Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Seriously Chapter 63: Cincinnati is About to Explode

"Don't You Do It, Coach Kelly"

I work in the stupid, sorry-ass, hack-filled world of sports journalism and believe me when I tell you that there's only one other field that contains more functioning, drunken idiots.

Sidebar Regarding Sports Reporters:

The sports game, as grim and grotesque as it is, should actually be a workplace model for the entire country because we've got more special needs retards competing on equal footing with everybody, more than anywhere else in society. Sorry to be so crass, Mom, but the coin of Seriously's realm happens to be the truth. The EEOC should be celebrating our industry.

But Back to My Point, What Brought Us Here

The only other profession that has more drunken idiots in it is the field of law enforcement (at least out here in Quake Town, that is, which is where Seriously and the Sports Seriously franchise has it's offices and is based.) When you're partying with an L.A. cop, the only thing you're not sure of is whether he'll be wearing women's or men's underwear around his neck when he's plastered and dancing on the pool table. These mother f-er's are completely flippin' crazy. But what they're not are liars, at least not to this sports gumshoe of record. Check it out. Word on the streets here in L.A. is that the city of Cincinnati, Ohio could possibly erupt into actual violence and civil unrest if beloved Coach Brian Kelly leaves the 3rd ranked Bearcats for the job at Notre Dame. And if Coach takes the job BEFORE this year's Sugar Bowl match versus Florida, there's a scenario where officials see the city as possibly being burnt to the ground. LAPD was been put on notice as of yesterday and one of my old SWAT buddies, Raphael, is going there as part of a special detachment of 45 that's being lent to city. I shite you not. This is real.

My Sisters Are Crying

With Cincinnati being my hometown, my two sisters, who can't stand my guts, they're weeping on the phone to me like I'm the Commissioner of College Football and I can stop the whole damn thing. "It's a free market, Lottie!! (my sister's name) You think Coach Kelly is returning my phone calls? I haven't been able to reach the guy since he was 7 and 0!!!" My other sister, Patrice, was bawling so pitifully it was like a Romanian fat lady about to lose her first born son to the dictator, Ceausescu. She developed an Eastern European accent right there on the phone as she talked to me, slobbering and weeping. "Patty, you're a lawyer, you don't care about anything!!! It's a football coach, for god sakes!!!" She screamed, "No, no, theese my ALMA MATER!! I geef dem money. I geef dem money even vhen they are 4 and 7 and losing to zee Akron Zips!! (Does the Romanian accent come across in this translation? I swear, it was freaking me out.)

At Least Let me Do This For You People in Southeastern Ohio

Notre Dame, as of today, lost Heisman candidate, Jimmy Clausen, and star receiver, Golden Tate, to the NFL. They're left with one freshman quarterback and a sack full of question marks all over the field coming off a 6-6 season. Cincinnati on the other hand, after winning the Big East and darn near the national championship this year, will field a top-ranked team of Sophomore stars on offense and defense and will led by a running, gunning Touchdown Jesus quarterback named Zach Collaros who was 4-0 this year stepping in for injured legend, Tony Pike, exhibiting toughness and poise worthy of one Marion Morrison aka John Wayne and it was the kid's freshman year. Assuming the University of Cincinnati matches Notre Dame's salary offer (THEIR OFFICES deserve to be fire bombed if they don't) then which, pray tell, is the better program? Hopefully none of that Catholic horse shit comes into play. God o'mighty, while I consider myself a (flawed) man of deep faith, I sure do hate me some organized damn religion.

And Speaking of Faith

I pray for the Queen City and all of it's citizens who may end up heartbroken and displaced should Coach Kelly decide to take leave of his senses and depart. And yet I'm reminded of what Jesus wrote. He said, "I even pray for thee who boweth at the altar of the Golden Dome." But ultimately, in the end, should that worst-case-scenario occur, I only hope cooler heads might somehow prevail and there won't be any destruction of property or loss of life.

Have you thought of these things, Coach Kelly?

1 comment:

  1. Plus there's no Skyline or Graeters in South Bend. I've been to South Bend--there's not much there at all. Have you thought of that, Coach Kelly? (Actually, I wish he'd just announce if he's planning to leave. The suspense is worse than anything.)