Seriously Chapter 61: Tiger Update & Let's Get it All on the Table, Brian Kelly

Seriously Breaks Through

My questionable friend, Chris, over at the Los Angeles Times (he's on the Tiger Woods hustle for those bloated idiots downtown,) he says to me of gum-shoeing this story, "Tiger Woods has more Jews working for him than Bibi frickin' Netanyahu." And then Seriously retorts, "Check it out. The story's locked down tighter than Tom Thumb's asshole right now but this mamma jammah is only just getting started." And then the L.A. Times guy says, "Yeah, really. And Mister Woods, you might want to leave open the check book." Forgive the glee but, truth be told, Eldrick has a little bit of a history of being rude to journalists and is now considered by those of us in the infidelity business as a jackass to have left recorded messages or texts of any kind. Forget a schlub like me who's just out chasing stories, no skanky party chick would ever save a message or text from the most famous athlete in the history of the world. No way! That's not how you fool around on your wife. Take it from me, I've fooled around on three. I can be a drunken, disgusting louse when I'm not on the job, truly and it's liberating to be able to admit that in public and to all of you who have blessed me with your continued sports patronage.

But I did finally get my guy over at Team Woods on the phone today and he told me that Tiger's wife, Elin, was swinging a 3-iron during the incident last week. Apparently she wanted a 2 at first, but even the wife of Tiger Woods can't hit a 2-iron.

Cincinnati Bearcat's Coach, Brian Kelly, Has Told Notre Dame to Kiss His Wide, Rippling Ass

Never did he think he'd engage in such discourse with representatives of a religious institution, but that's apparently how it went when they offered him the coaching job, only two hours after firing Charlie Weis. But that will be a story, slash, set-of-fireworks, for another day. I don't want to cause Coach Kelly any publicity grief during the season. Hell, he's gonna be playing for a national championship in a few weeks.

Stay tuned.