Saturday, December 5, 2009

Seriously Chapter 62: "Now It's Going Too Far"

Tiger's People Respond

One advantage of living in Quake Town is that while you're choking to death personally, you do get a lot of stories first sometimes. New York blows, people. It's for dirty suckers and people who like to be shut in.
Just heard from Team Woods over in Century City. But before I drop that juice, side note for all you out-of-towners (you know you're my life blood and I love you):
Century City is where Los Angeles' lawyers gather from the ground up on two scrubbed boulevards, running parallel to each other, called Century Park East and Century Park West. Walking into Century City and saying "Is there a lawyer around?" is like walking into Mehmet's Warehouse of Rugs and asking, "You have a rug here you can sell me?" I'm talking six mother f-ing, 40-story, glass and steel monuments to private counsel. Esteemed American private counsel or what the great Al Sharpton refers to as "an intregal part of our system of justice and jewish prudence." Dewey, my guy over at team Team Woods (though he hasn't been acting much like my guy recently, what with the non-returning of my phone calls,) Dewey says re: the fourth broad that's just come out of the Woods-work, "This has officially become a premiere case of piling on. These girls can't shut their mouths about a damn thing and our guy can't even stub out a cigarette without everyone on earth knowing it's whereabouts. It's your classic rectal exam." "On who's part?" I asked. Dewey says to me, "What the f, Seriously? Are you making a crude joke on my dime and at this time? You got 23 years in this business. Should I end this conversation?" "Hey, Dewey, lighten the load when you're talking to me, Chief. Maybe talk to your #1 about how he treats the media. Tiger hasn't exactly tossed us bouquets of bonmots over the years or even many bromides, for that matter. Your guy's cold as a Seattle fish for the last decade, making our job a veritable Madam-Lena-the-Palmist guessing game, and now this pain in the ass wants to whimper about privacy when we're onto something even bigger than Tiger Woods, no thanks to him?" I don't even know what I'm saying right now and I'm writing this. Dewey says, "We're attacking, head on, all these false and pernicious lies about Tiger Woods just as soon as College Bowl season is over at the beginning of next year. Tiger's not an NFL guy." See, folks, when your client has that much money, he can even approach personal tragedies in a leisurely way.

Bottom Line and Where On Where it Stands as Far As Team Woods

So no big moves on Tiger's part until next year and they'll do everything possible to engender sympathy until then, no matter how many broads keep rearing their ugly heads. They want Elin out in public with Tiger and the kid, home girl's gotten the pre-nup amended to the tune of 80-mill-her-way with a downsized minimum of only three years, her having to stay. Did Tiger pay for a good lawyer for her, or what? So that's the tactic right now for Team Woods.

But on the Purely Human Side

I, myself, have been divorced three times and have had more cruel venom thrown my way than a snake handler. So I can comfortably put a human face on exactly how Eldrick "Tiger" Woods is feeling right now. When the weight of the world is on your shoulders and you're laying your head on that pillow at night going, "Ah, crap." This incredible Tiger Woods story jumps all over the place. It's just like real life.

Until then...


  1. Not to change the subject, Seriously, but Colt McCoy versus Tony Pike? Better give the Heisman to Ingram 'cuz if it goes to Colt McCoy (best TX college football name ever, by the way), we objective type fans will be storming the barricades, or whatever sits around the Heisman voters.

  2. Had Tony Pike not been injured he would, at minimum, have been sent to the ceremony. And I guess you can't award the Heisman for one game but Mardy Gilyard made more brilliant plays in yesterday's miracle than there's beans at a burrito factory. (Yeah, Seriously's bad jokes and writing do extend to comments.) I believe Ingram takes the hardware based on his electricity yesterday combined with the falterings of weepy Teabow and Six Gun (you're so right about his name.) I'll be at the ceremony in New York next week and will let you know the what it's like on the ground. Until then, thanks as always for the support.