Chapter 9: Last Second Shots

- How come, when Vladimir Guererro runs the bases, he looks like a horse with legs that are about to snap?

- Can you believe a slob like John Kruk was such a great baseball baseball player? I love that guy. Another dude to have on your Slob Alert when he comes up to bat is Philidelphia's Matt Stairs. Ten YEARS ago he looked like a guy who plays in a beer league and he's got more career home runs than Kirk Gibson, Robin yount and Derek Jeter.

- The first two games of the Lakers-Nuggets series combined were about ten-percent as exciting as game one of Cavs-Magic which was an instant classic won on a last second three pointer by a forgotten man, Orlando's Rashard Lewis. (No, `Bron, `Bron, no!) Now, instead of sweeping the world, the Cavs lost, Lebron is limping and Ilgauskas hasn't even hurt his foot yet!!

- If the Dodgers ever lose another game, I'll have sex with one of Michael Vick's dogs. That's unnecessarily repulsive and I don't know why I wrote that.

- A couple of weeks ago, Seriously heard from one of his deep, deep, deep inside tennis sources that Roger Federer would never again defeat Raphael Nadal and then Federer promptly took him in straight sets at last Sunday's Madrid Open. If L.A. County can make their first layoffs since Charlie Chaplin was running around then the Sports Seriously franchise sure as hell can, too. While Seriously can tolerate lack of effort, I cannot and will not tolerate staff being incorrect.

***Kudos to the People***

The Franchise just surpassed 210,000 hits in the first week and a half of operation. Thank you, everyone. Not only for your patronage but for the many e-mails, letters, middle fingers and all those things that keep me sharp. Without you I'm nothing. God bless.

***I Hear You***

Your many requests have been heard and Sports Seriously correspondent, Demitri Mantalos, will be filing a soccer report from Sao Paulo any day now. This I am happy to say. In birthing this monster I never knew, in my wildest dreams, that there would be so many soccer fans who would follow. Better yet is how many souls have been drawn to the game by Demitri's expansive, insightful and thought-provoking reports on the most popular game in the world. Lack of frequency in the reports has engendered complaints and I truly understand. In mentioning this to Demitri, his response was, "Would you rush a painting?" Stay tuned and bear with.