Monday, August 17, 2009

Seriously Chapter 38: N - F - Hell Yeah

Sometimes you just need to be funny and original from the get-go. Take me to the frozen tundra, mommy.

It's Michael Vick's League Now

Memo to Information Gatherers:

Seriously and the entire Sports Seriously staff are locked and loaded with correspondents in place for the upcoming NFL football season. One of my veteran stringers, Doug Davidson, he's on golf right now and he wants to drop Y.E. Yang like a cold potato while the kim chi lover is still holding the PGA trophy up in the air, he wants to cover his Buffalo Bills so bad. With the return of the great Michael Vick, the emergence of Jamarcus Russell and a healthy Mark Bulger, if you're not breathing NFL fire, y'all, then you're not breathing. The mail up in here on the NFL is staggering and the entire office is buzzing. Of course, we have the Bengals coming out of the AFC, Seattle in the NFC with the Cincinnati Bengals hoisting the Lombardi in January of 2010. It's only 3 weeks into training camp and everyone at this agency is already exuding the element of - My God, bring it on.

Dodgers Hearing Footsteps?

I think not though 4 1/2 games at this point in the season is unexpected what with that punishing line-up.

It Makes Life Worth Living When Baseball Becomes Whiffle Ball

The sight of a new knuckleballer coming into the majors and playing dipsy-doodle makes me want to go Toni Braxton. I simply want to "...breathe again, breathe again..." We don't fly the Dodger colors or support the Dodger brand here at the Franchise but the outing by young Dodgers' knuckler, Charlie Haeger, was more important to this author than paying attention to Darfur or getting a public option.

Another note on the 91st PGA Championship

Tiger Woods is part Asian, give me a break.


  1. How does Carson Palmer look? Will live up to expectation?

  2. Carson is 100%. Seriously just returned from Bengals' camp in Georgetown, Ohio where he witnessed Carson zipping passes all over the field and his deep ball can only be classified as frightening. The injury he sustained in Saturday's game is minor and he'll be held out of Thursday's night tilt versus New England only as a precaution. Carson's return has nearly every major publication/agency, Sports Seriously included, picking the Bengals to win the Super Bowl this year yet again. This will tie them with the Pittsburgh Steelers for most Super Bowl victories in NFL franchise history with six. So yes, Carson is back.

  3. Seriously, I think I may have to root Vikings this year. Don't have any NFC allegiance to get in the way. Brett Favre gives all us geezers hope. And Carson will only be as good as the line and Ochocinco let him be. Keep dreamin' the dream, man. TB

  4. As an organization, we at the Sports Seriously franchise are devotees of the "Bengal Way," a business model and general way-of-doing-things along the lines of the St. Louis Cardinals in baseball and Boston Celtics in basketball. Accordingly, this is an anti-Ocho Cinco zone. Of course he's the best receiver in the NFL and sure Hall-of-Fame lock (if he never plays another down,) but here we refer to him as Chad Johnson, though I invite you to call him what you will.
    Brett Farve in a Viking uniform is like Namath on the Rams but without the sadness.

  5. Sources confirm that John Smoltz will be signing with the already formidable St. Louis Cardinals and will pitch out of the pen. While his inflated 8.00 something era looks grotesque, when Dave Duncan gets through with him he will be a savage animal setup man for the ZZ-Top closer himself, Ryan Franklin. The one two punch of Carpenter and Wainright makes the Cards almost unbeatable in a short series. Lohse and Boggs are not chopped liver either, although you wouldn't know it by Bogg's .320 batting average against. The Cards still have trouble out of the pen in middle relief, but I suspect they may do something else before Aug. 31.

    The Dodgers continue to cut the cheese and paste their pitching staff, although Haeger slacks was very impressive until his no-rotation burger got tatered into the left field Pavillion by Albert the Viking and then almost Stargelled over the right field All-You-Can-Eat-Burb by pitcher turned roving roid-center fielder Rick Ankiel, no doubt slowed down by the noxious gasses emanating up from overstuffed Dodgerfanfilled rectum.

    Bills seemed fine, but an H1N1 infected Clayton Kershaw was sent home early and is questionable for the rubber game Weds night, with a deer in the headlights Scott Elbert being called up from Triple AAA for the five millionth time this year on standby. Jeff "I never met a blunt I didn't like" Weaver will start Thursday's game against the Cubbies for Hiroki "I can barely remember my name" Kuroda, who was last seen wandering on the four level interchange. Things fall back into decent alignment Friday with Wolfy (team MVP?), an IV fed Kershaw on Saturday and Big Butt Bills on Sunday.

    Huge cock win tonight at the ravine for the boys, who are a juggernaut against opposing teams number five starters, even with Manny Ramirez doing a post PED impression of last years version of Andruw Jones, he of the playoff bound Texas Rangers.

    One game at a time my Blue Boys. But first, Matt Kemp Bobblehead night at the ravine with the guest of honor running a 104 degree swine flu fever.


  6. The Dodgers remind me of the Lakers last year at this time of the season. They started off strong, then started to lose key games and lost the best record overall.

    But, we did see how that turned out.

    It does worry me that we can't the Cards, but need I remind Dodger Tony that about thirty years ago we lost almost every game to the Philies all year. Then in the playoffs we beat them to go to the World Series. (Only to lose to the Yankess).

    The point is, it is possible for us rebound and take this team. (And face the Yankess again only to lose to them) But, at this late stage of the game, I don't see how we beat the mighty Cardinals.

  7. Seriously is sticking with Philadelphia who looked like the team to beat before they got Cliff Lee! It will be interesting to see if Dave Duncan can work his magic with John Smoltz and whether it'll be a factor. The footage of him this year with Boston is downright frightening.