When it comes to the sports detective/news game, I lived, I've loved, I laughed and I've lost. I've sat with the good, the great and the not-so-great. I've run a successful business, written a few things and my professional reputation is gold-plated. But I've also lied my way across half the globe. If I had a dollar for every lie I told one of my ex-wives, while sitting in some crummy hotel lobby, I'd have either "Sir" or "Lord" in front of my name. I've fallen asleep in my own front yard, only to wake up with a restraining order stuffed in my trousers. I've let people down in my life so bad - when my son was born, the doctor slapped him and he didn't cry, he just looked at me and shook his head. If only these were jokes, people, this is real. See how therapy can unburden you? I suggest you try it, especially if you drink like a parched Pelican, like I used to. I used to drink so much, my friends didn't say "Hey, let's go to Seriously's." They'd say "Hey, let's go to Jameson's." But you guys, you wonderful people, you know these things about me, I'm repeating myself. I apologize, it's just that I've come so far.
My point is this;
One thing I've learned in life is that you have to take a stand every now and then, even if it's unpopular. That's why I'm here to announce that I am personally stepping to the plate tonight on behalf of an American League umpire. That's right, an umpire and an American League one at that. Specifically, I'm referring to a large, odious, hog of a man named Joe West; who those of us in the biz call, "Country." Yes, umpires are almost always stereotypically displeasing people and I'm all for ragging them. Aside from my good friend, C.B. Buckner. That brother's like a brother to me. Ragging umpires is an important part of the game of baseball, it's as American as Mt. Rushmore. But I'll be damned if Country Joe West wasn't simply doing his job in publicly calling out the pretentious Yankees and nauseating Red Sox for stretching their games out to almost 4 hours each. He rightfully called their multi-hour taffy pulls "an embarrassment." It's about time more people said it and the Red Sox players and Yankee players can all go straight to hell; particularly that dickless little pip squeak, Dustin Pedroia who called Country's comments in The Bergen County Record "way out of line." Yeah, Seriously despises the American League but really, watching Andy Petitte stare into home plate with his glove up against his face for 45 seconds to a minute on every frickin', goddamn pitch is enough to make me throw up into my own mouth. Hey, Andy, it's the second inning in the third game of the season.
The average major league game runs 2 hours and 55 minutes. The average running time for Red Sox-Yankee games in this first week of the season was 3 hours and 40 minutes. And don't give me malarky about commercials. How many Red Sox and Yankee Human Rain Delays does it take to screw in a light bulb? Maybe I'll give you the answer around the 50th time one of these players steps out of the batter's box on every single pitch. Forgive me, Red Sox and Yankees, if I don't forego giving my sick toddler his medicine so that I might spend four hours of my life getting steeped in your tradition. I'd rather lose than acquire your respective levels of self importance. Oh, how I can hear my New York/Boston axis right now. "Spoken like a true loser," they're saying, which flashes me back to my Ohio roots - as in my teams losing all the time, that is. While they may have a point, Ohio people do always lose, all Yankees-Red Sox game are not the World Series. We know that every single move in baseball has strategic implications but you guys are ridiculous and I'm glad Country went public with it, even if he's considered wrong in doing so. And why don't you quit worrying out-loud about the impartiality of Country Joe West, Manager Terry Francona; you ugly, whiny, knock-kneed bean pole. Country Joe will stay fair and unbiased, just as he has for decades. Me, not so much. I can't stand you American League people.
Just so Seriously doesn't leave on such a dour note, thank God for baseball and thank God for Joey Votto.