Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Seriously Chapter 14: The Los Angeles Movie Stars Lose Game 4

If you don't live in L.A., you wouldn't understand. It's a Kobe-Phil Jackson/Lakers-On-the-Road thing when they show up, get hammered in the middle, hit the f - it switch and decide to pack it in for home court. Yeah, it's the luxury of being up 2-1 in games but it's also akin to not wanting to drive your Lexus into a certain neighborhood because there's a chance that it might somehow get scratched. Whatever, finesse guys. The Nuggets' Martin, Anderson and the thick brother with the hairdresser's name, Nene, combine for 42 rebounds, more than the entire Laker team and the Lakers decide to have none of it. Not taking away from the fact that Denver destroyed them, they did. The Lakers couldn't do a damn thing and by the end of the game looked like they were watching a wood chipper. But it is Phil and Kobe, y'all. They've got so many championship rings between them that you ultimately can't really say anything unless they get eliminated. Anybody want to make that bet?

***Jose Canseco, Though Vindicated, Still Deserves to Get His Ass Kicked***

Seriously doesn't care care how right Jose Canseco was in exposing the prevalence of steroids in baseball with his book, "Juiced." He's still relentlessly ignorant, has that repulsive, self-righteous facial tick and looks like every guy who ever tried to sell me cocaine. Furthermore, as a big fan and believer in MMA (When it comes to sports, Seriously likes things/teams/people that aren't much worth liking, remember? I'm a Clipper fan, I'm actually concerned about Jeff Gordon's back injury and will it keep him out of his car and I think Yoko Ono is kind of cool. You feel me?) As a mixed martial arts fan, Seriously was seriously appalled Saturday night when Jose Canseco thought he could train for only three weeks and actually fight in MMA Dream 9 and I was as proud as a doting father of the 8-foot, 400 pound China man that kicked the living shit out of him in 76 seconds. His name is Hong Man Choi and he'll be my guest next week on this site. Discovered wandering around with an axe in his hand in the forest of China's Hung Tsi province six years ago by actor Chazz Palminteri while on location filming "Zena: Warrior Princess, Now!," Hong Man Choi is more than a fighter, more than my guest next week, he's an inspiration. Much like Danny Bonaduce and former Eagles kicker Vai Sikahema, Seriously just seriously likes anybody who kicks Jose Canseco's ass.

- A dude who looked like he was starving to death won yesterday's Los Angeles Marathon. Kenya's Wesley Korir won the men's title with a time of 2:08, winning 160,000 dollars, a Honda Accord EX and hopefully some potted meat, for god sakes. The woman's title was won in a time of 2:25 by a Russian gal named, Tatiana.

- James Blake is the only early round casualty at tennis' French Open so far. If that sounds like thin coverage for a major grand slam event, it is. Sports Seriously correspondents have refused to transmit copy from Roland Garros until at least the third round, saying the tournament is a "cattle call" at this point. While the Franchise is new to comprehensive tennis coverage and we definitely want to leave it to the pros, I think staff is drinking too much wine and not doing their job. I will have updates and word on copy by tomorrow, however. Things are getting a little too French right now and I'm kind of pissed about it.


  1. it's as if Jose Canseco enjoys exposing himself to as much public ridicule as possible

  2. He's also up to his ears in debt, Coffee Maker. Between the ex-wives, kids, multiple residencies and monetary judgments related to his various boneheaded kerfuffles, Jose would sell the barb wire tattoos off his arm if he could.

  3. The shame about Jose Canseco and his book is that it was written by Jose Canseco. He always came off as a goofball so no one takes him seriously. But, what he exposed is important. Everyone in baseball is responsible, but it seems only the players are paying the price for it.

    Hulk Hogan tried to reveal the dirty secret about the WWF or WWE or whatever they call themselves these days. But, it seems that big business and Vince McMann wins out.

    If you believe the Hulkster, he claims McMann forced him to take steriods or he was going to lose his job. The truth is somewhere in between. I'm sure Terry Hogan liked that image of being the Hulk and when he was "forced" to take steriods, he jump at it.

    The sad part is that we can't tell how good the atheletes are or if we are seeing real competition. I guess it's all reletive to the times.

  4. What a game last night. Orlando was playing great, then they tried to live off of the three pointers. I thought it was a mistake and should have started to drive the basket more. They kept missing and just like that Cleveland went on a 8 to 1 run and was ahead. How the Magic won this game was a miracle.

    What they did in overtime was to do just what I thought they should have done to close out regulation. They went to Howard and it worked. I thought that Varejao was no match for Dwight. In fact, he is one of the week links for them. He is only good looking and as we know, you can’t use that as a skill in basketball. Look at Jason Kidd.

    But, when ‘Bron hit that three pointer with only a few seconds left in overtime, I said, “Uh, oh.” But, the Magic hit their free throw shots and the Cavs where out of time outs. Can Cleveland come from behind and force a game seven? I think they can. Coach Van Gundy thinks so and said that they will not coast the next game. They will finish it out.

    We will see.

  5. Seriously agrees with poster, Pascoe. There will definitely be a game 7 in Orlando.

  6. Yeah... At the rate the NBA schedules run, Game 7 in Orlando to be played sometime in September. FUCK... THE... NBA!!!

  7. I usually love the NBA, but this season has been long. Don't fuck the NBA, fuck the NFL, it's their fault. If they didn't make their season longer and played the Super Bowl in February, then the hockey and basketball playoffs could have started like normal.

    But, corporations have to ruin it again.

  8. The more games the better. It should never stop. You're all fools!

  9. We'll see if the Cavs can extend it tonight.