I want him to get a beat-down but not like that. I'm looking for interceptions and losses. Okay, maybe a cracked rib. And then I want to see the look on those saliva spewing Jet fans. There's something exquisitely beautiful about the Jets and Mets getting their ass kicked. Seriously isn't that way about the Yankees and Giants and I can't explain it. It simply feels right.

The Indianapolis Colts, at 3-0, continue to make mockery of the AFC South. They went against last year's Super Bowl team, Arizona, this week and made them look like they were playing flag football.

The 49'ers are still on top of the NFC West at 2-1 after their dramatic loss to Brett Favre and the Vikings. It was a God-Damn-That-Hall-of-Famer-type loss that can happen to any good team as long as Favre has a football in his hands. The only possible long term danger for the `Niners is if Frank Gore, Son of Al, has a serious injury to that ankle. This is a tight young team that has zero spare weapons on offense. If Son of Al can't play, they're in trouble.

The NFC Central has the Minnesota Vikings at 3-0 and Brett Favre wasn't just throwing dunkers and screens like they were accusing him of in previous games. He was throwing lasers all over the field including that last game winner with 2 seconds left. Combine that with All-World, Adrian Petersen, and that defense? I don't knooooooow! Green Bay and Chicago are still iffy, even at 2-1, with neither seeming particularly confident and both having lots of holes. Detroit was a stand-up-and-cheer inspiration in winning their first game, literally in flippin' years, and Seriously has nothing but love for the Lions and the entire city of Detroit, Michigan. I loves me an underdog and all of you can kiss my narrow, white ass.

The NFC South's New Orleans Saints continue to Brees at 3-0 but Atlanta, at 2-1, has the look of a team that could contend if they can solve their problems on defense. Don't count the Falcons out in that division. Matt Ryan to Tony Gonzalez is almost unstoppable.

The N.Y. Giants are playing great football, though they bend too much on defense, and sit on top the NFC East at their own version of 3-0. They seem like a team that will creak and sway but still end up putting a foot in your rear. Philadelphia is a weak 2 -1 and will be in trouble if McNabb doesn't get back soon. His back up, Kevin Kolb, has thrown for a lot of yards but looks like an unravel waiting to happen and HIS back up, Michael Vick, is a guy who can run real fast, not a professional quarterback.

And finally, let me just get this off my chest. Seriously cannot stand the Dallas Cowboys. They're an unattractive, bloated mess and are the National Football League's monument to wretched excess. When Al Queda said they wanted to blow us up, it was because of the Dallas Cowboys, their stadium and those of their ilk. The awful Facebook poll that's in the news shouldn't be - should our president be killed? It ought to be - should Jerry Jones be killed? I know that's extreme and I hope it don't get me FBI Red Flagged but that's how this reporter feels and that's how he'll report it.

Cincinnati and Seattle are still on track to meet in the Super Bowl with Marvin Lewis and the Bengals hoisting the Lombardi in early 2010.

Stay tuned.

Seriously Chapter 45: Change of Services & Gratitude

2009-09-22T16:12:00.000-07:00

In case you haven't noticed since the last time we met here, there's been a change of services at the Sports Seriously franchise as it relates to correspondents and the reports that they file in that there won't be any in the foreseeable future. SCHNEIKEE!!!

Now please, dear reader/fan, please don't be shocked and take this to mean that the sports stories you need to know about will go unreported. Seriously and the agency would never in a million years violate the oath we swore to you, those of you who have blessed us with the solemn responsibility of being your sports information source of record. You will get your stories and sounds and interviews from the trenches, they'll just be coming directly from me for a while a.k.a. I'm just letting you know how we do things around here. (Yes, I never really could write a proper sentence.) I've "culled the herd" as I am want to do (those who know this site) and I am gumshoeing it big time as of right now. YOU ARE BOSS CRAZE BALL!

You'll be getting the stories directly from me, the big cheese, the man who made the plan, the King of the Whole Damn Thing. I have to do this every once in a while in order to keep the product/process fresh and real, so I can stay in touch with that which brung me to where I am today. Y'all feel me? This necessary evil and it's accomplice, the hallways of this building literally ringing with the sad echo of imposed emptiness (???) does not come without cost. Yes, I'm paying the entire staff while they're laid off, GENEROSITY, they're free to take other assignments, and yes they'll be asked to return. But these guys and gals always take this personally, nonetheless, and that reality hurts me a lot. I love my reporters and stringers. LIP QUIVERING. I love these guys and gals a great deal. And, lord knows, I need them. I depend on them to get me into every imaginable nook and cranny of the sporting world from the locker room to the executive suite, right on down to every single major professional athlete's complete and total private, personal head space. Yeah, Sports Seriously really is like that. THE PLACE TO BE, AS IN - SPORTS REPORTING NIRVANA. And they do it with a relentless professionalism that moves me to speak of, write of or even gesture regarding. And I frequently do speak in public. I know most of you are familiar with the culling of the herd but for those of you who aren't, here's the deal: I laid off my entire staff except for Harmless Keith who keeps my computers and machines humming and I'm gumshoeing the whole goddamn thing. This is not the boss hitting the assembly line for a few hours, this is serious mother f-ing business. I'm covering this crazy sports game on my own using all the power, wisdom and resources that god has seen fit to give me. This thing, this thing of ours called Sports Seriously (6,210 people strong as of today,) is beyond just me, us and we. IT'S EVERYTHING.

From Where I'm At

The Diamond:

The Angels are cruising in the AL West like the anonymous little punishing bitches that they are. Texas, after showing great pitching and a powerful line up, has seen both fade. Jeff Hamilton for Edinson Volquez is looking like a wash, even with Volquez's blown out arm. Yikes.

Detroit leads the Minnesota Twins by 2 1/2 games in the AL Central, both teams playing for the right to completely get their asses kicked in the playoffs.

The New York Yankees continue to anally violated entire American League and possibly the world. The Red Sox and their arrogant fans have no interest in winning this AL East division. They smugly see themselves as the Not-So-Wild Card, beating the Yankees and getting to the Series. Seriously is a National League Guy (with all staffers screened to assure the same - one of the few rules here - we love homosexuals and others.) As a National League Guy, Seriously is without a dog in this American League hunt. Seriously and staff are unanimous, however, in their desire to see the Boston Red Sox completely obliterated.

The bumbling, stumbling, depressed squad known as the Los Angeles Dodgers are not only winning again (7 out of the last 10,) but they're starting to run away with the division. Hut ever! While the Rockies have lost their mystical quality, they seem more than enough to hold off the disappointing Giants who back up their great pitching with whiffle bats. Rockies to the Wild Card though I hate seeing Timmy getting hammered. Damn NL West!

St. Louis in the NL Central is a less devastating, more nuts-and-bolts version of the Yankees. Scary championship potential.

In the NL East, Philadelphia is scheduled to lose to St. Louis. But we say, in this case, until you beat the champs they have to be the choice. Philadelphia was the best team Seriously and the staff had seen all year BEFORE they got Cliff Lee and Pedro Martinez. The Philadelphia Phillies will not only go to the World Series but they will win the championship.

The Gridiron:

In the AFC North, the Baltimore Ravens have come out 2-0 and championship-like with a diversified, score-at-will offense complimenting a still-monumental, shut-down hammer defense. If I put any more dashes between words, I deserve to die. Cleveland, 0-2, is a sad team team that is lost and Pittsburgh, 1-1, deserves much worse than losing Troy Polamalu. They deserve to have very bad, nasty things happen to them whereupon the least of their worries is losing tons of football games. I want them dead. DEAD!!!

In the AFC South, the Indianapolis Colts, 2-0, look like the N.Y. Giants of the AFC right now. Houston, at a weak 1-1, doesn't look as good as advertised, even with the monster, Andre Johnson at receiver. Jacksonville, 0-2, looks like they have nothing and the Tennessee Titans, 0-2, seem completely shocked at how bad they are.

Seriously and the Staff are committed against the 2-0, New York Jets as well as their fans. It's with great reluctance that we point out and acknowledge their surprisingly nasty defense and the solid play of their quarterback, That Mexican. See how the New York Jets can bring out the worst in anyone? New England, 1-1, still lives in the AFC East but only by the sheer will of their quarterback, Tom Brady. Buffalo and Miami are playing just poorly enough to lose somewhat badly.

In the AFC West, the Denver Broncos sit as one of the weakest 2 - 0 football teams in the history of the sport. This despite being led by that great leader of men, Kyle Orton. The entire rest of the division, K.C., Oakland and San Diego are disasters of epic proportions with the exception of Raiders' future Hall-of-Famer, Jamarcus Russell, who continues to batter nearly all of Oakland's team passing records in only his second season at quarterback.

NFC West's San Francisco, at 2-0, is THE surprise team in football, winning both games not in spectacular form (Al Gore's son, Frank, aside) but in workman-like form, like a team accustomed to winning. Good for Mike Singletary who seems to have turned the franchise around in a very small amount of time. Last year's Bowl runner-up, Arizona, evened themselves at 1-1 after looking like a bad version of the Atlanta Falcons in their first game. St. Louis is the greatest 0-2 team in history and is still a strong pick to win this division and be an absurdly dark horse choice as a Super Bowl possibility.

In the NFC North, Minnesota looks invincible until Brett Favre gets hurt or starts throwing interceptions. The rest of the teams, Chicago, Green Bay and the Lions have this division looking not like black and blue but like green and hue-ish. Think on it.

In the NFC South, the Saints looks like a much better 2-0 team than Atlanta who has a suspect defense. New Orleans' Drew Brees is playing like Yelberton Abraham Tittle. There's also Carolina and Tampa Bay but they're just awful right now. Look for Carolina to right the ship, however.

The 2-0, New York Giants, look so damn good right now, they make the rest of the division, very good teams except Washington, look like total scrubs.

Ultimately, the Cincinnati Bengals and Seattle Seahawks still appear to be the overwhelming choice to meet in the Super Bowl with the Bengals as a sure pick to be hoisting the Lombardi in early 2010.

Until Next Time

Stay tuned. This site, while still providing top notch news and commentary, is going to be a bit more wild, a bit more shot from the hip and hopefully from the heart. I think you'll enjoy the change of pace and God bless you all for coming along for the ride.

Seriously Chapter 44: The N.L. West is Frisky

2009-09-18T21:06:00.000-07:00

Hate to blow smoke up the West Coast's rear, but isn't this National League West the most exciting division in baseball at this point? These Dodgers, Giants and Rockies just stomping all over each other? The Giants have built their foundation (un-Giant-like) on pitching and now have the nerve to be hitting the ball, the Dodgers are playing like the Dodgers of June and the Rockies look like they could reel off six straight at any time. Dodger Tony, doing his usual lurking around every crevice of the organization, has gotten word from Joe Torre himself that the Dodgers see themselves getting to the World Series with not much problem, Joe specifically pointing out, "...nobody's had more pressure-cooker games than us. This regular season has made even our youngest guys, grizzled veterans." That's pretty big talk when the Dodgers have looked so crappy, so often these last two months. But how can you argue with Bigelow Joe? Full disclosure if you're not in the know: Seriously has known Joe Torre for 26 years and absolutely anybody who does know him knows he drinks Bigelow Decaffeinated Green Tea like you and I breathe air. Between the consumption of tea and his old-man prostate, I'd say Joe goes to the john every six minutes if you happen to be sitting in his office at the stadium. But anyway, Bigelow Joe makes the call that the Los Angeles Dodgers will play for it all. Seriously and the staff have the Dodgers getting dispatched by whoever they play in the first round but that's something I'll have to say to Joe in person.

Let's Just Punk Another Brother

Dateline Cleveland 9/17/09: Cavaliers forward, Delonte West, was escorted into the white racist power structure (aka our judicial system) when he was pulled over Thursday night and arrested for speeding (allegedly) on his motorcycle. Not having a trunk at his disposal (duh, he's on a motorcycle) Delonte had no available storage which is why he, logically, had to carry both of his hand guns on his person. Nor was their room for his Remington 870 shotgun which he, respectfully, had hidden in a guitar case and slung across his back (so as not to alarm people, yo.) For love of god and all that is good, can we please leave these professional athletes alone? Let these young men be. I've said it before and I'll say it again. I speak for myself and the entire Sports Seriously staff when I say I despise racism in any form.

Seriously Chapter 43: Dodgers, Seahawks and Bengals T.C.O.B.

2009-09-16T16:03:00.000-07:00

From the Diamond

The Dodgers have re-discovered their April to July mo-jo even though they're still falling apart and players are having lousy years. That quality can be hard to beat if it continues into the post season. The Dodgers defy reality, it seems. Seriously and the entire staff keep waiting for the Dodgers to take a total dump but it hasn't happened.

From the Gridiron

NFL Week 1 proceeded exactly as Seriously and Staff had forecast with both Super Bowl 2010-predicted teams, Seattle and Cincinnati, pulling off impressive victories. Seattle's Matt Hasselbeck looked fantastic in his return, going 25 of 36 for 279 yds. and 3 touchdowns in a 28 to 0 victory against a gritty, spunky, nasty-hitting, never-say-die team called the St. Louis Rams. You know, sometimes when you're picking teams and people are waiting to hear what you have to say (with people's jobs literally being on the line) you don't get to vet all your choices, even in your own brain. I know that's deep but I know you know what I'm talking about. What Seriously is trying to say is that St. Louis Rams are the Super Bowl team that he wishes he could have chosen. They are a fantastic squad of football players. As are the Cincinnati Bengals, who ultimately disappointed no one in their 7 to 6 slugfest victory over the powerful Denver Broncos led by future Hall of Famer, Kyle Orton. This game was highlighted by Carson Palmer's 76-yard, game ending drive/masterpiece, culminating with a dramatic 1 yd Cedric Bensen bull rush into the end zone as time ran out. Week 1 of the NFL. What a week it was.

Seriously Chapter 42: Shawn Merriman is a Man of Faith

2009-09-08T18:22:00.000-07:00

Seriously just got off the phone with San Diego Chargers lineman, Shawn Merriman, and he's informed me that he did not choke bi-sexual reality t.v. host, Tila Tequila, "in any way" when she was trying to leave his Poway home early Sunday morning (though he did assure me she was "popping some major shit.") He denied the charges with a vehemence that left him in tears. Believe me, I've heard Shawn cry before but never like that. The Sports Seriously franchise has had a relationship with Shawn Merriman since his rookie year in 2005 and I've personally spent time with him all three years he's been in Honolulu for the Pro Bowl. I remember being one of the first members of the media to tell him to get a mohawk, Shawn was so shy back then. We knew he was a big hitter on the field, he just needed a little psychological something to put his game over the top. Know this about Shawn - he's not only a friendly man but he's a godly man. And he reiterated to me MORE THAN ONCE that he has absolutely nothing against little Vietnamese people. This latest off-field saga has turned his life upside down much, much much more than any of his other off-field sagas, and he'd love to "roll public wit it" but his lawyers have dropped a major info clamp on everything and everybody. While I won't sit here and revisit the countless examples of the grotesque media/judicial bias visited on professional athletes on a yearly basis (a crucified Michael Vick who's just trying to make a living "fo his kiz" as he's told me over and over, the beheading of Dante Stallworth who ran someone over with his car in a TOTAL ACCIDENT) let's just say that this is a classic case of a hysterical female and a messed up judicial system that always seems determined to want to throw in a twinge of "let's get darkie." Wait until this farce comes to trial, you'll see what I'm saying. Bias against professional athletes who just want to let off a little steam after leaving their heart, blood and soul on the field isn't just wrong, it's un-American.

Seriously Chapter 41: Wade Leblanc is Cy Young

2009-09-05T11:54:00.000-07:00

In previous years, Sports Seriously correspondent, Dodger Tony, would be on a window ledge and about to jump if his Dodgers had gotten shut down like they did last night by Wade Leblanc of the Padres (he the owner of an 0-2 record and 16.30 era at Dodger Stadium.) In years gone by, Dodger Tony would have been crouched in his shower about now, knees to his chest and holding a small knife. But I was thoroughly encouraged by my conversation with him last night from the Ravine. In fact, I took his report on the game myself. (Yeah, the owner rolls up he sleeves around here. Good god, are you kidding me?) While he was on several meds, he also was surprisingly philosophical about the potential demise of his beloved, front-running Azul. We don't fly the Dodger colors at Sports Seriously, nor do we support the Dodger brand here. The Dodgers falling on their face so epically would have no more effect on this agency than would a Vermont snowflake in the winter, just to let know how bad blog writing can be. What we are not, also (huh?) we are not immune to the human sports suffering than one can endure in following the various games. In that respect we feel for Dodger Tony. He is a man kept awake by the sound of footsteps in the night.

Bengals on Track

The Cincinnati Bengals will defeat the Seattle Seahawks in the Super Bowl of 2010. The journey begins next Sunday against a white-hot Denver Bronco team lead by Hall of Fame lock, Kyle Orton.

One of the Greats

I just got off the phone with my old friend, Ernie Harwell, and he tells me he has inoperable bone cancer. God bless Ernie Harwell for the rest of his days and beyond. A hall-of-fame broadcaster and hall-of-fame individual. I love Ernie and his family and I'll use Ernie's kicking the bucket as training for the day when Vin Scully has to go. Bless you, Ernie, as you take your next journey.

Seriously Chapter 40: Ben Roethlisberger is The Terminator

2009-09-01T19:21:00.000-07:00

From the Michael Vick League

With his return to practice five days after his ankle was hanging off the bone, Ben Roethlisberger has shown he must die - somehow. Ben Roethlisberger must die.

The Cincinnati Bengals, like the Los Angeles Clippers, are considered a jewel franchise along the lines of the New England Patriots and baseball's New York Yankees. Their overweight, first-round draft pick breaking his foot two days after signing a 42 million dollar contract will only springboard the Bengals to yet another Super Bowl title.

Aaron Rodgers is Jesus

This man is the finest quarterback in the game.

Kyle Orton Has Grounds for a Law Suit

Denver fans already want to run Kyle Orton out of town. After everything he accomplished in Chicago? Denver Bronco fans wouldn't know a great quarterback if it slapped them in the face.

Seriously Chapter 39: Cry No Tears For the Sox

2009-08-23T21:00:00.000-07:00

The first and prime commitment Sports Seriously has is to give you the news as it is, straight and without slant or bias. That being said, we don't fly the Red Sox colors or support the Red Sox brand here at the Sports Seriously franchise. (Truth be told, you can't even work at this agency unless you're a verified National League person.) The complete unraveling of the Red Sox comes without sympathy of any kind, not even from my Beantown correspondent, Cliff Livingston. (He wonders if he even likes Youkilis anymore.) "Arrogant Boston Red Sox fans have two championship trophies they can sit around and polish," Clifford said to me. And I said, "that's well put, especially coming from you." Rest in peace, and yet at the same time sayonara, Boston Red Sox of 2009.

Seriously Chapter 38: N - F - Hell Yeah

2009-08-17T21:50:00.000-07:00

Sometimes you just need to be funny and original from the get-go. Take me to the frozen tundra, mommy.

It's Michael Vick's League Now

Memo to Information Gatherers:

Seriously and the entire Sports Seriously staff are locked and loaded with correspondents in place for the upcoming NFL football season. One of my veteran stringers, Doug Davidson, he's on golf right now and he wants to drop Y.E. Yang like a cold potato while the kim chi lover is still holding the PGA trophy up in the air, he wants to cover his Buffalo Bills so bad. With the return of the great Michael Vick, the emergence of Jamarcus Russell and a healthy Mark Bulger, if you're not breathing NFL fire, y'all, then you're not breathing. The mail up in here on the NFL is staggering and the entire office is buzzing. Of course, we have the Bengals coming out of the AFC, Seattle in the NFC with the Cincinnati Bengals hoisting the Lombardi in January of 2010. It's only 3 weeks into training camp and everyone at this agency is already exuding the element of - My God, bring it on.

Dodgers Hearing Footsteps?

I think not though 4 1/2 games at this point in the season is unexpected what with that punishing line-up.

It Makes Life Worth Living When Baseball Becomes Whiffle Ball

The sight of a new knuckleballer coming into the majors and playing dipsy-doodle makes me want to go Toni Braxton. I simply want to "...breathe again, breathe again..." We don't fly the Dodger colors or support the Dodger brand here at the Franchise but the outing by young Dodgers' knuckler, Charlie Haeger, was more important to this author than paying attention to Darfur or getting a public option.

Another note on the 91st PGA Championship

Tiger Woods is part Asian, give me a break.

Seriously Chapter 37: Good for Kurt Rambis & Good For The Game

2009-08-09T11:27:00.000-07:00

Seriously just got off the phone with former Laker great, Kurt Rambis, who just signed on to take over for Kevin McHale as head coach of the Minnesota Timberwolves. I've known Kurt for over 20 years and you will not find a more humble, hard working man in the game of basketball. Thrilled that he's getting his dream shot, Kurt is also excited at the thought that he might be able to turn the Minnesota Timberwolves around and thereby step on the throat of his old nemesis, the knock-kneed box of elbows that is the bastard, McHale. May he go away and forever give clinics at St. Mary's.
Talking with Kurt, as unpretentious as the day is long, brought back some fine Laker memories of old. Championship memories of Magic and Showtime. The games court side, halftime inside the Forum Club where if you're in, you're in and Dr. Buss's office where there was always some kind of major bull session. We laughed about how the fans in the parking lot used to swarm off the other Lakers and onto him and how we used to make fun of the way he dressed. (Kurt always had the lousiest wardrobe back then) He particularly laughed recalling the memory of Laker fans, men and women, coming up to him wearing Rambis glasses and wanting to have serious conversations. The Minnesota Timberwolves will not only be getting an experienced tactician (let's not forget his solid winning record as Lakers' interim coach) but he'll also be doing in Minnesota what we in the sports business call "rolling in with some hard jewelry." Kudos to Kurt. He's one of the more goofy living legends in the history of Quake Town but he's a living legend nonetheless.

Seriously Chapter 36: After the Love Has Gone

2009-08-07T15:41:00.000-07:00

Quicky Runs

- The Dodgers keep figuring out impossible ways to win games and it's about time for Manny to come out of his slump. Look for them to stretch it out. Jason Schmidt continues to inspire confidence in the starting rotation going down the stretch as the team's solid number 11 guy.

- The Giants will have their hands full this weekend as they host white-hot Cincinnati Reds who won a game this week, we heard it was Wednesday. Candlestick will be rocking with swirling gusts of wind and hot dog wrappers everywhere.

- The Angels, MLB's most anonymous great baseball team, have commenced with their annual pummeling of everyone in the regular season. Staying put at the non-waiver deadline has only made them stronger.

- Jason Giambi getting waived by the A's today brings an end to the career of one of the great guy-who-looks-like-he-farts-when-he-swings players. Seriously knows Jason quite well (he still can't believe Jeter made that play) and everyone at Sports seriously wishes him only the best in the future.

- Kudos go out to Dodger Stadium employee, William Gomez, who was guarding the Dodgers' locker room last night, post-game. He kept Milwaukee's 40O-pound slob, Prince Fielder, from bursting in and falling on top of Dodgers' reliever, Guillermo Mota. Mota had beaned the squatty brown hog earlier in the game.

- The Orlando Magic's Rashard Lewis tested positive for an elevated testosterone level and has been suspended by the NBA for 10 games beginning next season. He apologized to reporters and fans for taking an over-the-counter supplement without knowledge of the ingredients. I find it entirely understandable when athlete's make this claim of not knowing. Why would an athlete monitor what he puts in his body? Not to toot my own career but back in my gaming days (baseball, football, hockey) I would often accidentally take steroids.

- That they re-signed future hall-of-famer, Lamar Odom, guarantees that the Los Angeles Lakers will win four more world championships in a row.

- NFL training camps are open and it looks like it's going to be a dynamic, hard fought upcoming season. Sports Seriously sees the Cincinnati Bengals coming out of the AFC and defeating the NFC's Seattle Seahawks in the Super Bowl with Quarterback Jamarcus Russell of the Oakland Raiders as the league's MVP. Stay tuned, Sports Seriously will be providing expert coverage on the league from top to bottom throughout the entire season.

Seriously Chapter 35: Another Baseball Ball Burner

2009-07-31T18:09:00.000-07:00

Sorry, we had to recover from Tom Watson

With the trading deadline past, my guy at the L.A. Times is trying to say to me just now, "Ooh, the Dodgers roll the dice!" But I'm telling him that with the best record in baseball, they are the most likely candidate to stay most put. It's not a disaster that they didn't get Halladay, that would be akin to reacting too hard to their recent stumbles. Anybody checked out Manny Ramirez's stats recently? Sherrill is a great pick up for them. We hate saying that here given the fact we don't fly the Dodger brand at Sports Seriously. But at the same time, we do report the news. Fans saying a David Weathers-type would be good for the Dodgers actually got someone even better than my beloved old work horse. I'm not trying to talk Dodger Tony off a ledge, I'm just reporting the story the way I see it. We look forward to your thoughts.

I apologize to those of you who have e-mailed and even faxed (who the heck faxes anymore?) There will be lots of Clipper stuff coming up. Stay tuned.

Seriously Chapter 34: Pray For Tommy Watson

2009-07-17T21:43:00.000-07:00

Seriously attends most major golf tournaments in person, while in addition, Sports Seriously dispatch correspondents. Sadly, Quake Town scheduling commitments have prevented him from attending this year's British Open at beautiful but nasty Turnberry, Ayrshire, a course that has swallowed this here golfer whole on more than one occasion. The last time I played there, in 2007, by the time I finished I was hitting four irons off the tee, my feet were soaked and I wondered why the hell I hadn't brought my roller bag? It warms the cuckolds of this old duffer's heart that one of the great gentleman of golf, Tom Watson, is leading this year's tournament going into tomorrow's third round and everyone here at the Franchise is all a-titter. Tom Watson winning the British Open would turn this country upside down and alter the way we live as Americans. I'm not saying that just because I know Tom, I'm saying it because it's true. Cross your fingers and let's make some history this weekend.

Seriously Chapter 33: The Dodgers' Path to the Brass Ring

2009-07-13T11:33:00.000-07:00

That subject along with trades, deadlines and Manny are to be discussed at

The Dodger Baseball Meet Up Group, a must event for any Dodger fan living in Southern California. The group meets Saturday, August 8th, 1:00pm at Griffith Parks's Trails Cafe, 2333 Fern Dale Drive, LA, CA 90068. Parking is plentiful but reservations are suggested as the room only seats 45. Please confirm with Adele at 323.496.4494. Going on it's 12th year and hosted once again by Dodger Tony, this is a great chance to sit with a committed group of serious Dodger people in a highly organized yet funny, free-wheeling forum. Great food, great conversation and you never know who will pop in from the front office or the field. They've had everyone from Tommy Lasorda to Tommy Hawkins to Tommy John. So go on out, have a great time AND get your two cents in. These Dodgers look like they're going all the way!

Seriously Chapter 32: Dante Stallworth Has a Case

2009-07-10T18:44:00.000-07:00

Cleveland Browns receiver Dante Stallworth was just released from Ohio's Gilbert Knight Corrections Facility after serving a medieval-level sentence of 24 days for being drunk and high, running over a woman in his Bentley and killing her. At the trial, Dante made it clear on the witness stand that "she just ran out into the street." Dante Stallworth happens to be a professional athlete. The stress from having to perform at such a high professional level will have a brother needing to down a few cocktails and blow a little weed, if only to let off steam and keep his sanity. Things happen. He did not mean to kill her. That's why call them accidents. 24 days in jail simply outrageous and yet another example of a judicial system trying to make an example out of a public figure. If you or I were to get drunk and kill somebody with our car, I doubt we'd spend more than a week in jail. I believe the judge was jealous of Dante with a twinge of "let me show darkie." I pray for Dante and hope that as soon as he gets his feet back on the ground, he'll consider filing a civil rights lawsuit because that's not justice. How can he ever get that 24-day chunk of his life back?

Seriously Chapter 31: Buttoning Up My Friend Michael Jackson

2009-07-09T20:36:00.000-07:00

Seriously is a sports guy but has received countless e-mails asking for comments on the Michael Jackson Memorial Service which he attended Tuesday as a guest of the Jackson family. I've known Katherine, Joe and the family for going on two decades and, sadly, I've never seen them so united as one. It took several minutes for all of us to file in and then a few minutes more to bring in Michael. After my dear friend Smokey Robinson opened with reading the D. Ross and Mandela messages, there was a 30 minute pause which was more us sitting with Michael for one last time versus the networks having lost their audio feed. From there, the celebration proceeded without a glitch. We stood, we clapped, we laughed, we cried and we said our amens. And even though we've watched Michael's moves for decades, seeing them in such sublime montage and hearing all the music once more only reminded us of the man's phenomenal artistry and how great this loss has been. I won't single out the performers, most of them are friends, but it was truly wonderful to bump into my old friend, Stevie Wonder, who was somehow in the brightest of spirits before the ceremony and yet so vintage Stevie in his sweetly somber musical homage. I can't go much further than that, it really was too personal to relate. Let me just say that I cried.

Seriously Chapter 30: The Fightin's Is Frightenin'

2009-07-08T18:29:00.000-07:00

Seriously and Sports Seriously have concluded today that the Philadelphia Phillies are the best team in the National League this year. Yes, this would be our official call. Seriously and the entire staff have been under pressure to release the call before the All-Star break even though, per tradition, we don't usually release until the second week of August. It's not just the ceaseless hectoring of Dodger Tony that brought this decision but with the quietly staggering economy there is a general sense of uneasiness in the air. (Even Seriously's stocks have said, "Throw me a sack of rocks." I've lost more money in the last two weeks than Farmer John has lost dogs. And yeah, I don't mind writing things that aren't quite funny.) In this difficult climate people who are faced with such incredible uncertainty in their everyday lives should at least feel that their baseball thoughts are of strong rudder (as those of us who skipper boats might say.)
Philadelphia's .531 winning percentage pales in comparison to the Dodgers' incessant, non-stop, maddening ability to win constantly and continuously but the Phillies, with their punishing offense, are destined to pick up another starting pitcher and the karma gods will likely kick in in L.A. They have the best defense in baseball, a great veteran bullpen and haven't had Raul Ibanez for who knows how long though he'll be back in time to start for the National League in the All-Star game. There's also the little matter of being defending World Series Champions. We see the Dodgers cruising to the best record in the National League and then having an interesting time against a wild-card Giants team featuring a one-two punch of Lincecum-Cain (with Sadowski a third?) Hmm.
Truth be told, we value your opinions more than our own and look forward to your thoughts.

Seriously Chapter 29: What More Can Juan Do?

2009-07-02T11:24:00.000-07:00

The appalling Dodgers roll out Manny Ramirez tomorrow, further desecrating the game of baseball and sending their finest and most deserving player to the bench.

Yes, the above headline and attending animosity stems from Sports Seriously's fundamental dislike of the Dodger brand, that goes without saying. That the Dodgers are the best team in baseball and yet worthy of scorn, of course! But I'm mainly speaking here today from the perspective of - What is professional? How, as a news agency owner, can I behave at all times as a professional? And beyond that, is it fair to expect the same from other organizations that I choose to do business with?

From The Dodgers - See Ya!!

Seriously just had a very difficult conversation with an old friend having just gotten off the phone with Dodger's Vice-President, Kim Ng, whom I've known since she was 22 years-old handling out hot towels at Benihana's on La Cienega. Kim informed me with a straight face and no apology that Seriously, the Sports Seriously staff and all of our correspondents have been banned from Dodger Stadium and the premises. Not because of anything we've done but because of what we said or should I say, asked. Our people have spent the last 49 days crawling all over the organization, asking every Dodger official from Frank McCourt to Nancy B. Heffley, a question which we simply can't get an answer for - What is this organization's message to kids/people regarding those who cheat the game?

While I do use the Clippers as my gold standard, I have always held the Dodgers and their staff in extremely high regard. This agency will continue, as always, to get the story/stories out, EVEN THE DODGER STORY, but pardon us if we admit to a sad moment.

Opinions welcome. Without you, we're nothing.

Seriously Chapter 28: He's Back!

2009-06-29T18:31:00.000-07:00

That's what the Sports Seriously staff said this morning as Seriously strolled into the Franchise's sparkling new Los Angeles headquarters. This was not a Gordon Gekko/Alec Baldwin moment, I made a Christmas morning fool of myself as I took a quick tour around. Though Seriously was involved in every decision from concept through actualization, the goal coming into the facility today was - "Hey, this is new and exciting for me, too." The smiles were undeniable and everyone seems happy with their highly-wired, brand-spanking-new work spaces. To our credit, beyond the initial - Can you believe this's? - it was business as usual. We're better, stronger and fully geared up to for what's ahead in sports even as we all struggle to recover from the devastating loss of Michael Jackson on Thursday.

Many Thanks to Dodger Tony

Dodger Tony came in and knocked it out of the park in my absence with his post of last week. I'm ever grateful.

I'm Sure Tony is At Home, White-Knuckling

Clutching his hoo-hoo pillow, what with the white-hot Rockies surging to 7 games behind in the West going into tonight's RIDICULOUSLY INTERESTING series at the Ravine. While the Dodgers have lost 4 of 5 (looking mortal for the moment) they're still a home juggernaut. If the Rockies can somehow do the impossible and take the series then the division race starts anew and we keep Tony away from power tools.

My Soccer Guy is Crying

Sports Seriously Soccer correspondent, Demitri Mantalos, knew that USA couldn't beat Brazil in the Finals of the Confederations Cup, even after they had defeated Spain in the semi's, but was willing to pray for the impossible due to his enduring hope for futbol in this country. Alas, after they bolted to a shocking 2-0 lead, the U.S. went into their prevent defense which, as they say, prevented them from winning. Demetri said, "Eh, we'll get `em next century."

Don't Leave
There will be an exciting announcement regarding a certain well-known correspondent in an upcoming post so stay tuned.

We're back, damnit. We're back.

Jamie's Gone Fishin, or something like that.

2009-06-20T15:11:00.000-07:00

Hello Sports Seriously fans. Dodger Tony here filling in for the nascent Jamie Bozian, who is on assignment this week. He should be back quite soon though, as soon as he gets his act together in his swell new pad replete with cat slides and weird stuff like that.

In any event, after the horrifying Dodger loss to the Angels last night in Anaheim, I disgustedly posted this rant on DodgerThoughts.com, much to the chagrin of other commenters (please don't squeeze the chagrin).

Somehow, someway, the Angels have the Dodger's number. Scoscia has Torre's number. The two organizations, while moving closer and closer to parity, are still imbalanced as far as mano a mano is concerned.

I do believe the Angels are a more professional organization with a more professional approach to the game. The Dodgers are showing marked improvement in this, I think we can safely call it, rivalry. But is it really a rivalry. The numbers indicate not at all. A rivalry consists of competitive balance, which does not exist between the two LA's. The Dodgers have had recent success against the Angels, but watching them, one still gets the feeling that, all things being equal, this should continue for a sometime to come, even with Ramirez.

The basic difference, as I see it, is the consistent effort of Scoscia managed teams to play fundamental baseball. There is a level of discipline that is remarkable to watch. Yet, the Angels have shown a lack of consistency in their efforts all year long thus far. I suspect that is about to change completely.

This weekend has the makings of a sweep on paper. This was the game to win, with Bills on the mound. I don't remember a game so polarized between inhuman defense and wretched offense on the part of the Dodgers. 0 for 9 with RISP. Dodger choke or Angel nad on the mound?

This "Freeway series" is becoming an embarassment and deeply unpleasant to watch game permutations always end up in Halo dominance.

All of this may be quite moot if the Angels can't put a solid second half together. I do not see the Dodgers missing out on the NL West title, and the Angels will always have Boston in their head as they are in the Dodgers.

A very bitter loss. Not looking forward to Sat and Sun.

Seriously Chapter 27: Get That Foot Out of My Rear

2009-06-13T21:01:00.000-07:00

***Peng-Wins, Get It?***

Seriously had to bring a couple of heavy-lifting construction dudes down to headquarters to help remove the foot from his rear it was put in so deep by the Pittsburgh Penguins with their winning the 7th game and the Cup. Seriously and the entire Franchise had Pittsburgh losing in six.

***Land That I Love***

Seriously being so red-blooded American and all, he was admittedly praying to the good lord that the city of Detroit would get a break, something great to shout about, etc. My bad. You can't let your heart in the way of this crazy sports game. Hey, it happens to the best of them and other such platitudes.

***Orland-No***

Lakers-Cleveland would have been so much more better than this and who knew Dwight Howard's game was so limited and full of chokey-choke?

Seriously Chapter 26: Free Throws Aren't Free

2009-06-12T21:56:00.001-07:00

I feel for Dwight Howard. While he's a heckuva rebounder and defender, he knows more than anybody out there that he's no Superman. Hell, he's got no offensive game with his back to the basket and he's considered the best center in basketball? By the way, Seriously is not saying anything to you that I haven't said to Dwight in person already. I look forward to getting him on the phone to talk about those 8 missed free throws and the Magic's 19 turnovers as a team.

***Yes, Derek, We Know***

Derek Fisher elevates himself further into the pantheon with two nasty, filthy, digger-in-the-chest 3 point bombs after heaving bricks the entire game.

***Van Gundy - You Idiot***

Make sure you keep on keeping your second best scorer, Rafer Alston, on the bench so Jameer Nelson can keep pouring in the 3 points a game he's averaging.

Van Gundy is an idiot.

Yes, the Magic will win game 5 and then get blown out in L.A.

Seriously Chapter 25: The Ruinous Kobe Bryant

2009-06-10T16:39:00.000-07:00

***Kobe's Cryin'***

Seriously just got off the phone with one of Kobe's people. We can usually get Kobe himself, even after a big loss, but apparently last night's loss is not landing well. Kobe is extremely anal when it comes to hitting his free throws which means his wife will be paying the price for last night's game.

***Yikes on Baseball***

Seriously was part of a conference call earlier today with the agent for MLB top pick, Stephen Strasburg, that being the notorious Scott Boras (who loves it when I call him "notorious.") Scott is a prick of the first order and was in un-rare form, firing on all cylinders, hyping the San Diego State flame thrower as "a different kind of cat," aka - Boras will be looking several times north of the 10 million he got for (cough) Mark Prior back in 2001. Rumor has him presenting a 50 million dollar package to the last-place Nationals as soon as next week. Re: his mega-package, he said, "If that does not happen you would look to all the available resources and then one would have to evaluate what the next step is. For Strasburg, that could mean playing independent ball or going to Japan while he waits for his name to re-enter the pool for next year's draft." God help us all.

***Tiger, Tiger***

Eldrick all low key and getting zero pub in winning Sunday's Memorial. This after looking like he wouldn't make the cut going into the second round and then coming back from four strokes down to win it at the end. Holy schmoly.

Seriously Chapter 24: If It Makes You Happy, Why Are You So Sad?

2009-06-09T13:22:00.000-07:00

Seriously is of the opinion that Sports Seriously fans in Orlando ought to be ashamed of themselves and might consider not utilizing this agency for their news. With your ALL CAPS and !!!!! Explanation points !!!!! Crying and puking about how Gasol should have been charged with goal tending after he, I guess, brushed the basket on little Boo-Boo, Courtney Lee's tight little rookie missed shot. This after your precious Superman had put his hand up through the basket, for all the world to see, on one of Gasol's earlier shots.

The Orlando Magic is a team that deserves to be put away much like the McCain campaign of `08.

***Thank The Good Lord Jesus For Lamar Odom***

Seriously said thank GOD for Lamar Odom a week ago and he only got better so I figured I'd go in a different direction with thank Jesus in a nod to all of the Lamar Haters of America who seem to have found this site all of a sudden. 207 e-mails and 8 faxes (who the heck faxes anymore?) and counting from this irrational, yet well-organized bunch, spearheaded up by two keepers of lost souls, Denver Rick and Joaquin. We want your eyeballs, too, fellas. Welcome aboard. I only ask that you obey the rules and be fact-based when submitting anything about Lamar.

To talk about how dominating and MVP-like Lamar Odom has been in this series would be akin to talking about the wetness of water and, in general, the topic of Finals basketball is best left alone as it's not worth discussing until the Orlando Magic win a game.

***Love, Sydney***

Tonight on NBC, 8:00pm, EST, we go bye-bye Penguins. It was Detroit in 6 before this series even started.

***Belmont Post Mortem***

Call it 2 minutes and 27 seconds of yelling, stomping, coronary insanity. "Summer Bird" winning as an 11-1 underdog was staggering, especially since it looked like his cousin, Derby winner, "Mine That Bird," had the race won. I spoke with victorious Kent Desormeaux after the race and he almost sounded like a seventh grade kid and jockeys never sound like that!

***Breeder's Cup Reality***

If they do the Breeder's Cup in November the way they should, having all three horses running, Rachel Alexandra, Mine That Bird and Summer Bird, than God help our tickers. A Breeder's Cup along those lines wouldn't just change horse racing, it would change the way we live our lives as Americans. Seriously and the entire Franchise are, of course, resolved to keep you updated on everything leading up to the race at California's Santa Anita racetrack. We'll have at least three correspondents there the entire week.

***Zenyatta Flash***

Could west-coast heavyweight, "Zenyatta," be waiting in the wings for the Breeder's Cup as the "forgotten best horse in the country?" The three-year-old's trainer, who would not allow him to endure the long travel of the Triple Crown events, says his horse has nothing to prove against "any horse in the world."

***Let's Go, Dodgers***

Let's lose a few games, shall we?

Stay tuned.

Seriously Chapter 23: Get Plaxico Onto The Field

2009-06-05T19:11:00.000-07:00

Just because Plaxico Burress was in a New York night club last year with a gun, got in a fight and shot himself in the leg does not disqualify him as a "character guy." If you know Plax like I do, you know this to be true. I'm getting e-bombed by the hordes of you re: Plaxico shouldn't be back in the NFL. Rarely do I pop rank on the great people who follow this site (I know you take your sports seriously, so do I, and I literally kiss the ground and my own chest area for the support you give) but let me set the ship straight. Plaxico happens to be a professional athlete. That's the most important thing, first and foremost. Secondly, the incident in the night club only happened as a result of Plaxico's reaction to the established fact that one of his friends got totally disrespected by another man at the night club and you simply don't do that, especially to a professional athlete. And to top it all off, I've come to find out it was extremely late and everyone was really, really tired, especially Plax' himself who reported to me personally that, at the time of the incident, he was feeling "buggy." I just got off the phone with Burress' Attorney, Benjamin Brafman and he is working feverishly to negotiate a deal to allow Burress to play football in 2009 - either by reaching a plea deal with minimal jail time or by postponing a possible trial until AFTER the 2009 NFL season. I told Ben that his client risks suspension under the league's Personal Conduct Policy if there's any jail time of any kind. Ben is quite aware of how cruelly and arbitrarily the Conduct Policy is administered by Chairman Roger Goodell which leaves getting the trial delayed as his most preferred option. Seriously feels that Plaxico should have chucked his current strategy and taken the case to trial. We received inside information months ago that there are at least two witnesses prepared to testify that Plax' had informed almost everyone around him, including strangers, that he was feeling buggy and shouldn't be messed with, much less have one of his close friends disrespected in the manner he was. At minimum, Plax' deserves to get his trial delayed for almost a year. He's a professional athlete. And besides, I know if I discharged a weapon in a crowded night club, I'd be able to decide when my trial was going to be. Give me a break. And Roger Goodell - butt out.

***Finals Go Poof***

Reality came raining down on the Orlando Magic as the Lamar Odom-led, Los Angeles Lakers took a commanding one game lead in the 2009 NBA Finals with a 100-75 evisceration. Superman Dwight Howard was a mighty 1 for 6 shooting, further cementing his legacy, and he has guaranteed me personally that in Game 2's drubbing he will score at least 4 points. This series is well on it's way to becoming about as exciting as watching me pick my toes at night before I go to bed.

***Pittsburgh Up and Walking***

The NHL Finals are tied 2-2 in games after Pittsburgh's 2nd consecutive 4-2 win over the Red Wings and Sydney scored a goal!

***French Open Finals Set***

Federer vs. Soderling on Sunday for the Men's

Safina vs. Kuznetsova on Saturday for the Women's

Not to objectify women in the least but Kuznetsova almost borders on good looking but not really and neither gal is easy on the eyes much. Seriously almost never issues a skip order on a sporting event (a total of three in 30 years) but this is close.

Stay tuned.

Seriously Chapter 22: A Not-So-Eerie Calm

2009-06-03T20:27:00.000-07:00

Laker Land is in total lock down, save for Phil, who was the picture of relaxation and competence at today's presser. This on the eve of tomorrow's first game of the NBA Championship series pitting the Los Angeles Lakers versus the Orlando Magic. After reiterating what they were looking to accomplish in the first game and reflecting on the return of the 2 - 3 - 2 format, Phil mused that he's "open to suggestions" when a reporter asked if he pays heed to tips that come in from every day fans, what with the all-encompassing internet and what not. It was a display of wit and guile from a man who literally has only just begun to shave his moustache recently.

Lakers in six or quicker if Lamar just do what Lamar do.

***Tom Glavine Released By The Braves***

Today's release wasn't a case akin to Jim Palmer, who got bombed into retirement, Tommy simply became less active until the Braves finally just stopped using him anymore. Yes, there's some inherent sadness in that but there's also an element of divine grace. And by god, that's Tom Glavine for you - divine grace. Seriously just now got off the phone with Tommy and while most of the conversation was private in nature, (having known and covered Tommy since the glory days of Maddux, Glavine, Smoltz and Avery,) Tommy told me, ever the pitcher, that he's "letting go of that low outside corner so some other guys can hit it." Then we both cried.

Tom Glavine - a first ballot Hall of Famer, a helluva golfer, a mensch and a man amongst men.

Seriously Chapter 21: Phil, You Can't Let This Fat Slob Beat You

2009-06-02T20:01:00.000-07:00

Sports Seriously almost has all of our NBA Finals correspondents in place, two in each city, including special guest, Moses Malone, who will be on this site throughout.

***Twilight***

So here we are, nearly on the eve of what will likely be the most dynamic, dramatic NBA Finals match-up in the history of the sport. With a potential for drama far exceeding any of the classic Laker-Celtic showdowns of the past. The spectre of Kobe Bryant versus Dwight Howard looks to dwarf Magic Johnson versus Larry Bird. Judging by the e-mail bombs we're getting, there's white hot intense heat down on the street for this bad boy of a series. The L.A. Times just did an article on Trevor Ariza. Have you seen Dwight Howard with his cape?

Meanwhile, things are so locked down in Laker Land, even Seriously cannot reach Phil Jackson whom Seriously has known for years. My message to him, when I finally get through (and I always do,) will be simple. Orlando's little fat slob of a coach cannot be permitted to beat you, Phil. Now, Phil has a masterful sense of humor but you usually have to let him initiate it. (Honestly, most of my conversations with Phil have been about music.) But he'll know what I'm getting at with my comment about the Orlando coach. And don't worry, I'll let you all know what Phil says. Frankly, I don't think anybody in the media is saying anything about how Stan Van Gundy is a little fat guy with a mustache. It's something this reporter is not going to let go of.

Get ready for the 2009 NBA Championship Series beginning this Thursday evening, 9:00pm EST on ABC. Looks like it's gonna be another ball burner.

***French Open Blood Letting***

Tomorrow, Sandro di Parma will fill you in on some of the carnage at Roland Garros as heads are starting to roll.

***Pittsburgh Lives***

If only that were true of Sports Seriously's NHL Finals Coverage. Detroit in 6.

Stay tuned.

Seriously Chapter 20: Falling on The Grenade That Has Been Our French Open Coverage

2009-06-01T14:26:00.000-07:00

Our renowned tennis correspondent, Sandro di Parma, is an Italian in Paris which apparently says it all, I wouldn't know, I'm too concerned with getting information out to a lot of people who want to know stuff so I find myself a tad angered by this correspondent who's first report comes on the eve of the French Open quarter finals. But

***Unlike `Bron `Bron, I Can Face You All***

Sports Seriously, our staff, but most importantly Seriously himself, have or has or will be delinquent in our French Open coverage and it's entirely unacceptable as a news agency of note. But let's press on and thank Sandro di Parma for putting the wine sack down for a second and filing this report. Staff informs that many of you out there have been reading Sandro di Parma on tennis for years. Well, that's good. I just hope he goes to all the matches he's supposed to.

Live from the 2009 French Open
Sandro di Parma files this:

Was late for the Federer/Haas match today. I blame Mirka. Yet again, she gave me the wrong start time. I don't think she likes it when I'm at Roger's matches because all I ever do these days is make suggestions on how Roger can improve his play. She used to not mind, but ever since she's become big as a house, it seems her patience level has decreased. If Rog makes it to the finals, I'm betting Mirka will have to buy 2 seats by then.

In any event, R-Fed somehow put together one of the more improbable come backs today, winning in 5 sets after being down 2 sets to love and 5 points from elimination. If one wants to learn about how to play beautiful tennis, watch sets 3, 4 and 5. Other than perhaps Andy Murray, Federer's path to his 14th Grand Slam is now wide open, since Rafa, the Spanish toro in a china shop, lost to Robin Soderling. I couldn't even be bothered to watch that match. If I'm going to subject myself to all that snorting, grunting, awkward herky jerky movements and bodily fluids, I'd at least like get something out of it, too. I'd rather watch some porn. Like a Sharapova match.

Next up for Federer - the winner of Roddick/Monfils. I do love to watch Roger play Andy, but since it's the French Open, I'd like to see homeboy Gaël in there. The crowd's loyalties will be torn. But then again, with the frogs, what would one expect? I've got to run over to Court Suzanne Lenglen now to watch Jelena Jankovic put an ass whupping on Sorana Cirstea.

Seriously Chapter 19: Dodgers Winning Narco Baseball

2009-05-31T19:56:00.000-07:00

Sports Seriously has received nearly a thousand e-mails from baseball fans across the country who are reacting in HORROR and disbelief that the Dodgers continue to have, by far, the best record in all of baseball. The Sports Seriously franchise and all who work here concur with that horror. Rooting for the Dodgers is like rooting for a Mexican drug cartel. But even if you dislike the Dodgers the way you rightly should, it brings great joy to see Juan Pierre shoving it down everyone's throat (including the Dodgers themselves.) That dude got zero respect from anybody and he's batting a notch under .400. And I cannot stress the importance of the way Juan Pierre wears the high socks and flies all over the field. Yeah, he has no throwing arm but just to overstate it - you simply must admire the way this surprising baseball hero plays the game. Hate the team, not the player.

***I Hate, I Hate When The Lakers Play So Great!***

It's always makes for more fun copy when the Lakers play like movie stars and jack 3's and don't utilize Lamar Odom but, oh well. Maybe they'll revert to I-Don't-Wanna-Mix-It-Up ball at some point in the Finals against Orlando and the series will end up close. But I don't knoooooow...if they play like they did in putting Denver away, fully in integrated Lamar into the offense, and then you combine that with the fact that Lamar's back will be much better by Thursday (just a contusion,) you're talking about a championship team in six games or less. While that's not horror, it is a little bit frightening.

Chapter 18: What Do Lebron James and Susan Boyle Have in Common?

2009-05-30T15:45:00.000-07:00

It's over for the both of them. That's what they share and it doesn't diminish their accomplishments. Seriously is like a rock and even he shed a tear watching that beautiful, ugly-ass Susan Boyle break everybody's heart with that song. Now she's lost "Britain's Got Talent" but I'd still pay to hear her sing. I love that lady. And what can you say about `Bron `Bron after the Cavalier's loss except for "I hope you stay in Cleveland?" Seriously means that seriously. Lebron James going to the Knicks would be the phoniest move to New York since Brett Farve and the Olsen Twins. At least in Cleveland you have a team, `Bron, and it's in the finest state in the union, Ohio, which I will say to `Bron next time I talk to him. `Bron and his people are fans of Sports Seriously, us having known`Bron since he was covering up tattoos with gauze tape so he could qualify to play in high school games so Seriously will be talking to him no matter what kind of crazy things people throw up on this particular sports site. I'll be talking to `Bron and I'll be letting you know. Stay tuned.

Seriously Chapter 17: Titled "No, No, Nene"

2009-05-29T18:06:00.000-07:00

That the Lakers demolished the Nuggets, 119-92, to advance to the NBA finals against either the Magic or Cavs is secondary to what just happened Wednesday night.

***Thank God For Lamar Odom***

We've been getting hit hard with e-mails and I even got a fax today. (Who the heck gets faxes anymore?) The consensus seems to be that after Wednesday night's crushing, tide turning, Game 5 victory over the Nuggets, that Seriously deserves some kind of credit or "special props" for pointing out/stressing/elucidating the fact that the great one from the University of Rhode Island, Lamar Odom, is the single most important player for the Los Angeles Lakers, far beyond Jellybean's kid, and he just might be the most important player in all of NBA basketball. As if in the process of providing information as a sports service I'm supposed to come before you and say - hey, call me a soothsayer. Far from it. I'm just reporting what I see and I give thanks to god that I'm lucky enough to have all of you who ask me, "About this thing, what do you think?"
Wearing a special harness to cover the bloody flippin' sack on his badly injured injured back (call it a contusion if you want to,) which had to be drained twice in three days by trainer Gary Vitti, Lamar drops a cool 19, 14, 4 block performance that showed Denver's Dude With the Hairdresser's Name, Nene, just what the area under the basket is all about. A certain poster was rather snarky in referring to the fact that, as reported, Lamar often walks around Los Angeles munching a bag of candy. This poster has been permanently banished form Sports Seriously and will not be heard from again. To speak ill of Lamar (who incidentally is extremely sensitive and can't drink or do drugs to numb himself when his feelings are hurt) is to find yourself persona non grata. As was reported before, Lamar Odom personally told Seriously that, as of this season, he "can't even blow no weed no more."

***NEWSFLASH***

From Elmont, New York. Rachel Alexandra, who became the first philly in 84 years to win the Preakness, and who is Seriously's main gal, WILL NOT run in the 141st Belmont Stakes on June 6, her connections have told Sports Seriously Friday afternoon. I spoke to owner, Jess Jackson, and he told Seriously that Rachel continues to suffer from exhaustion and it would be in her best interest to not race again so soon after the Preakness. Seriously has known Jess for 15 years and takes him at his word. This means (heartbreak) there will be no final, change-the-course-of-the-nation showdown with Mine That Bird who won the Derby and ran second to Rachel at the Preakness. We love this once-in-a-lifetime Rachel Alexandra and only hope she can settle things once and for all at this year's Breeder's Cup, November 4th at Santa Anita which now becomes the televised event that could eclipse the final episodes of "MASH" and "Seinfeld." The sorry consolation is that her withdrawal opens the door for red-hot jockey Calvin Borel to leave Rachel's saddle and takeover Mine That Gold for the Belmont, whom Calvin rode to victory in the Derby.

***Sung To The Tune Of Don Meredith's "The Party's Over"

Cavs pull out Game 5, with `Bron `Bron having to make like a one man gang, but head back to Orlando for tomorrow night's game still down 3-2. The chances of the Cavaliers winning tomorrow night are about as good as me getting into the game as a power forward.

Seriously Chapter 16: Boogity Bub Weighs in on NASCAR

2009-05-28T21:22:00.001-07:00

When you've played the sports game as long as Seriously has, and have been blessed enough to travel on the inside, getting to go places where I shouldna oughta been, with people you wouldn't really even believe, you tend to accumulate some fantastic personalities along with fantastic sources along the way. Sports Seriously's NASCAR guy, Boogity Bub, is both a personality and a source. He calls himself "a cashed up redneck" because when you go to his property, about an hour outside Charlotte, there's cars and boats scattered everywhere only their all nice. And he'll shoot anything so you best keep your hands in plain sight, even if he's passed you through his gate. This self described "old grease monkey from way back" files this report which will be his first of hopefully many on this site.

Boogity Bub filed this:

As one who lives in the South, aka NASCAR Country, I learned long ago that there's three things you're can't talk about around here: religion, politics and Dale Earnhardt, Jr. Well, all I can say to that is - FUCK DALE EARNHARDT, JR!!!
Ever since NASCAR, which is an acronym for "Non-Athletic Sport Centered Around Rednecks" made this no-driving, squinty-eyed, in-bred looking, bad acting poser the face of the sport, my love has grown for my most favorite sport...Anything that ain't NASCAR! I am so sick of seeing this dude everywhere I turn on the TV or radio that I'm almost ready to become a fan of "Everybody Loves Raymond" re-runs. Face it, "Junior Nation", you bunch of idiots, you're boy is the Anna Kournikova of NASCAR... Only 1000 times uglier and less sexy. Oh, sure, it's true that "Mr. Lucky Sperm Club" has more fans than anybody in sports next to Tiger Woods but that's where the comparison ends. If Tiger ain't playing in a golf tournament - nobody, and I mean nobody, watches because Tiger alone creates the competition and drama in that sport. If Junior don't race or gets knocked our early, the race actually gets better because you know he won't be out there wrecking people and it's fun to watch his fans whine and freak out. Look, I don't hate the dude personally. Shit, everyone around here knows him. And I know that he didn't ask to be made "The Face of NASCAR". His daddy was an immortal legend and by birth right, he too has been elevated to legend-status which makes NASCAR an big, fat ass-load of money. I'm sure Junior would much rather come to the track, bang a hot babe in his trailer, work on his car, race and then head home for a beer and few days of fishing with his renowned posse. Hell, I'd take that. The dude rarely shows any passion or emotion and would probably prefer that the cameras weren't always there... Well, except for when he's chewing up dialogue in one of his never ending TV commercials. Sorry, there I go hatin' again. But as long as he has a fan base the size of Guam and throngs of worshipers with Jr. tattoos on their bodies, top-tier sponsors paying millions and untold sums coming in from licensing and personal deals, a super-greedy NASCAR will continue to slap his face on everything - time after time, year after year, reminding us all that's it pays to be loved...and hated.

C. 2009 Boogity Bub

Seriously Chapter 15: Just Make Sure They've Got the High Socks

2009-05-27T18:08:00.000-07:00

***Some Things We Know***

- The Astros' Hunter Pence and Pittsburgh's Nyjer Morgan are the two most important players in baseball, worthy of observation and admiration. Not only because of the way they play the game but the way they wear their uniforms with the high socks like they're going to be flying all over the field like Willie Mays or some lofty elongated sentence with all your favorite baseball memories in it.

- Old-school Gas House Gang look and style of play is the only thing worth aspiring to in MLB. Yes, that does sound extremely National League-ish of the Franchise. Just because we cover the American League that doesn't mean we like it. I like real baseball where you go "Holy shit, the pitcher's up. Now what do we do?" And my staff statistician just handed me a slip of paper. Despite all the documented hoo-hoo kerfuffle about how dominant and superior the American League is, I noticed that it's only 5-4 AL in the last 9 World Series'. Granted, the most pulverizing division in the majors is the American League East with Boston, New York, Tampa Bay, Toronto and even Baltimore is interesting but I would trade the lot of them just to have Detroit's Dontrelle Willis return to his old form. See, I hate the league, not the player.

- Barcelona beat Manchester United in dominating fashion, 2-0, to win the UEFA Championship which is the European equivalent of the Super Bowl in soccer. Correspondent Demitri Mantalos, in transit back from Rome, will be filing a complete report as soon as tomorrow so you xenophobic, narrow minded idiots will know exactly what you missed. Some of you truly deserve to be sports slapped.

***No, `Bron `Bron, No!!!***

Yeah, we haven't learned our lesson from the last time when Lebron James and his people came down on us so hard. We really shouldn't, as a franchise and news agency, be making fun of the Cavaliers who seem to be about to lose their Eastern Conference Final series versus the Magic. Especially since `Bron `Bron was kind enough to speak to Sports Seriously after last night's overtime loss when he said, "Damn, I still ain't got nobody around me." Cavs down a nearly insurmountable 3-1. Yeah, heading back home but that's for only one game. But really, truly, truthfully, knowing `Bron for years the way I do, they ain't no telling how far he can take them if Lebron just do what Lebron do.

Stay tuned for soccer, tennis and Sports Seriously's first report from NASCAR Country.

Seriously Chapter 14: The Los Angeles Movie Stars Lose Game 4

2009-05-26T19:04:00.000-07:00

If you don't live in L.A., you wouldn't understand. It's a Kobe-Phil Jackson/Lakers-On-the-Road thing when they show up, get hammered in the middle, hit the f - it switch and decide to pack it in for home court. Yeah, it's the luxury of being up 2-1 in games but it's also akin to not wanting to drive your Lexus into a certain neighborhood because there's a chance that it might somehow get scratched. Whatever, finesse guys. The Nuggets' Martin, Anderson and the thick brother with the hairdresser's name, Nene, combine for 42 rebounds, more than the entire Laker team and the Lakers decide to have none of it. Not taking away from the fact that Denver destroyed them, they did. The Lakers couldn't do a damn thing and by the end of the game looked like they were watching a wood chipper. But it is Phil and Kobe, y'all. They've got so many championship rings between them that you ultimately can't really say anything unless they get eliminated. Anybody want to make that bet?

***Jose Canseco, Though Vindicated, Still Deserves to Get His Ass Kicked***

Seriously doesn't care care how right Jose Canseco was in exposing the prevalence of steroids in baseball with his book, "Juiced." He's still relentlessly ignorant, has that repulsive, self-righteous facial tick and looks like every guy who ever tried to sell me cocaine. Furthermore, as a big fan and believer in MMA (When it comes to sports, Seriously likes things/teams/people that aren't much worth liking, remember? I'm a Clipper fan, I'm actually concerned about Jeff Gordon's back injury and will it keep him out of his car and I think Yoko Ono is kind of cool. You feel me?) As a mixed martial arts fan, Seriously was seriously appalled Saturday night when Jose Canseco thought he could train for only three weeks and actually fight in MMA Dream 9 and I was as proud as a doting father of the 8-foot, 400 pound China man that kicked the living shit out of him in 76 seconds. His name is Hong Man Choi and he'll be my guest next week on this site. Discovered wandering around with an axe in his hand in the forest of China's Hung Tsi province six years ago by actor Chazz Palminteri while on location filming "Zena: Warrior Princess, Now!," Hong Man Choi is more than a fighter, more than my guest next week, he's an inspiration. Much like Danny Bonaduce and former Eagles kicker Vai Sikahema, Seriously just seriously likes anybody who kicks Jose Canseco's ass.

- A dude who looked like he was starving to death won yesterday's Los Angeles Marathon. Kenya's Wesley Korir won the men's title with a time of 2:08, winning 160,000 dollars, a Honda Accord EX and hopefully some potted meat, for god sakes. The woman's title was won in a time of 2:25 by a Russian gal named, Tatiana.

- James Blake is the only early round casualty at tennis' French Open so far. If that sounds like thin coverage for a major grand slam event, it is. Sports Seriously correspondents have refused to transmit copy from Roland Garros until at least the third round, saying the tournament is a "cattle call" at this point. While the Franchise is new to comprehensive tennis coverage and we definitely want to leave it to the pros, I think staff is drinking too much wine and not doing their job. I will have updates and word on copy by tomorrow, however. Things are getting a little too French right now and I'm kind of pissed about it.

Seriously Chapter 13: The Worst Thing You Can Do is Win?

2009-05-25T12:09:00.000-07:00

- Seriously needs to get this straight. The Padres just came back from six runs down in extra innings to win their 10th game in a row and all they're trying to do is break up the Padres. Every other report has Jake Peavy's going here or there, they're trying to trade Adrian Gonzalez and they're fed up with Kevin Kouzmanoff.

***Also From "The Worst Thing You Can Do is Win" File***

- After Seriously's favorite gal, Rachel Alexandra, made history two weeks ago as the first philly in 84 years to win the Preakness (she swept the field,) sources now say it's questionable whether she'll make her final show-down-destiny run against Derby winner, Mine That Gold, for the Belmont Stakes. While Sports Seriously reported Rachel's digestive/stomach issue the day after the Preakness, we had also subsequently verified that she was back on her regular training schedule as of last week. Then today, staff spoke to owner, Jess Jackson, who stated he was uncertain (this morning) of the Preakness champion's status for the Belmont Stakes on June 6. We spoke to him after he had just finished working her out at Churchill Downs. "What else does she have to prove?" Jackson said. "The Preakness was a gamble and we don't have to gamble anymore." He further characterized her as a "tired horse." At the same time we spoke to trainer, Steve Asmussen, who said Rachel Alexandra was "comfortable, happy, and agreeable, and today looked like nothing more than an extended gallop," adding that he advised Jackson that he should wait on a (Belmont) decision.
Is Rachel Alexandra a sick horse? Will we be denied the most exciting Belmont Stakes in history? Rachel Alexandra versus Mine That Gold, who finished second at Preakness, would elevate horse-racing to the forefront of national consciousness and change the way we live our lives as Americans. And that's not even taking into account the jockey controversy! After red-hot Calvin Borel rode Mine That Gold to victory at the Derby, he then rode Rachel Alexandra to victory at the Preakness. Now he refuses to say which horse he will ride in the Belmont and that's AFTER Rachel's health issue of today. It's becoming quite apparent that horse racing exceeds the economy, Iraq and health care as it relates to issues of national importance.

- Right as Seriously was hammering the NBA Eastern Conference Finals into granite as a classic, the teams lay a thug-ball stinker in last night's game three, an Orlando ten-point victory featuring 58 fouls, 86 free-throws, two technical's and a flagrant. Through the thuggery and blown whistles it was less a case of Orlando kicking tail than it was the Cavaliers getting exposed as a team of two guys total. `Bron `Bron gets 41, Mo Williams 15, not much else and a mighty 8 points off Cleveland's bench. After making history in the last game, `Bron `Bron goes 11 of 28, 1 of 8 from three point land, has no flow and Orlando is up 2-1 in series.

***Sorry Sight For Cleveland Fans***

Ilgauskas, your doughy seven-foot center continually lumbering out to the perimeter, angling for three point shots, missing every one of them and conceding the entire basket area to Dwight Howard who is making Ilgauskas look like he belongs behind a meat slicer. If you're the Orlando Magic, you're happy. If you're an NBA fan you want to hit reset.

- The two most odious squads in the National League are the Cubs and Mets who are major market teams loaded with stars and they play lousy team baseball. They're gaudy when they win (which is never) and they're punks when they lose. The San Francisco Giants aren't a particularly winning team but if you beat them, it's 2 - 1 or 3 - 2 and they're an actual baseball team. The Mets and Cubs are totally dysfunctional with they're Milton Bradleys and Gary Sheffields and Seriously seriously enjoys watching them both get stomped.

- ESPN, yes we do mention the competition, (especially when they're off they're bloomin' rockers,) has their weekly MLB Power Rankings out and they list the Dodgers at #1, ahead of the Red Sox and Yankees. They also have the Angels at 12th after the Angels nearly dismantled the Dodgers in their three game series just finished AT Dodger Stadium. Yeah, the Dodgers still have the best record and, yeah, we were making jokes only a few days ago about them winning every game but they have a newly blown-out hole in their pitching staff with no starters beyond Billingsley, Kershaw and Wolf and an exhausted bullpen that's starting to get bombed. They're still one of the top teams but #1? It's imperative that the Sports Seriously franchise overtake ESPN so a silly power ranking such as this never again has relevance or even sees the light of day. But fear not. At over 246,000 hits since going online less than three weeks ago, we are well on our way to blowing ESPN's doors off and taking care of the problem. So we thank you again for all for the correspondences, atta-boys and eh, not so goods. The way you've supported Sports Seriously from the beginning is a daily inspiration to us and may god bless you for it.

- Today marked the beginning of the French Open tennis championship. We'll have reports directly from Roland Garros starting tomorrow.

- NBA Western Conference Finals, game four coverage tomorrow as well.

Stay tuned.

Seriously Chapter 12: Towards the Constant Variety of Sport

2009-05-24T17:49:00.000-07:00

If you're like Seriously, you don't know enough about soccer. Some of you are not in the know because you don't have the time and some of you simply hate the game. If you hate the game of soccer then, as a sportsman, you should be ashamed of yourself and go stand in the corner like at the end of "The Blair Witch Project." Currently, the most important soccer event in the world is Wednesday's upcoming final of the 2009 UEFA Champions League in Rome. Sports Seriously is pleased to have veteran Los Angeles/Sao Paulo based correspondent, Demitri Mantalos, with his report live from the ground in Roma.

Demitri files this:

Rome: 2009….a long way from Cleveland Ohio and some guy named King James

So here I sit, covering this sport and I wonder why most Americans, and yes I am one by birth, most Americans have no idea the coolness of the UEFA Champions League. Let’s first start off by saying that this competition, unlike the one we are experiencing at this moment in the states, does not feature guys with such interesting names like the Mamba, King James, Super Man and ‘Melo (however if you ever saw Carmelo’s Punk'd episode on MTV you’d say this guy definitely is anything but mellow but rather downright angry. I thought he was gonna choke a bitch or one of his boys was going to pistol whip someone. Note to Ashton Kutcher-not a good idea to tangle with such cats which is probably why you were smart enough to send a flunky the way you did to jump out of the closet to disclose the gag.) I don’t know what has happened to basketball, one of my favorite sports in the world, but it has become classless with a capital C or that same c might stand for crap.

For the sake of this article the c stands for the Champions League of European football or votebal or calcio or futebol but definitely not soccer. Born into existence in England, this is the world’s game. Everyone in the world plays it and everyone adores it (they can’t all be wrong can they?) Hold on…I’m not done bashing b-ball…Now as much as I love the game of basketball I’ve given up on guys with tattoos, their Cristal, dope cribs, phat whips, gangsta rap and the one on one action. Long gone are the days of 80’s basketball where even as I grew up being a Laker fan, I loved the Celtics and the Pistons because of the quality of what I saw and the personalities that melded into team (note to editor, Mark Price was cool, too.) This same concept of team and pride still exists with ferocity in Europe. The uniforms actually mean something to these guys. Yes they’ve got the sponsors and egos, that’s just sports in general, but we won’t be beginning the game with Mesi or Ronaldo or Giggs throwing chalk into the air at midfield (what a stupid spectacle that has become) and there won’t be a spinning circle of dudes barking like dogs, no faux picture taking and no one has ridiculous names from comic book magazines or off the cover of high times, or in Kobe’s case, the cover of some third rate porn dvd. These are men plain and simple unlike the mental midgets in the NBA (and how again can someone be called a world champion if no one else from around the world is allowed to participate?? Isn’t that what the Olympics are for?)…oh yeah…back to ‘soccer’…sorry.

This Wednesday I’ll be witnessing Manchester United (think Cristiano Ronaldo) and Barcelona (Lionel Messi) go at each other (not in the way some men and all women want to go at David Beckham) and not in the way guys in the MLS do in the states. You know…MLS...that horrible, unwatchable play with zero excitement and even less offence or defence (yes…I even spell like a euro now because I’m cool like dat.) I could have played in major league soccer when I was 12 and as good as I thought I might have been, the honest truth is that I couldn’t even carry out the ball to these players who are playing on Wednesday. Come to think of it, you almost don’t even want to tell your friends you play soccer in the states unless it’s a beer league at a university.

The Champions League format is, in simple terms, a playoff system between 32 European teams played during their off days outside of their fixed leagues. It would be like the Lakers playing in a California league most of the time while occasionally matching up against other states’ teams. The play is fast and furious and the two winners of their collective groups go head to head in a final game. Pretty simple. I’m not going to bore you with point systems but suffice it to say there are no 7 games series' to be played. Come out to play hard in the championship game and win by a goal or go home bummed. Just like in our beloved American Football league sans one guy named Chad Ochocinco (what a douche.)

The style of play will be aggressive, as is the nature of the English and Spanish styles. You will see epic matchups. You will see fantastic goals. You’ll see soccer the way you’ve never imagined seeing it (think actually exciting.) If you get a chance, check ESPN on Wednesday, 2:30pm EST, and you might actually learn something while having a good time. And if it exists in your town, try and find a good bar next to a hostel if you can….those Euro girls will dig that you’re into it kind of like U.S. girls when they go abroad with that whole Vegas mantra. These soccer chicks are ho's, too. I should know, I married one.

c. 2009 Demitri Mantalos

Demitri will file a full report after Wednesday's final between Manchester United and Barcelona.

Stay tuned.

Chapter 11: The Los Angeles Derek Fishers

2009-05-23T17:24:00.000-07:00

***Hate the Team, Not the Player ***

These Lakers are easy to root against, SORRY!!! And the whole series is about as exciting as the bleedin' shoelaces involved in the Eastern Conference Finals which has played out as I warned, (ten times better than the West) ending last night on an impossible three point shot and further elevation into the pantheon by `Bron, `Bron who Seriously was mocking on this site just 2 short days ago. In fact, I heard from `Bron's people and later, `Bron himself. We at the Franchise ended up approaching the situation with great regret. And it goes to show, you can learn a lesson in life even with something you already know in that - you don't mock the great ones and you don't give the great ones fuel for their fire. Instead of being down 2 zip heading to Orlando, the series is tied and the Cavs have all the momentum. God knows what will happen in Sunday's game three. It could give even a normal man a sports coronary, it will be so comprehensively dynamic.
Meanwhile, back in the not-so-wild west, the game 2 performances of Derek Fisher (1 for 9 with an air ball at the buzzer) and Andrew Bynum (on the bench for good for mental reasons) would be enough to depress any Laker fan. But it's Lamar Odom's back that could be the real killer for them as they head into tonight's game three, tied 1-1 and teetering. The great one, Lamar Odom, is physically hindered in his ability to perform which obviously affects the team on the whole though I must warn

***All Those On This Sports Seriously Site***

E-mails are streaming in to me personally, fine, but I must warn those on the site itself - any anti-Lamar Odom comments of any kind are not permitted and will be dealt with swiftly. This also applies to anything negative related to the Los Angeles Clippers. Thank you.

***You Will Know Soccer***

Soccer report and other reports right around the corner. Stay tuned.

Seriously Chapter 10: Blake Griffin - Welcome to Clipper Nation

2009-05-22T16:41:00.000-07:00

"Don't be afraid to delegate," an old Jew once told me "and play to your strength."

***We Cover it All***

We at Sports Seriously are seriously committed to bringing you, in bullet form, the ever changing, constant variety of sport with correspondents covering baseball, the Dodgers, the Yankees, tennis, NHL hockey, college football, NFL football and even soccer matches from around the world. We're blessed with a great staff and a rare pipeline of information, not to mention a support group of phenominal information GIVERS aka - all of you who write in the way you do. We're at 226,000 hits since we started two weeks ago. God bless and let's get going.

***Keeping Most Things Los Angeles Clippers Related Under Wraps and Clearing the Air***

With 2009 East and Western confrence finals at hand, my solemn commitment is to the NBA and the fans, not to myself nor my other role or "gig" as a Clipper historian. I've made no comment to any outlet regarding the Clippers' getting the top pick in Blake Griffin beyond that the Los Angeles Clippers will win next year's NBA title.

- If the Dodgers ever lose a game again I'll eat my own poop.

- Tattoos are pretty foul on men and are becoming more and more obnoxiously prevalent in professional sports with lizard tails climbing higher and higher up dude's necks. Witness teammates Kenyon Martin and that appalling, human hypodermic needle, Chris "The Bird Man" Anderson of the Denver Nuggets. And now even these baseball guys, oy, I sound like an old man sitting on a rubber ring. Tattoos should be allowed only for the good men in the military who choose to have them or go ahead and let WWF guys have them (they're all animals as it is.) Tattoos are recommended and look fantastic on women, however, and who cares about the ones on old ladies, they're faded anyway.

- The Yankees must be starting to give Red Sox fans piles. I don't even know what piles are but they sound old-school and painful.

- Tomorrow they will announce the jockey for Derby winner, "Mine That Gold," a gelding who doesn't seem to mind what jockey is on his back, he just runs like hell. It's been said in some outlets that a few more lengths would have had Gold overtaking winner, "Rachel Alexandra," at the Preakness but I say ixnay. That filly had a silly kick. If you don't take the time to watch the Belmont Stakes on ABC, June 6th, marking the final, in-the-dirt showdown between Mine That Gold and my main gal, Rachel Alexandra, who is over her digestive difficulties and training full out, then you seriously belong at a Bill Pullman Film Festival and you're a creep.

Hockey, soccer soon so you'll know absolutely everything. Stay tuned.

Chapter 9: Last Second Shots

2009-05-21T20:34:00.000-07:00

- How come, when Vladimir Guererro runs the bases, he looks like a horse with legs that are about to snap?

- Can you believe a slob like John Kruk was such a great baseball baseball player? I love that guy. Another dude to have on your Slob Alert when he comes up to bat is Philidelphia's Matt Stairs. Ten YEARS ago he looked like a guy who plays in a beer league and he's got more career home runs than Kirk Gibson, Robin yount and Derek Jeter.

- The first two games of the Lakers-Nuggets series combined were about ten-percent as exciting as game one of Cavs-Magic which was an instant classic won on a last second three pointer by a forgotten man, Orlando's Rashard Lewis. (No, `Bron, `Bron, no!) Now, instead of sweeping the world, the Cavs lost, Lebron is limping and Ilgauskas hasn't even hurt his foot yet!!

- If the Dodgers ever lose another game, I'll have sex with one of Michael Vick's dogs. That's unnecessarily repulsive and I don't know why I wrote that.

- A couple of weeks ago, Seriously heard from one of his deep, deep, deep inside tennis sources that Roger Federer would never again defeat Raphael Nadal and then Federer promptly took him in straight sets at last Sunday's Madrid Open. If L.A. County can make their first layoffs since Charlie Chaplin was running around then the Sports Seriously franchise sure as hell can, too. While Seriously can tolerate lack of effort, I cannot and will not tolerate staff being incorrect.

***Kudos to the People***

The Franchise just surpassed 210,000 hits in the first week and a half of operation. Thank you, everyone. Not only for your patronage but for the many e-mails, letters, middle fingers and all those things that keep me sharp. Without you I'm nothing. God bless.

***I Hear You***

Your many requests have been heard and Sports Seriously correspondent, Demitri Mantalos, will be filing a soccer report from Sao Paulo any day now. This I am happy to say. In birthing this monster I never knew, in my wildest dreams, that there would be so many soccer fans who would follow. Better yet is how many souls have been drawn to the game by Demitri's expansive, insightful and thought-provoking reports on the most popular game in the world. Lack of frequency in the reports has engendered complaints and I truly understand. In mentioning this to Demitri, his response was, "Would you rush a painting?" Stay tuned and bear with.

Seriously Chapter 8: Machine Thrown For a Loop

2009-05-20T08:20:00.000-07:00

The unbeatable Dodgers have a new problem to overcome. First Manny Ramirez and now possibly Orlando Hudson. Correspondent Dodger Tony, who has worked Chavez Ravine since it was a mound of dust with dirty little Mexican kids running around, with clubhouse access and sources up and down the organization, has returned to earth and here's his report from the ground:

ORLANDO HUDSON INJURED IN TUESDAY NIGHTS GAME. LISTED AS DAY TO DAY:

And so it appears that this is going to be one of "those" years, where ill fortune may be the hand we are dealt in order to find those pearls who must "step up" when called upon to do so. So far the loss of Ramirez has been negligible. Based on his history and the way the injury appeared, one can only assume significant down time for Hudson. This continues to make things remarkably interesting for the Dodgers.

I must also assume that the organization has some sort of backup plan in place WHEN Hudson got hurt, only a matter of time I believe we all suspected. I'm not exactly sure what the backup plan is. Due to Furcal's decline, and Juan Castro essentially being his relief, I suspect Dewitt might get the call up. I haven't checked on Hu's numbers if you wanted to spell Castro as Furcal's second and move him over to second rather than limit range with Loretta. My greater fear, of course, is the Dodger medical staff and their penchant for lack of transparency regarding injuries. Let's all say a prayer tonight that this was not Hudson's last game as a Dodger. If for some reason this is season ending (not out of the realm of possibility), do we think about trying to procure the services of someone like Freddy Sanchez?

This more than sucks but absolutely to be expected.

It really does take an entire roster to win a pennant and we will most likely be seeing it all year.

- c. 2009 Dodger Tony

The Dodgers Will Lose a Game, I Just Don't Know When

2009-05-19T16:10:00.000-07:00

Be it e-mail message, cell phone calls, or emo songs on an MP3, please refrain from crying and bothering Seriously as to when the Dodgers will lose their next game. It's up to the team and the players. I have no control. I want the Dodgers to lose just as badly as you do. Meanwhile, on the other side of that L.A. spectrum is Sports Seriously correspondent, Dodger Tony, who is hysterically frenzied about his team's invincibility to the point where I don't know what he's got in one hand while he's typing with the other. He's Dennis Hopper with an air mask and has no idea how unpretty it is. A lot of ALL CAPS and DODGERS, MOTHER-CHUCKER!!! DODGER DISEMBOWELMENT! The Mets are A CONCENTRATION CAMP TEAM right now!!!! And yet in the past I've had to literally talk Dodger Tony off the ledge of a multi -floored building because his team couldn't get any clutch hits.
Seriously says this seriously right now to everyone. With this blog blowing up the way it has (there's been over 160 thousand hits since we started last week) there's just too many decisions to be made right now and I simply don't have the time I used to. I can't hold everyone's hand when they're down and I'm not going to be able to slap sense into every fool who's full of himself. You can quote me on this, yo. "The season is a marathon, not a sprint."

- Catch as much Charles Barkley as you can on TNT during the Eastern Conference finals as ABC takes over with ESPN for the West and ABC broadcasts the finals. Charles Barkley, DUI's and all, is a national treasure and I seriously cannot overstate it enough.

- After Barkley, there's May 24th and the 2009 French Open tennis champonship where you're a bearded socialist if you don't take the time to catch John MacEnroe doing color on NBC. Forget Nadal and Federer, nothing in tennis rivals John MacEnroe on the mike. He can even make Mary Carillo interesting. Stay tuned to the franchise for updates leading up to the tournament and throughout as Sports Seriously will have a special guest correspondent positioned at Roland Garros who will be filing live reports as the events unfold. Again, stay tuned.

- Don't look now but the Yankees have won six straight and Steroids keeps hitting dingers. Blue Jays still holding strong, four straight and eight out of eleven, but still get absolutely no love. The closest thing is the fact that Roy Halladay now has a nickname, "Doc." Get it?

- Seriously's Los Angeles Clippers won the NBA lotto today and will receive the first pick in next year's draft. Seriously is not jumping for joy, however, as it's guaranteed that the Clippers will screw it up like they always do by selecting some unknown, 7-foot Romanian with a big Adam's apple. Book it.

Seriously Chapter 6: Beware of Flying Muscle Dudes, They're Not Homos!!!

2009-05-18T18:09:00.000-07:00

- Yesterday's NABBA 2009 Bodybuilding Championships in Belgium was canceled when officials announced there would be steroid testing and all 20 competitors ran out of the building.

***Sub Chapter Title: I Relate to the Hate***

Seriously is a serious Los Angeles Clippers fan of more than 2 decades (meaning I wake up in the morning with daggers in my chest) but my guy, yeah I said it, my guy Lamar Odom plays for the Lakers which allows Seriously to pull for the Los Angeles Lakers to win the NBA title under these present circumstances. It's admirably precise wording, that previous sentence, and I feel very clear about it in a defensive kind of way. But let me also say that I can seriously, fully relate to all that Laker hate. That great hate which, quite surprisingly on my end, emenates mostly from old fans of the 80's Showtime Lakers (The Sports Seriously franchise is L.A. based) Believe me, I know what it is to despise all the phony, Kobe Bryant horseshit. Hall of Fame/Black Mamba credentials aside, Kobe Bryant is more phony than Ryan talking about Farrah, for god sakes. But from a purely basketball point of view I would like to hear from anybody why the Lakers won't win the championship. I'm on the look-out as the Lakers made Lebron look like an old man with a big ass during the regular season and they beat the Denver Nuggets like they were drugged out Amsterdam whores which is an unnecessarily rude and demeaning image but so were those games. Seriously wants to hear some theories as to why they will be stopped or you can lay out your Laker hate and let me be the judge as to whether it's fair or not.

- My coronation of Rajon Rondo went awry yesterday as the Celtics totally ran out of gas and very much looked like a team missing Kevin Garnett and Leon Powe. So long, Celtics. I don't hate you anymore after watching what you did last year but I'm glad you lost.

- The Rockets ran out of gas, too, but only after Ron Artest tried out his Derek Fisher Jump Shot Technique for the last two games. What a total jackass as a basketball player and human being. The Rockets were better, incidentally, without Yao Ming. Yao Ming is just too goddamn big. Homey is 7-8 or some shit. He looked like a lumbering giant getting run into the ground. It made the foot injury that took him out of the series completely understandable.

- The Dodgers keep winning and it will be very be a very emotional time for everyone when Manny Ramirez comes back.

- I'm suspicious and want to know where Karl Rove was on Monday morning as Preakness winner, and my girl, Rachel Alexandra reported stomach pains and digestive problems after her morning walk at trainer Steve Asmussen's Louisville farm. I'm open to the chips falling where they may with regards to the winner of the Belmont Stakes but if someone's messing with my girl it's going to get real dark, real quick. I'll go "Taken" on they ass.

- Lamar Odom is too emotionally fragile to handle the disappointment of a Laker loss in the playoffs and they therefore HAVE to win the championship. It would be devestating for him and he can't numb himself by getting high and drinking anymore. So before you criticize Lamar, know the facts and what you're dealing with. It's not all about his 18 million dollar a year salary, yo, and that he's dating Taraji Henson which is a big deal unto itself because she's an actress. Most of you don't live in L.A. and don't understand what that's about, dating an actress. Most of you should just shut up.

Chapter 5: Seriously Missed the Boat

2009-05-16T17:55:00.000-07:00

I missed it, I did, and it was atrocious. It happened in my day before yesterday's Preakness blog post, the offense of not making note that the odds on favorite going into today's race was a philly, a gal by the name of Rachel Alexandra. Getting ALL wrapped up in covering the jockey and then a dame, the dame goes out wins it like the history that it is, holding off Derby-winner Mine the Bird and blowing an 85-year mother F-ing lid off the entire horse racing universe. Pity to your soul if you're not amongst the millions witnessing the Belmont Stakes coming up on June 6th which will serve as a settle-it-now, final showdown. The derby winner versus the gal with the ridiculous, killer kick down the stretch for all the marbles. The Belmont Stakes. Mark my words: Horse racing, whether you're ready for it or not, will soon be the most important thing in this country and I can guarantee it.

Seriously Chapter 4: What'll Happen to Baseball, Y'all?

2009-05-15T18:55:00.000-07:00

Several years ago I was looking through a large, red leather-bound coffee table book featuring 100 years of New York Times front pages and I remember thinking to myself - the same damn things that were going on back then are still going on now. People were worried about the middle east, politicians were crooked and taxes were definitely going up. Yeah, I was probably stoned at the time and, yeah, those of you who know Seriously might say "that's probably the last time you ever picked up a book," but let me get to my point. People thought baseball might never be the same after the Black Sox scandal of 1920, where 8 players were banned from the game for life, and I've got to think some are wondering if it's true with regards major league baseball today. Steroid abuse has always been rumored in baseball but wasn't really front and center until the firestorm surrounding Jose Canseco's claim that 80% of active MLB players were users in his (now vindicated) book "Juiced" in 2005. Then there was the sorry spectacle of the same year with sullen, red faced home run king, Mark McGwire, testifying-but-not-testifying in front of a congressional committee about his use/non-use. This was followed by Raphael Palmiero, he of near Hall-of-Fame credentials, wagging his finger in front of the committee saying he "never, ever, never" used performance enhancing drugs of any kind, only to see him gone from baseball for good two months later after he tested positive for steroids. This was before the death of Ken Caminiti and the 2007 era of that monstrous rectum, Barry Bonds. And now with The Saga of the Obvious that is Alex Rodriguez and Manny Ramirez, all I can focus on are the guys running around on the field and I try not to think about anything else. Until they figure out a way to get drugs out of the game or come up with true comprehensive testing, isn't baseball really just a bit of a fraud at this point? It seems the only other solution would be to go libertarian and say, screw it, what players do with their bodies is their business. But isn't the game a little more sacred than that? I'm a louse and far from a prude but wouldn't that be a slouch towards us as kind of a degenerate nation? Attendance is still high and there's billions being made so the baseball powers that be want nothing to do with anything even getting close to slowing the gravy train, even for a moment, even if it were better for the game in the long run. Invisible Bud Selig is more than happy to continue the facade that is MLB's cracking-down-but-not-cracking-down policy. Though I'm hopeful (the way the Black Sox scandal was overcome) what the hell is major league baseball right now besides a case of mold that's been nicely painted over?

Seriously Chapter 3: Don't Be Drinking My Blow

2009-05-15T10:10:00.000-07:00

Seriously:

- French tennis player Richard Gasquet recently tested positive for cocaine and has remained mum except to say, "I am gathering proof of my innocence." Meanwhile, his best friend on the tour, Marat Safin, quickly rushed to his defense. Safin said, "When you're at a table full of people having fun, it's absurd to have to watch what glass you're drinking from."

- First of all, when Seriously is at a table full of people having fun, I never notice when someone is dropping a mysterious powder into my drink. I'm too busy lovin', yo. And anyway, it's also safe to say I'll be drinking from any random glasses left on the table because I'm just good that way. Additionally, whenever I have blow to snort I always, right away, dump it into a large tumbler of Jameson's on the rocks.

- There's nothing funnier on the planet than Charles Barkley on "Inside the NBA" on TNT with Ernie Johnson and Kenny Smith.

- If the Lakers lose on Sunday it will be the most embarrassing loss in NBA playoff history.

- While I still keep waiting for the Celtics to lose, easily the best player in the playoffs right now is Rajon Rondo.

- There is absolutely nothing in boxing right now besides godly Manny Pacquaio.

- I hope Mark Sanchez tanks in New York. Jet fans, aside from John Maraffi, are totally nauseating.

- Calvin Borel rode 50-1 long shot, Mine that Bird, to victory in the Kentucky Derby and now has switched horses for Saturday's Preakness to the 8-5 favorite, Rachael Alexandra, running AGAINST Mine that Bird. If Rachael Alexandra wins it'll be the first in history for a jockey doing that which damn near borders on interesting, people.

- I know a guy who was at a bar, a few years ago, in Palm Springs where he met Jeanie Buss who is now Executive Vice-President of the Lakers and current girlfriend of Phil Jackson. Jeanie Buss, defining the term "good sport," got totally hammered and blew him under the table. I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin'.

Seriously Chapter 2: Puck U!

2009-05-14T17:34:00.000-07:00

Dateline: Los Angeles

***Hockey Fans***

Since we at this franchise know jack about hockey except when I happen to watch a game, which is rarely, Sports Seriously is privileged to have and respectfully defers to an actual, published, real Los Angeles Kings hockey blogger, Matthew Barry. You can see Matt regularly featured at hockeybuzz.com. With the Western Conference Semi-Finals between the Ducks and Red Wings going to Game 7 tonight, here's

***Matthew Barry's Hockey Report***

If the Pittsburgh/Washington game was any indication...

a) the better team won/the better team will win

b) the more experienced goaltender won/the more experienced goaltender will win

If the Red Wings watched the game today, you can be damned sure they were saying "the Ducks ain't coming into OUR crib and doing THAT". There's NO WAY the Red Wings lay a Washington like egg. They're just way too talented.

The Ducks gave it a good run - they did the unthinkable - smoked the Sharks and brought the Red Wings to a game 7 - they gave the Wings everything they had, but it won't be enough.

Datsyuk and Zetterberg and Hossa and Franzen and... my LORD they're stacked - they don't let down their fans and they walk away with a victory... of course, then they have to face the rested Chicago squad... but first thing is first.

It's just a question of how much of a beating will the Ducks take...

4-1 Wings

Then I can finally get back to what makes me happy.... whining and complaining about the Kings, and if Frolov is going to be traded, and the future of Jack Johnson, and which free agents will Lombardi sign, and are the Kings going to trade their draft pick, and the rumors I've heard, and if Lecavalier will don the crown?

Plus, I really don't want to spend another grand to drive to the Pond to watch the games... sheesh, we ARE still in a recession.

Matthew Barry - hockeybuzz.com

Seriously: Chapter 1

2009-05-14T09:25:00.000-07:00

Seriously:

- The Dodgers need to go away.

- A grotesque sight will be the return of Manny Ramirez.

- Sandy Koufax is turning over in his condo.

- Not that you would but you have to watch the footage of 50-1 shot, Mine That Bird, winning the Derby.

-You can't talk shit about a horse.

-That documentary, "Barbaro" on HBO is staggering and will make you cry.

- I keep waiting for the Celtics to lose.

- Is there a bigger d-bag in all of sports than Mark Cuban? Apparently he's hip and checkbook-hip to some worthy causes but I think I hate him even more than Washington Redskin's football. Way to go Nuggets for destroying his Mavericks.

-Red Sox fans were annoying as losers and are completely unbearable now that they win. And they can take their elite, institutional New England Patriots and stick them up their rears. Their teams and dreams belong in the wood chipper.

- Kareem Abdul Jabbar, the greatest scorer and arguably greatest player in NBA history is a basically anonymous consultant for the Lakers.

- Of Andrew Bynum, (whom he's working with,) Kareem said, re: The playoffs, "He's not exactly up to speed with where the team's at in terms of group consciousness." That's just cool, y'all.

Serious shock from "I Can't Believe There's Gambling at Rick's": USC gave O.J. Mayo money.

Seriously Excellent Unheralded Baseball Players:

*** Nyjer Morgan, Pittsburgh Pirates***

He out Willie McGee's Willie McGee with his skeeter swagger and high black socks. He's ninth in the league in hits batting lead-off, creates total havoc on the bases and he's got more RBI than Chipper Jones.

***The entire Blue Jays team***

How many more asses do they have to kick before they get love from ANYBODY? Cito Gaston is back and it's just like old times. They have the best record in baseball, an incredible line up and Roy Halladay is filthy.

Today's Prediction:

When Manny Ramirez comes back in July (pitiful and sorry) the Dodgers will still be in first place.