Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Seriously Chapter 45: Change of Services & Gratitude

In case you haven't noticed since the last time we met here, there's been a change of services at the Sports Seriously franchise as it relates to correspondents and the reports that they file in that there won't be any in the foreseeable future. SCHNEIKEE!!!
Now please, dear reader/fan, please don't be shocked and take this to mean that the sports stories you need to know about will go unreported. Seriously and the agency would never in a million years violate the oath we swore to you, those of you who have blessed us with the solemn responsibility of being your sports information source of record. You will get your stories and sounds and interviews from the trenches, they'll just be coming directly from me for a while a.k.a. I'm just letting you know how we do things around here. (Yes, I never really could write a proper sentence.) I've "culled the herd" as I am want to do (those who know this site) and I am gumshoeing it big time as of right now. YOU ARE BOSS CRAZE BALL!
You'll be getting the stories directly from me, the big cheese, the man who made the plan, the King of the Whole Damn Thing. I have to do this every once in a while in order to keep the product/process fresh and real, so I can stay in touch with that which brung me to where I am today. Y'all feel me? This necessary evil and it's accomplice, the hallways of this building literally ringing with the sad echo of imposed emptiness (???) does not come without cost. Yes, I'm paying the entire staff while they're laid off, GENEROSITY, they're free to take other assignments, and yes they'll be asked to return. But these guys and gals always take this personally, nonetheless, and that reality hurts me a lot. I love my reporters and stringers. LIP QUIVERING. I love these guys and gals a great deal. And, lord knows, I need them. I depend on them to get me into every imaginable nook and cranny of the sporting world from the locker room to the executive suite, right on down to every single major professional athlete's complete and total private, personal head space. Yeah, Sports Seriously really is like that. THE PLACE TO BE, AS IN - SPORTS REPORTING NIRVANA. And they do it with a relentless professionalism that moves me to speak of, write of or even gesture regarding. And I frequently do speak in public. I know most of you are familiar with the culling of the herd but for those of you who aren't, here's the deal: I laid off my entire staff except for Harmless Keith who keeps my computers and machines humming and I'm gumshoeing the whole goddamn thing. This is not the boss hitting the assembly line for a few hours, this is serious mother f-ing business. I'm covering this crazy sports game on my own using all the power, wisdom and resources that god has seen fit to give me. This thing, this thing of ours called Sports Seriously (6,210 people strong as of today,) is beyond just me, us and we. IT'S EVERYTHING.

From Where I'm At

The Diamond:

The Angels are cruising in the AL West like the anonymous little punishing bitches that they are. Texas, after showing great pitching and a powerful line up, has seen both fade. Jeff Hamilton for Edinson Volquez is looking like a wash, even with Volquez's blown out arm. Yikes.

Detroit leads the Minnesota Twins by 2 1/2 games in the AL Central, both teams playing for the right to completely get their asses kicked in the playoffs.

The New York Yankees continue to anally violated entire American League and possibly the world. The Red Sox and their arrogant fans have no interest in winning this AL East division. They smugly see themselves as the Not-So-Wild Card, beating the Yankees and getting to the Series. Seriously is a National League Guy (with all staffers screened to assure the same - one of the few rules here - we love homosexuals and others.) As a National League Guy, Seriously is without a dog in this American League hunt. Seriously and staff are unanimous, however, in their desire to see the Boston Red Sox completely obliterated.

The bumbling, stumbling, depressed squad known as the Los Angeles Dodgers are not only winning again (7 out of the last 10,) but they're starting to run away with the division. Hut ever! While the Rockies have lost their mystical quality, they seem more than enough to hold off the disappointing Giants who back up their great pitching with whiffle bats. Rockies to the Wild Card though I hate seeing Timmy getting hammered. Damn NL West!

St. Louis in the NL Central is a less devastating, more nuts-and-bolts version of the Yankees. Scary championship potential.

In the NL East, Philadelphia is scheduled to lose to St. Louis. But we say, in this case, until you beat the champs they have to be the choice. Philadelphia was the best team Seriously and the staff had seen all year BEFORE they got Cliff Lee and Pedro Martinez. The Philadelphia Phillies will not only go to the World Series but they will win the championship.

The Gridiron:

In the AFC North, the Baltimore Ravens have come out 2-0 and championship-like with a diversified, score-at-will offense complimenting a still-monumental, shut-down hammer defense. If I put any more dashes between words, I deserve to die. Cleveland, 0-2, is a sad team team that is lost and Pittsburgh, 1-1, deserves much worse than losing Troy Polamalu. They deserve to have very bad, nasty things happen to them whereupon the least of their worries is losing tons of football games. I want them dead. DEAD!!!

In the AFC South, the Indianapolis Colts, 2-0, look like the N.Y. Giants of the AFC right now. Houston, at a weak 1-1, doesn't look as good as advertised, even with the monster, Andre Johnson at receiver. Jacksonville, 0-2, looks like they have nothing and the Tennessee Titans, 0-2, seem completely shocked at how bad they are.

Seriously and the Staff are committed against the 2-0, New York Jets as well as their fans. It's with great reluctance that we point out and acknowledge their surprisingly nasty defense and the solid play of their quarterback, That Mexican. See how the New York Jets can bring out the worst in anyone? New England, 1-1, still lives in the AFC East but only by the sheer will of their quarterback, Tom Brady. Buffalo and Miami are playing just poorly enough to lose somewhat badly.

In the AFC West, the Denver Broncos sit as one of the weakest 2 - 0 football teams in the history of the sport. This despite being led by that great leader of men, Kyle Orton. The entire rest of the division, K.C., Oakland and San Diego are disasters of epic proportions with the exception of Raiders' future Hall-of-Famer, Jamarcus Russell, who continues to batter nearly all of Oakland's team passing records in only his second season at quarterback.

NFC West's San Francisco, at 2-0, is THE surprise team in football, winning both games not in spectacular form (Al Gore's son, Frank, aside) but in workman-like form, like a team accustomed to winning. Good for Mike Singletary who seems to have turned the franchise around in a very small amount of time. Last year's Bowl runner-up, Arizona, evened themselves at 1-1 after looking like a bad version of the Atlanta Falcons in their first game. St. Louis is the greatest 0-2 team in history and is still a strong pick to win this division and be an absurdly dark horse choice as a Super Bowl possibility.

In the NFC North, Minnesota looks invincible until Brett Favre gets hurt or starts throwing interceptions. The rest of the teams, Chicago, Green Bay and the Lions have this division looking not like black and blue but like green and hue-ish. Think on it.

In the NFC South, the Saints looks like a much better 2-0 team than Atlanta who has a suspect defense. New Orleans' Drew Brees is playing like Yelberton Abraham Tittle. There's also Carolina and Tampa Bay but they're just awful right now. Look for Carolina to right the ship, however.

The 2-0, New York Giants, look so damn good right now, they make the rest of the division, very good teams except Washington, look like total scrubs.

Ultimately, the Cincinnati Bengals and Seattle Seahawks still appear to be the overwhelming choice to meet in the Super Bowl with the Bengals as a sure pick to be hoisting the Lombardi in early 2010.

Until Next Time

Stay tuned. This site, while still providing top notch news and commentary, is going to be a bit more wild, a bit more shot from the hip and hopefully from the heart. I think you'll enjoy the change of pace and God bless you all for coming along for the ride.


  1. Hey, Seriously, two words for you: Mardy Gilyard. Don't know if you follow college football, but he is the real deal. Seriously. tb

  2. Seriously is a serious follower of college football and has the University of Cincinnati Bearcats holding onto their #1 ranking throughout the season and playing for the national championship. As to Mardy Gilyard, I honestly won't comment on his talent. It's too personal, I'll get all wrecked out and I don't know you that well.

  3. I can't wait until you get the others back.

  4. Stick around, they will be back. I've been doing this for a couple decades now and my reporters always come back stronger and more energized after their sabbaticals from Sports Seriously. It always works out the best for everyone.

  5. Hoping for a Kenny Perry win (no offense to Tiger) and a Bengals over Pittsburgh miracle.

  6. Seriously has known Kenny for years and can honestly say, he's what you call "regular people." Noteworthy: If he wins the Tour Championship today and Tiger finishes third or worse, Kenny wins the Fed Ex Cup and the 10 million dollars that goes with it. If that happens, I've got his celly and I'm hitting him up.