Monday, March 8, 2010

Seriously Chapter 76: Sights & Smells; Vin Scully Is Exempt

The sweet din of baseball has returned once again, like an old family friend, your most favorite pair of comfortable shoes; or any of that other horse shit writers always write when talking about an upcoming major league baseball season.

Welcome to My World, Friends

Where good people with good intentions do every scribe/journalist in the business a horrible disservice by WAY over-writing the majesty of spring baseball.

Window Into the Sports News Business - You're Behind the Scenes Right Now

Seriously is currently surrounded, via conference call, by three sports media jackasses who shall remain mostly nameless. One is my guy at ESPN, another is the executive producer of a very serious NBC Sports program (and sadly a gambler), and the third is a nearly-retarded individual who runs the sports desk at the L.A. Shrunken Times. Even though a couple of these guys probably make more money than I do, they know Seriously's doing the talking right now. Listen in as he discusses what most sports writers invariably do in the run-up to opening day.


... Let me live my own Field of Dreams, writer
man. I can paint the picture on my own, just
fine. The saccharine angle has been done to
death and in words for more beautiful and
brilliant than anything you could ever come
up with, so spare me the sepia tone and just
tell me about the game, what's on the field,
what's going on in the clubhouse. ...

Some grumble, mumble from a couple of the gathered idiots.


... Forgive me if I don't necessarily care about
your relationship with your dad, and how you
used to go to Brewers' games together, and
have hot dogs and now he's on a breathing tube.
Hell, my old man was on a breathing tube
when he was dying, but he also had his foot so
far up my ass that it was tapping on my chin.
I hated my dad's guts. He kicked my ass and
smacked the crap out of my sister. Does that
make sense to any of you sons of

None of the other three says a thing, just the sound of sips from their respective cocktails.


Yeah, you all drink and I don't, and I know
you want to taunt me and make fun of me.
But all kidding aside; I'm reaching through
the b.s. and calling you to the carpet right
now, boys, so let me get this out before you
guys go in. You, the work you do personally,
and all the baseball writers you boss around
(trust me, I've bossed a few writers around).
The message to your respective people has
simply got to be, "Quit trying to evoke the
`The Boys of Summer' and get the goddamn
stories out." We got rosters full of guys, most
of them have to go, and there's a whole flippin',
frickin' season to cover. Hey, you don't think
I'm emotional or feel moved about the
prospect of baseball? Baseball season starting
once again is like me having my meds just
right. I feel a beautiful, golden hum to depth
of my soul. Seriously's a beaten down hack of
a sports reporter (half my life spent as a
drunk and a lounge lizard) but with baseball
in season, I can survive anything. But that's
not my point. I'm Joe Q. Public, just get me
the information.

A few other choice insults get passed back and forth and it's agreed upon by all four that Seriously has a valid point regarding spring training coverage. Then a few bromides of agreement are tossed, "Less syrup, more steak," and what-not, followed by a few "I'll bring it up in my staff meetings'," etc.

End of Conference Call

There you have it. I get in conversations about crap like this all the time because I care and I know you care.

An Interview With The Cuban

There's a 30 million-dollar rookie pitcher for the Cincinnati Reds named Aroldis Chapman and he throws 100 MPH. I've just spoken with manager Dusty Baker and I hope to be announcing a sit down with this Cuban baseball Jesus (who is blowing the lid off the Cactus League) in the next couple days. I'll keep you posted and let you know if Seriously will be flying to Arizona. The kid's minder is Tony Fossas, my old Cubano hermano, so I know we're going to get this done.

Stay tuned.


  1. Seriously hits his stride; that's what the start of baseball means to me. If any sport should make reports wax poetic, it's baseball. I can't wait to hear more about the Reds' new pitcher. I NEED a good season for the Reds. I seriously do.

  2. Amen. Seriously falls into the need category as well. The wheels are turning, vis a vie, getting The Cuban Kid and I'll be letting you know. My ma is already laying heavy money on these Reds. Great odds aside, it's her version of hope springing eternal. On a personal note, Seriously can't wait to hear Cowboy call his first Louisiana Breakdown of the season. You know what that is, don't you, Eagle? It happens in slo-mo on a called third strike. "The Louisiana Breakdown is a pitch that starts in Memphis, and it ends up in New Orleeeeeans."