Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Seriously Chapter 50: NFL's A Poppin' and Can't Talk About Lamar

From the Gridiron:

The Denver Broncos, wearing throw back uniforms that looked like a cross between a bumble bee and Designs by Charles Comiskey, continue to baffle every normal thinking person on earth as they moved to 5-0 on Sunday with another WTF victory. This time over a New England team that's still assuming, two days later, that they're going to win the game. Granted, it was played at Mile High Like I give enough of a crap about the Broncos to get the name of their new stadium right? but that was Denver's biggest home victory in years. Twill be fascinating to see the Broncos play at San Diego next Monday night as that game will be Norv Turner's almost-last-stand as coach of the Chargers. Look for the Bolts to win it out of complete and utter desperation.

In the AFC North, the Bengals continued their undefeated 5-0 "March to the Lombardi" with a shocking road triumph over the heavily favored Baltimore Ravens. Pittsburgh went ahead and brought a tear to my eye when they defeated our Detroit Lions to move to 3-2. I'm not even from there but can Detroit ever get a mother f-ing break? Not to digress from my AFC Report but I ask you this -Are we not Americans on this Lions dilemma? It's important for the well being of this country that the Detroit Lions start winning some football games. While I'm happy that Calvin Johnson's foot injury won't keep him out next week, I'm worried about Matthew and even more worried about Jim Schwartz and the team. I'll be having a conversation with William Clay Ford tomorrow and will report back. I'm sure you're as concerned as I am.
The Cleveland Browns actually won and went to 1-4 as they stumbloed to Buffalo a.k.a. Terrell Owens' Purgatory, and pulled out a victory in maybe one of the most boring, awful games in NFL history which ended up 6-3, like it was a Brewers game or something. With this game, Seriously cries yet again only this time for my beloved Ohio.

In the AFC South, Indianapolis did what great teams do in their casual dismantling of Tennessee to move to 5-0. This Colts team and the Giants are are only a game or so, and a few roster changes, away from approaching Cincinnati-level football.

In the AFC East, the Jets and That Mexican were dealt yet another tasty-for-us-Jet-haters defeat by the Miami Dolphins, a team that seems to have discovered it's pulse at 2-3 by playing good old sandlot football. Kudos to them for the week and perhaps this will provide a brief respite for my old prickly friend, William Parcells. It's just wonderful to see Mark Sanchez losing football games.

That confounding NFC West. After all the acclaim and hype, the San Francisco 49'ers hosted Atlanta and they proceeded to lay the biggest turd since Chris Penn ate oatmeal at Charlie's house.
San Francisco got beat something like 126-10. What ev's, `Niners, and way to go `Dre Bly, hot dogging it and getting the ball punched out of your stupid hands!!! Excuse Seriously's momentary outburst if you will. It's just that one of my good friends is a man named Barry Sanders who used to score touch downs and simply hand the ball to the refs. That's man-type shit where you don't do all that whoopin' and hollerin'. Where your actions speak loudest instead. But I'm not getting into that, not in the middle of my report. I owe you guys the news. Bottom line, up with Atlanta and back to the drawing board of respectability for Singletary's boys. Seattle has shown they can beat anybody when they have Matt Hasselbeck healthy. He looked brilliant sending them to a very-much-alive-in-the-division, 2-3 with a 41-0 pounding of a Jacksonville team that had won 2 straight.

The NFC Central had Minnesota staying 5-0 as they defeated that staggering war party known as the 0-5, St. Louis Rams. The Rams are so bad right now, them becoming the St. Louis Rush Limbaugh's would be an upgrade. Chicago is back from their bye at 3-1 and looks to continue their solid sans-Urlacher season with a tough test at 3-1 Atlanta. Look for the Bears to beat these tough, well-coached Falcons in a slight upset.

In the NFC South, New Orleans is undefeated at 4-0 and about to host the New York Giants in a true Clash of the Titans match up. Seriously won't be making a call on this game at this point because I haven't spoken to New Orleans coach Sean Payton yet. When I do, I'll let you know which way this game will go. That should come before the end of the week. Please bear with me. On big games like this, I need to talk to both coaches before I can make the call.
Good on Jake Delhomme for showing some of Tom Barkley's Guts with his fearless, possible season changing, first down scramble against the Washington Daniel Snyders who fell to a weak 2-3. Jake inspired his entire team, even Julius Peppers, and they went on and won their first game. The Carolina Panthers, even at 1-3, might not be dead yet.

The New York Giants are playing so good right now at 5-0, they make even David Carr look like he can play this game. The Giants blew ahead of the Oakland Abortions so quickly that they were able to rest Eli and bring in the failed refugee, Carr. Just like that, Carr becomes Slingin' Sammy Baugh, all of a sudden. Go figure. Hats off to the New York Giants.

Baseball Note:

They're very funny over at the L.A. Times, especially when they know they've gotten it wrong. They become very dignified and, frankly, that's why they've successfully remained in business for nearly a 100 years. It seems my boys and girls over there are trying to get back into my good graces with their headline in today's printed sports section. It read, "Freeway Seriously?" I ripped them a new one on Sunday, and again Monday morning, after they predicted that their very own Dodgers would get swept by the St. Blewy Cardinals. Had nearly their entire staff on a conference call. (Believe me, I always know when the department has their meetings.) It was both professional and ugly at the same and all they could do was nod. So this subliminal shout-out to Seriously in the form of the "Freeway Seriously?" headline is them saying - "we're a lot bigger than you but we also know that your opinion is what's up." Good job, L.A. Times. You screwed up your pick, I got it right and I appreciate your pointing it out. We can still do business. This is L.A. The town's big enough for the both of us.


Based on my visits to various pre season camps around the league, the Los Angeles Clippers are the finest team in the NBA and Blake Griffin is the finest player. This is all you need to know until the regular season starts. We'll be covering the season extensively, like we always do. You'll know exactly what you need to know.

On a personal note, I had planned on filing a report on Laker Hall-of-Famer, Lamar Odom's wedding to the beautiful virgin, Khloe Kardashian. But after talking with Lamar and his bride we agreed to keep the affair private. Just know that they're a madly in love couple, just getting their marriage-feet on the ground, Khloe is learning lines for a play at Lincoln Center in December and Lamar is fully focused on this upcoming Laker season. That wedding was a gas and a half, however, highlighted by an episode featuring Phil Jackson and a punch bowl. But no more, I promised Lamar. Some day, doggonnit, I'm going to have to tell that story.

Until next time, fly straight.


  1. Bengals' Otom out for the year. Can they do it without him? Are the Texans a better football team than anyone thought? They looked pretty effective on offense on Sunday. Why does TBS think the little box with the pitch locations adds anything to the game? I can remember batter by batter where the pitcher puts the pitches. Can't everyone who watches baseball? Pondering the imponderable, Seriously.

  2. Losing Odom is a huge blow but the unraveling on defense in total was of graver concern. Did the loss of one player (however much a monster) allow so many different receivers to be so wide open so many times? The dots are connectible but, geez. The Texans could very well score only one touchdown next week. That's how they are this year. This will be a good opportunity to see what the rookie Michael Johnson can do as he gets more snaps sharing the position with Fanene. He's considered sort of an Odom clone. I'm neither here nor there re: the pitch box on TBS but I see your point. It's no nod to the purist, for sure. Thanks for writing. P.S. Major masculine nods to Tony Pike. He's like, "The surgically attached plate inside my arm got jacked out of place, I had surgery today and I might just play on Saturday." Damn. But then again, maybe he's worried about that freshman who was running like a bull and slingin' it like Sammy Baugh. Sweeeeeeet!

  3. I think Mr. Pike may also be concerned with to what extent the NFL will consider him irreparably damaged goods. Did you know he commutes to UC and lives at home in Reading with his folks? (and I haven't seen a quarterback run like the sub Carrolas sp? in a long time--it was sweeeeet). How does Brian Kelly have so many competent qb's queued up? Used four last year--hope it doesn't come to that this season.