Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Seriously Chapter 63: Cincinnati is About to Explode

"Don't You Do It, Coach Kelly"

I work in the stupid, sorry-ass, hack-filled world of sports journalism and believe me when I tell you that there's only one other field that contains more functioning, drunken idiots.

Sidebar Regarding Sports Reporters:

The sports game, as grim and grotesque as it is, should actually be a workplace model for the entire country because we've got more special needs retards competing on equal footing with everybody, more than anywhere else in society. Sorry to be so crass, Mom, but the coin of Seriously's realm happens to be the truth. The EEOC should be celebrating our industry.

But Back to My Point, What Brought Us Here

The only other profession that has more drunken idiots in it is the field of law enforcement (at least out here in Quake Town, that is, which is where Seriously and the Sports Seriously franchise has it's offices and is based.) When you're partying with an L.A. cop, the only thing you're not sure of is whether he'll be wearing women's or men's underwear around his neck when he's plastered and dancing on the pool table. These mother f-er's are completely flippin' crazy. But what they're not are liars, at least not to this sports gumshoe of record. Check it out. Word on the streets here in L.A. is that the city of Cincinnati, Ohio could possibly erupt into actual violence and civil unrest if beloved Coach Brian Kelly leaves the 3rd ranked Bearcats for the job at Notre Dame. And if Coach takes the job BEFORE this year's Sugar Bowl match versus Florida, there's a scenario where officials see the city as possibly being burnt to the ground. LAPD was been put on notice as of yesterday and one of my old SWAT buddies, Raphael, is going there as part of a special detachment of 45 that's being lent to city. I shite you not. This is real.

My Sisters Are Crying

With Cincinnati being my hometown, my two sisters, who can't stand my guts, they're weeping on the phone to me like I'm the Commissioner of College Football and I can stop the whole damn thing. "It's a free market, Lottie!! (my sister's name) You think Coach Kelly is returning my phone calls? I haven't been able to reach the guy since he was 7 and 0!!!" My other sister, Patrice, was bawling so pitifully it was like a Romanian fat lady about to lose her first born son to the dictator, Ceausescu. She developed an Eastern European accent right there on the phone as she talked to me, slobbering and weeping. "Patty, you're a lawyer, you don't care about anything!!! It's a football coach, for god sakes!!!" She screamed, "No, no, theese my ALMA MATER!! I geef dem money. I geef dem money even vhen they are 4 and 7 and losing to zee Akron Zips!! (Does the Romanian accent come across in this translation? I swear, it was freaking me out.)

At Least Let me Do This For You People in Southeastern Ohio

Notre Dame, as of today, lost Heisman candidate, Jimmy Clausen, and star receiver, Golden Tate, to the NFL. They're left with one freshman quarterback and a sack full of question marks all over the field coming off a 6-6 season. Cincinnati on the other hand, after winning the Big East and darn near the national championship this year, will field a top-ranked team of Sophomore stars on offense and defense and will led by a running, gunning Touchdown Jesus quarterback named Zach Collaros who was 4-0 this year stepping in for injured legend, Tony Pike, exhibiting toughness and poise worthy of one Marion Morrison aka John Wayne and it was the kid's freshman year. Assuming the University of Cincinnati matches Notre Dame's salary offer (THEIR OFFICES deserve to be fire bombed if they don't) then which, pray tell, is the better program? Hopefully none of that Catholic horse shit comes into play. God o'mighty, while I consider myself a (flawed) man of deep faith, I sure do hate me some organized damn religion.

And Speaking of Faith

I pray for the Queen City and all of it's citizens who may end up heartbroken and displaced should Coach Kelly decide to take leave of his senses and depart. And yet I'm reminded of what Jesus wrote. He said, "I even pray for thee who boweth at the altar of the Golden Dome." But ultimately, in the end, should that worst-case-scenario occur, I only hope cooler heads might somehow prevail and there won't be any destruction of property or loss of life.

Have you thought of these things, Coach Kelly?

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Seriously Chapter 62: "Now It's Going Too Far"

Tiger's People Respond

One advantage of living in Quake Town is that while you're choking to death personally, you do get a lot of stories first sometimes. New York blows, people. It's for dirty suckers and people who like to be shut in.
Just heard from Team Woods over in Century City. But before I drop that juice, side note for all you out-of-towners (you know you're my life blood and I love you):
Century City is where Los Angeles' lawyers gather from the ground up on two scrubbed boulevards, running parallel to each other, called Century Park East and Century Park West. Walking into Century City and saying "Is there a lawyer around?" is like walking into Mehmet's Warehouse of Rugs and asking, "You have a rug here you can sell me?" I'm talking six mother f-ing, 40-story, glass and steel monuments to private counsel. Esteemed American private counsel or what the great Al Sharpton refers to as "an intregal part of our system of justice and jewish prudence." Dewey, my guy over at team Team Woods (though he hasn't been acting much like my guy recently, what with the non-returning of my phone calls,) Dewey says re: the fourth broad that's just come out of the Woods-work, "This has officially become a premiere case of piling on. These girls can't shut their mouths about a damn thing and our guy can't even stub out a cigarette without everyone on earth knowing it's whereabouts. It's your classic rectal exam." "On who's part?" I asked. Dewey says to me, "What the f, Seriously? Are you making a crude joke on my dime and at this time? You got 23 years in this business. Should I end this conversation?" "Hey, Dewey, lighten the load when you're talking to me, Chief. Maybe talk to your #1 about how he treats the media. Tiger hasn't exactly tossed us bouquets of bonmots over the years or even many bromides, for that matter. Your guy's cold as a Seattle fish for the last decade, making our job a veritable Madam-Lena-the-Palmist guessing game, and now this pain in the ass wants to whimper about privacy when we're onto something even bigger than Tiger Woods, no thanks to him?" I don't even know what I'm saying right now and I'm writing this. Dewey says, "We're attacking, head on, all these false and pernicious lies about Tiger Woods just as soon as College Bowl season is over at the beginning of next year. Tiger's not an NFL guy." See, folks, when your client has that much money, he can even approach personal tragedies in a leisurely way.

Bottom Line and Where On Where it Stands as Far As Team Woods

So no big moves on Tiger's part until next year and they'll do everything possible to engender sympathy until then, no matter how many broads keep rearing their ugly heads. They want Elin out in public with Tiger and the kid, home girl's gotten the pre-nup amended to the tune of 80-mill-her-way with a downsized minimum of only three years, her having to stay. Did Tiger pay for a good lawyer for her, or what? So that's the tactic right now for Team Woods.

But on the Purely Human Side

I, myself, have been divorced three times and have had more cruel venom thrown my way than a snake handler. So I can comfortably put a human face on exactly how Eldrick "Tiger" Woods is feeling right now. When the weight of the world is on your shoulders and you're laying your head on that pillow at night going, "Ah, crap." This incredible Tiger Woods story jumps all over the place. It's just like real life.

Until then...

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Seriously Chapter 61: Tiger Update & Let's Get it All on the Table, Brian Kelly

Seriously Breaks Through

My questionable friend, Chris, over at the Los Angeles Times (he's on the Tiger Woods hustle for those bloated idiots downtown,) he says to me of gum-shoeing this story, "Tiger Woods has more Jews working for him than Bibi frickin' Netanyahu." And then Seriously retorts, "Check it out. The story's locked down tighter than Tom Thumb's asshole right now but this mamma jammah is only just getting started." And then the L.A. Times guy says, "Yeah, really. And Mister Woods, you might want to leave open the check book." Forgive the glee but, truth be told, Eldrick has a little bit of a history of being rude to journalists and is now considered by those of us in the infidelity business as a jackass to have left recorded messages or texts of any kind. Forget a schlub like me who's just out chasing stories, no skanky party chick would ever save a message or text from the most famous athlete in the history of the world. No way! That's not how you fool around on your wife. Take it from me, I've fooled around on three. I can be a drunken, disgusting louse when I'm not on the job, truly and it's liberating to be able to admit that in public and to all of you who have blessed me with your continued sports patronage.
But I did finally get my guy over at Team Woods on the phone today and he told me that Tiger's wife, Elin, was swinging a 3-iron during the incident last week. Apparently she wanted a 2 at first, but even the wife of Tiger Woods can't hit a 2-iron.

Cincinnati Bearcat's Coach, Brian Kelly, Has Told Notre Dame to Kiss His Wide, Rippling Ass

Never did he think he'd engage in such discourse with representatives of a religious institution, but that's apparently how it went when they offered him the coaching job, only two hours after firing Charlie Weis. But that will be a story, slash, set-of-fireworks, for another day. I don't want to cause Coach Kelly any publicity grief during the season. Hell, he's gonna be playing for a national championship in a few weeks.

Stay tuned.