I feel for Dwight Howard. While he's a heckuva rebounder and defender, he knows more than anybody out there that he's no Superman. Hell, he's got no offensive game with his back to the basket and he's considered the best center in basketball? By the way, Seriously is not saying anything to you that I haven't said to Dwight in person already. I look forward to getting him on the phone to talk about those 8 missed free throws and the Magic's 19 turnovers as a team.
***Yes, Derek, We Know***
Derek Fisher elevates himself further into the pantheon with two nasty, filthy, digger-in-the-chest 3 point bombs after heaving bricks the entire game.
***Van Gundy - You Idiot***
Make sure you keep on keeping your second best scorer, Rafer Alston, on the bench so Jameer Nelson can keep pouring in the 3 points a game he's averaging.
Van Gundy is an idiot.
Yes, the Magic will win game 5 and then get blown out in L.A.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Seriously Chapter 25: The Ruinous Kobe Bryant
***Kobe's Cryin'***
Seriously just got off the phone with one of Kobe's people. We can usually get Kobe himself, even after a big loss, but apparently last night's loss is not landing well. Kobe is extremely anal when it comes to hitting his free throws which means his wife will be paying the price for last night's game.
***Yikes on Baseball***
Seriously was part of a conference call earlier today with the agent for MLB top pick, Stephen Strasburg, that being the notorious Scott Boras (who loves it when I call him "notorious.") Scott is a prick of the first order and was in un-rare form, firing on all cylinders, hyping the San Diego State flame thrower as "a different kind of cat," aka - Boras will be looking several times north of the 10 million he got for (cough) Mark Prior back in 2001. Rumor has him presenting a 50 million dollar package to the last-place Nationals as soon as next week. Re: his mega-package, he said, "If that does not happen you would look to all the available resources and then one would have to evaluate what the next step is. For Strasburg, that could mean playing independent ball or going to Japan while he waits for his name to re-enter the pool for next year's draft." God help us all.
***Tiger, Tiger***
Eldrick all low key and getting zero pub in winning Sunday's Memorial. This after looking like he wouldn't make the cut going into the second round and then coming back from four strokes down to win it at the end. Holy schmoly.
Seriously just got off the phone with one of Kobe's people. We can usually get Kobe himself, even after a big loss, but apparently last night's loss is not landing well. Kobe is extremely anal when it comes to hitting his free throws which means his wife will be paying the price for last night's game.
***Yikes on Baseball***
Seriously was part of a conference call earlier today with the agent for MLB top pick, Stephen Strasburg, that being the notorious Scott Boras (who loves it when I call him "notorious.") Scott is a prick of the first order and was in un-rare form, firing on all cylinders, hyping the San Diego State flame thrower as "a different kind of cat," aka - Boras will be looking several times north of the 10 million he got for (cough) Mark Prior back in 2001. Rumor has him presenting a 50 million dollar package to the last-place Nationals as soon as next week. Re: his mega-package, he said, "If that does not happen you would look to all the available resources and then one would have to evaluate what the next step is. For Strasburg, that could mean playing independent ball or going to Japan while he waits for his name to re-enter the pool for next year's draft." God help us all.
***Tiger, Tiger***
Eldrick all low key and getting zero pub in winning Sunday's Memorial. This after looking like he wouldn't make the cut going into the second round and then coming back from four strokes down to win it at the end. Holy schmoly.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Seriously Chapter 24: If It Makes You Happy, Why Are You So Sad?
Seriously is of the opinion that Sports Seriously fans in Orlando ought to be ashamed of themselves and might consider not utilizing this agency for their news. With your ALL CAPS and !!!!! Explanation points !!!!! Crying and puking about how Gasol should have been charged with goal tending after he, I guess, brushed the basket on little Boo-Boo, Courtney Lee's tight little rookie missed shot. This after your precious Superman had put his hand up through the basket, for all the world to see, on one of Gasol's earlier shots.
The Orlando Magic is a team that deserves to be put away much like the McCain campaign of `08.
***Thank The Good Lord Jesus For Lamar Odom***
Seriously said thank GOD for Lamar Odom a week ago and he only got better so I figured I'd go in a different direction with thank Jesus in a nod to all of the Lamar Haters of America who seem to have found this site all of a sudden. 207 e-mails and 8 faxes (who the heck faxes anymore?) and counting from this irrational, yet well-organized bunch, spearheaded up by two keepers of lost souls, Denver Rick and Joaquin. We want your eyeballs, too, fellas. Welcome aboard. I only ask that you obey the rules and be fact-based when submitting anything about Lamar.
To talk about how dominating and MVP-like Lamar Odom has been in this series would be akin to talking about the wetness of water and, in general, the topic of Finals basketball is best left alone as it's not worth discussing until the Orlando Magic win a game.
***Love, Sydney***
Tonight on NBC, 8:00pm, EST, we go bye-bye Penguins. It was Detroit in 6 before this series even started.
***Belmont Post Mortem***
Call it 2 minutes and 27 seconds of yelling, stomping, coronary insanity. "Summer Bird" winning as an 11-1 underdog was staggering, especially since it looked like his cousin, Derby winner, "Mine That Bird," had the race won. I spoke with victorious Kent Desormeaux after the race and he almost sounded like a seventh grade kid and jockeys never sound like that!
***Breeder's Cup Reality***
If they do the Breeder's Cup in November the way they should, having all three horses running, Rachel Alexandra, Mine That Bird and Summer Bird, than God help our tickers. A Breeder's Cup along those lines wouldn't just change horse racing, it would change the way we live our lives as Americans. Seriously and the entire Franchise are, of course, resolved to keep you updated on everything leading up to the race at California's Santa Anita racetrack. We'll have at least three correspondents there the entire week.
***Zenyatta Flash***
Could west-coast heavyweight, "Zenyatta," be waiting in the wings for the Breeder's Cup as the "forgotten best horse in the country?" The three-year-old's trainer, who would not allow him to endure the long travel of the Triple Crown events, says his horse has nothing to prove against "any horse in the world."
***Let's Go, Dodgers***
Let's lose a few games, shall we?
Stay tuned.
The Orlando Magic is a team that deserves to be put away much like the McCain campaign of `08.
***Thank The Good Lord Jesus For Lamar Odom***
Seriously said thank GOD for Lamar Odom a week ago and he only got better so I figured I'd go in a different direction with thank Jesus in a nod to all of the Lamar Haters of America who seem to have found this site all of a sudden. 207 e-mails and 8 faxes (who the heck faxes anymore?) and counting from this irrational, yet well-organized bunch, spearheaded up by two keepers of lost souls, Denver Rick and Joaquin. We want your eyeballs, too, fellas. Welcome aboard. I only ask that you obey the rules and be fact-based when submitting anything about Lamar.
To talk about how dominating and MVP-like Lamar Odom has been in this series would be akin to talking about the wetness of water and, in general, the topic of Finals basketball is best left alone as it's not worth discussing until the Orlando Magic win a game.
***Love, Sydney***
Tonight on NBC, 8:00pm, EST, we go bye-bye Penguins. It was Detroit in 6 before this series even started.
***Belmont Post Mortem***
Call it 2 minutes and 27 seconds of yelling, stomping, coronary insanity. "Summer Bird" winning as an 11-1 underdog was staggering, especially since it looked like his cousin, Derby winner, "Mine That Bird," had the race won. I spoke with victorious Kent Desormeaux after the race and he almost sounded like a seventh grade kid and jockeys never sound like that!
***Breeder's Cup Reality***
If they do the Breeder's Cup in November the way they should, having all three horses running, Rachel Alexandra, Mine That Bird and Summer Bird, than God help our tickers. A Breeder's Cup along those lines wouldn't just change horse racing, it would change the way we live our lives as Americans. Seriously and the entire Franchise are, of course, resolved to keep you updated on everything leading up to the race at California's Santa Anita racetrack. We'll have at least three correspondents there the entire week.
***Zenyatta Flash***
Could west-coast heavyweight, "Zenyatta," be waiting in the wings for the Breeder's Cup as the "forgotten best horse in the country?" The three-year-old's trainer, who would not allow him to endure the long travel of the Triple Crown events, says his horse has nothing to prove against "any horse in the world."
***Let's Go, Dodgers***
Let's lose a few games, shall we?
Stay tuned.
Friday, June 5, 2009
Seriously Chapter 23: Get Plaxico Onto The Field
Just because Plaxico Burress was in a New York night club last year with a gun, got in a fight and shot himself in the leg does not disqualify him as a "character guy." If you know Plax like I do, you know this to be true. I'm getting e-bombed by the hordes of you re: Plaxico shouldn't be back in the NFL. Rarely do I pop rank on the great people who follow this site (I know you take your sports seriously, so do I, and I literally kiss the ground and my own chest area for the support you give) but let me set the ship straight. Plaxico happens to be a professional athlete. That's the most important thing, first and foremost. Secondly, the incident in the night club only happened as a result of Plaxico's reaction to the established fact that one of his friends got totally disrespected by another man at the night club and you simply don't do that, especially to a professional athlete. And to top it all off, I've come to find out it was extremely late and everyone was really, really tired, especially Plax' himself who reported to me personally that, at the time of the incident, he was feeling "buggy." I just got off the phone with Burress' Attorney, Benjamin Brafman and he is working feverishly to negotiate a deal to allow Burress to play football in 2009 - either by reaching a plea deal with minimal jail time or by postponing a possible trial until AFTER the 2009 NFL season. I told Ben that his client risks suspension under the league's Personal Conduct Policy if there's any jail time of any kind. Ben is quite aware of how cruelly and arbitrarily the Conduct Policy is administered by Chairman Roger Goodell which leaves getting the trial delayed as his most preferred option. Seriously feels that Plaxico should have chucked his current strategy and taken the case to trial. We received inside information months ago that there are at least two witnesses prepared to testify that Plax' had informed almost everyone around him, including strangers, that he was feeling buggy and shouldn't be messed with, much less have one of his close friends disrespected in the manner he was. At minimum, Plax' deserves to get his trial delayed for almost a year. He's a professional athlete. And besides, I know if I discharged a weapon in a crowded night club, I'd be able to decide when my trial was going to be. Give me a break. And Roger Goodell - butt out.
***Finals Go Poof***
Reality came raining down on the Orlando Magic as the Lamar Odom-led, Los Angeles Lakers took a commanding one game lead in the 2009 NBA Finals with a 100-75 evisceration. Superman Dwight Howard was a mighty 1 for 6 shooting, further cementing his legacy, and he has guaranteed me personally that in Game 2's drubbing he will score at least 4 points. This series is well on it's way to becoming about as exciting as watching me pick my toes at night before I go to bed.
***Pittsburgh Up and Walking***
The NHL Finals are tied 2-2 in games after Pittsburgh's 2nd consecutive 4-2 win over the Red Wings and Sydney scored a goal!
***French Open Finals Set***
Federer vs. Soderling on Sunday for the Men's
Safina vs. Kuznetsova on Saturday for the Women's
Not to objectify women in the least but Kuznetsova almost borders on good looking but not really and neither gal is easy on the eyes much. Seriously almost never issues a skip order on a sporting event (a total of three in 30 years) but this is close.
Stay tuned.
***Finals Go Poof***
Reality came raining down on the Orlando Magic as the Lamar Odom-led, Los Angeles Lakers took a commanding one game lead in the 2009 NBA Finals with a 100-75 evisceration. Superman Dwight Howard was a mighty 1 for 6 shooting, further cementing his legacy, and he has guaranteed me personally that in Game 2's drubbing he will score at least 4 points. This series is well on it's way to becoming about as exciting as watching me pick my toes at night before I go to bed.
***Pittsburgh Up and Walking***
The NHL Finals are tied 2-2 in games after Pittsburgh's 2nd consecutive 4-2 win over the Red Wings and Sydney scored a goal!
***French Open Finals Set***
Federer vs. Soderling on Sunday for the Men's
Safina vs. Kuznetsova on Saturday for the Women's
Not to objectify women in the least but Kuznetsova almost borders on good looking but not really and neither gal is easy on the eyes much. Seriously almost never issues a skip order on a sporting event (a total of three in 30 years) but this is close.
Stay tuned.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Seriously Chapter 22: A Not-So-Eerie Calm
Laker Land is in total lock down, save for Phil, who was the picture of relaxation and competence at today's presser. This on the eve of tomorrow's first game of the NBA Championship series pitting the Los Angeles Lakers versus the Orlando Magic. After reiterating what they were looking to accomplish in the first game and reflecting on the return of the 2 - 3 - 2 format, Phil mused that he's "open to suggestions" when a reporter asked if he pays heed to tips that come in from every day fans, what with the all-encompassing internet and what not. It was a display of wit and guile from a man who literally has only just begun to shave his moustache recently.
Lakers in six or quicker if Lamar just do what Lamar do.
***Tom Glavine Released By The Braves***
Today's release wasn't a case akin to Jim Palmer, who got bombed into retirement, Tommy simply became less active until the Braves finally just stopped using him anymore. Yes, there's some inherent sadness in that but there's also an element of divine grace. And by god, that's Tom Glavine for you - divine grace. Seriously just now got off the phone with Tommy and while most of the conversation was private in nature, (having known and covered Tommy since the glory days of Maddux, Glavine, Smoltz and Avery,) Tommy told me, ever the pitcher, that he's "letting go of that low outside corner so some other guys can hit it." Then we both cried.
Tom Glavine - a first ballot Hall of Famer, a helluva golfer, a mensch and a man amongst men.
Lakers in six or quicker if Lamar just do what Lamar do.
***Tom Glavine Released By The Braves***
Today's release wasn't a case akin to Jim Palmer, who got bombed into retirement, Tommy simply became less active until the Braves finally just stopped using him anymore. Yes, there's some inherent sadness in that but there's also an element of divine grace. And by god, that's Tom Glavine for you - divine grace. Seriously just now got off the phone with Tommy and while most of the conversation was private in nature, (having known and covered Tommy since the glory days of Maddux, Glavine, Smoltz and Avery,) Tommy told me, ever the pitcher, that he's "letting go of that low outside corner so some other guys can hit it." Then we both cried.
Tom Glavine - a first ballot Hall of Famer, a helluva golfer, a mensch and a man amongst men.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Seriously Chapter 21: Phil, You Can't Let This Fat Slob Beat You
Sports Seriously almost has all of our NBA Finals correspondents in place, two in each city, including special guest, Moses Malone, who will be on this site throughout.
***Twilight***
So here we are, nearly on the eve of what will likely be the most dynamic, dramatic NBA Finals match-up in the history of the sport. With a potential for drama far exceeding any of the classic Laker-Celtic showdowns of the past. The spectre of Kobe Bryant versus Dwight Howard looks to dwarf Magic Johnson versus Larry Bird. Judging by the e-mail bombs we're getting, there's white hot intense heat down on the street for this bad boy of a series. The L.A. Times just did an article on Trevor Ariza. Have you seen Dwight Howard with his cape?
Meanwhile, things are so locked down in Laker Land, even Seriously cannot reach Phil Jackson whom Seriously has known for years. My message to him, when I finally get through (and I always do,) will be simple. Orlando's little fat slob of a coach cannot be permitted to beat you, Phil. Now, Phil has a masterful sense of humor but you usually have to let him initiate it. (Honestly, most of my conversations with Phil have been about music.) But he'll know what I'm getting at with my comment about the Orlando coach. And don't worry, I'll let you all know what Phil says. Frankly, I don't think anybody in the media is saying anything about how Stan Van Gundy is a little fat guy with a mustache. It's something this reporter is not going to let go of.
Get ready for the 2009 NBA Championship Series beginning this Thursday evening, 9:00pm EST on ABC. Looks like it's gonna be another ball burner.
***French Open Blood Letting***
Tomorrow, Sandro di Parma will fill you in on some of the carnage at Roland Garros as heads are starting to roll.
***Pittsburgh Lives***
If only that were true of Sports Seriously's NHL Finals Coverage. Detroit in 6.
Stay tuned.
***Twilight***
So here we are, nearly on the eve of what will likely be the most dynamic, dramatic NBA Finals match-up in the history of the sport. With a potential for drama far exceeding any of the classic Laker-Celtic showdowns of the past. The spectre of Kobe Bryant versus Dwight Howard looks to dwarf Magic Johnson versus Larry Bird. Judging by the e-mail bombs we're getting, there's white hot intense heat down on the street for this bad boy of a series. The L.A. Times just did an article on Trevor Ariza. Have you seen Dwight Howard with his cape?
Meanwhile, things are so locked down in Laker Land, even Seriously cannot reach Phil Jackson whom Seriously has known for years. My message to him, when I finally get through (and I always do,) will be simple. Orlando's little fat slob of a coach cannot be permitted to beat you, Phil. Now, Phil has a masterful sense of humor but you usually have to let him initiate it. (Honestly, most of my conversations with Phil have been about music.) But he'll know what I'm getting at with my comment about the Orlando coach. And don't worry, I'll let you all know what Phil says. Frankly, I don't think anybody in the media is saying anything about how Stan Van Gundy is a little fat guy with a mustache. It's something this reporter is not going to let go of.
Get ready for the 2009 NBA Championship Series beginning this Thursday evening, 9:00pm EST on ABC. Looks like it's gonna be another ball burner.
***French Open Blood Letting***
Tomorrow, Sandro di Parma will fill you in on some of the carnage at Roland Garros as heads are starting to roll.
***Pittsburgh Lives***
If only that were true of Sports Seriously's NHL Finals Coverage. Detroit in 6.
Stay tuned.
Monday, June 1, 2009
Seriously Chapter 20: Falling on The Grenade That Has Been Our French Open Coverage
Our renowned tennis correspondent, Sandro di Parma, is an Italian in Paris which apparently says it all, I wouldn't know, I'm too concerned with getting information out to a lot of people who want to know stuff so I find myself a tad angered by this correspondent who's first report comes on the eve of the French Open quarter finals. But
***Unlike `Bron `Bron, I Can Face You All***
Sports Seriously, our staff, but most importantly Seriously himself, have or has or will be delinquent in our French Open coverage and it's entirely unacceptable as a news agency of note. But let's press on and thank Sandro di Parma for putting the wine sack down for a second and filing this report. Staff informs that many of you out there have been reading Sandro di Parma on tennis for years. Well, that's good. I just hope he goes to all the matches he's supposed to.
Live from the 2009 French Open
Sandro di Parma files this:
Was late for the Federer/Haas match today. I blame Mirka. Yet again, she gave me the wrong start time. I don't think she likes it when I'm at Roger's matches because all I ever do these days is make suggestions on how Roger can improve his play. She used to not mind, but ever since she's become big as a house, it seems her patience level has decreased. If Rog makes it to the finals, I'm betting Mirka will have to buy 2 seats by then.
In any event, R-Fed somehow put together one of the more improbable come backs today, winning in 5 sets after being down 2 sets to love and 5 points from elimination. If one wants to learn about how to play beautiful tennis, watch sets 3, 4 and 5. Other than perhaps Andy Murray, Federer's path to his 14th Grand Slam is now wide open, since Rafa, the Spanish toro in a china shop, lost to Robin Soderling. I couldn't even be bothered to watch that match. If I'm going to subject myself to all that snorting, grunting, awkward herky jerky movements and bodily fluids, I'd at least like get something out of it, too. I'd rather watch some porn. Like a Sharapova match.
Next up for Federer - the winner of Roddick/Monfils. I do love to watch Roger play Andy, but since it's the French Open, I'd like to see homeboy Gaël in there. The crowd's loyalties will be torn. But then again, with the frogs, what would one expect? I've got to run over to Court Suzanne Lenglen now to watch Jelena Jankovic put an ass whupping on Sorana Cirstea.
***Unlike `Bron `Bron, I Can Face You All***
Sports Seriously, our staff, but most importantly Seriously himself, have or has or will be delinquent in our French Open coverage and it's entirely unacceptable as a news agency of note. But let's press on and thank Sandro di Parma for putting the wine sack down for a second and filing this report. Staff informs that many of you out there have been reading Sandro di Parma on tennis for years. Well, that's good. I just hope he goes to all the matches he's supposed to.
Live from the 2009 French Open
Sandro di Parma files this:
Was late for the Federer/Haas match today. I blame Mirka. Yet again, she gave me the wrong start time. I don't think she likes it when I'm at Roger's matches because all I ever do these days is make suggestions on how Roger can improve his play. She used to not mind, but ever since she's become big as a house, it seems her patience level has decreased. If Rog makes it to the finals, I'm betting Mirka will have to buy 2 seats by then.
In any event, R-Fed somehow put together one of the more improbable come backs today, winning in 5 sets after being down 2 sets to love and 5 points from elimination. If one wants to learn about how to play beautiful tennis, watch sets 3, 4 and 5. Other than perhaps Andy Murray, Federer's path to his 14th Grand Slam is now wide open, since Rafa, the Spanish toro in a china shop, lost to Robin Soderling. I couldn't even be bothered to watch that match. If I'm going to subject myself to all that snorting, grunting, awkward herky jerky movements and bodily fluids, I'd at least like get something out of it, too. I'd rather watch some porn. Like a Sharapova match.
Next up for Federer - the winner of Roddick/Monfils. I do love to watch Roger play Andy, but since it's the French Open, I'd like to see homeboy Gaël in there. The crowd's loyalties will be torn. But then again, with the frogs, what would one expect? I've got to run over to Court Suzanne Lenglen now to watch Jelena Jankovic put an ass whupping on Sorana Cirstea.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)