Sunday, May 31, 2009

Seriously Chapter 19: Dodgers Winning Narco Baseball

Sports Seriously has received nearly a thousand e-mails from baseball fans across the country who are reacting in HORROR and disbelief that the Dodgers continue to have, by far, the best record in all of baseball. The Sports Seriously franchise and all who work here concur with that horror. Rooting for the Dodgers is like rooting for a Mexican drug cartel. But even if you dislike the Dodgers the way you rightly should, it brings great joy to see Juan Pierre shoving it down everyone's throat (including the Dodgers themselves.) That dude got zero respect from anybody and he's batting a notch under .400. And I cannot stress the importance of the way Juan Pierre wears the high socks and flies all over the field. Yeah, he has no throwing arm but just to overstate it - you simply must admire the way this surprising baseball hero plays the game. Hate the team, not the player.

***I Hate, I Hate When The Lakers Play So Great!***

It's always makes for more fun copy when the Lakers play like movie stars and jack 3's and don't utilize Lamar Odom but, oh well. Maybe they'll revert to I-Don't-Wanna-Mix-It-Up ball at some point in the Finals against Orlando and the series will end up close. But I don't knoooooow...if they play like they did in putting Denver away, fully in integrated Lamar into the offense, and then you combine that with the fact that Lamar's back will be much better by Thursday (just a contusion,) you're talking about a championship team in six games or less. While that's not horror, it is a little bit frightening.

Saturday, May 30, 2009

Chapter 18: What Do Lebron James and Susan Boyle Have in Common?

It's over for the both of them. That's what they share and it doesn't diminish their accomplishments. Seriously is like a rock and even he shed a tear watching that beautiful, ugly-ass Susan Boyle break everybody's heart with that song. Now she's lost "Britain's Got Talent" but I'd still pay to hear her sing. I love that lady. And what can you say about `Bron `Bron after the Cavalier's loss except for "I hope you stay in Cleveland?" Seriously means that seriously. Lebron James going to the Knicks would be the phoniest move to New York since Brett Farve and the Olsen Twins. At least in Cleveland you have a team, `Bron, and it's in the finest state in the union, Ohio, which I will say to `Bron next time I talk to him. `Bron and his people are fans of Sports Seriously, us having known`Bron since he was covering up tattoos with gauze tape so he could qualify to play in high school games so Seriously will be talking to him no matter what kind of crazy things people throw up on this particular sports site. I'll be talking to `Bron and I'll be letting you know. Stay tuned.

Friday, May 29, 2009

Seriously Chapter 17: Titled "No, No, Nene"

That the Lakers demolished the Nuggets, 119-92, to advance to the NBA finals against either the Magic or Cavs is secondary to what just happened Wednesday night.

***Thank God For Lamar Odom***

We've been getting hit hard with e-mails and I even got a fax today. (Who the heck gets faxes anymore?) The consensus seems to be that after Wednesday night's crushing, tide turning, Game 5 victory over the Nuggets, that Seriously deserves some kind of credit or "special props" for pointing out/stressing/elucidating the fact that the great one from the University of Rhode Island, Lamar Odom, is the single most important player for the Los Angeles Lakers, far beyond Jellybean's kid, and he just might be the most important player in all of NBA basketball. As if in the process of providing information as a sports service I'm supposed to come before you and say - hey, call me a soothsayer. Far from it. I'm just reporting what I see and I give thanks to god that I'm lucky enough to have all of you who ask me, "About this thing, what do you think?"
Wearing a special harness to cover the bloody flippin' sack on his badly injured injured back (call it a contusion if you want to,) which had to be drained twice in three days by trainer Gary Vitti, Lamar drops a cool 19, 14, 4 block performance that showed Denver's Dude With the Hairdresser's Name, Nene, just what the area under the basket is all about. A certain poster was rather snarky in referring to the fact that, as reported, Lamar often walks around Los Angeles munching a bag of candy. This poster has been permanently banished form Sports Seriously and will not be heard from again. To speak ill of Lamar (who incidentally is extremely sensitive and can't drink or do drugs to numb himself when his feelings are hurt) is to find yourself persona non grata. As was reported before, Lamar Odom personally told Seriously that, as of this season, he "can't even blow no weed no more."


From Elmont, New York. Rachel Alexandra, who became the first philly in 84 years to win the Preakness, and who is Seriously's main gal, WILL NOT run in the 141st Belmont Stakes on June 6, her connections have told Sports Seriously Friday afternoon. I spoke to owner, Jess Jackson, and he told Seriously that Rachel continues to suffer from exhaustion and it would be in her best interest to not race again so soon after the Preakness. Seriously has known Jess for 15 years and takes him at his word. This means (heartbreak) there will be no final, change-the-course-of-the-nation showdown with Mine That Bird who won the Derby and ran second to Rachel at the Preakness. We love this once-in-a-lifetime Rachel Alexandra and only hope she can settle things once and for all at this year's Breeder's Cup, November 4th at Santa Anita which now becomes the televised event that could eclipse the final episodes of "MASH" and "Seinfeld." The sorry consolation is that her withdrawal opens the door for red-hot jockey Calvin Borel to leave Rachel's saddle and takeover Mine That Gold for the Belmont, whom Calvin rode to victory in the Derby.

***Sung To The Tune Of Don Meredith's "The Party's Over"

Cavs pull out Game 5, with `Bron `Bron having to make like a one man gang, but head back to Orlando for tomorrow night's game still down 3-2. The chances of the Cavaliers winning tomorrow night are about as good as me getting into the game as a power forward.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Seriously Chapter 16: Boogity Bub Weighs in on NASCAR

When you've played the sports game as long as Seriously has, and have been blessed enough to travel on the inside, getting to go places where I shouldna oughta been, with people you wouldn't really even believe, you tend to accumulate some fantastic personalities along with fantastic sources along the way. Sports Seriously's NASCAR guy, Boogity Bub, is both a personality and a source. He calls himself "a cashed up redneck" because when you go to his property, about an hour outside Charlotte, there's cars and boats scattered everywhere only their all nice. And he'll shoot anything so you best keep your hands in plain sight, even if he's passed you through his gate. This self described "old grease monkey from way back" files this report which will be his first of hopefully many on this site.

Boogity Bub filed this:

As one who lives in the South, aka NASCAR Country, I learned long ago that there's three things you're can't talk about around here: religion, politics and Dale Earnhardt, Jr. Well, all I can say to that is - FUCK DALE EARNHARDT, JR!!!
Ever since NASCAR, which is an acronym for "Non-Athletic Sport Centered Around Rednecks" made this no-driving, squinty-eyed, in-bred looking, bad acting poser the face of the sport, my love has grown for my most favorite sport...Anything that ain't NASCAR! I am so sick of seeing this dude everywhere I turn on the TV or radio that I'm almost ready to become a fan of "Everybody Loves Raymond" re-runs. Face it, "Junior Nation", you bunch of idiots, you're boy is the Anna Kournikova of NASCAR... Only 1000 times uglier and less sexy. Oh, sure, it's true that "Mr. Lucky Sperm Club" has more fans than anybody in sports next to Tiger Woods but that's where the comparison ends. If Tiger ain't playing in a golf tournament - nobody, and I mean nobody, watches because Tiger alone creates the competition and drama in that sport. If Junior don't race or gets knocked our early, the race actually gets better because you know he won't be out there wrecking people and it's fun to watch his fans whine and freak out. Look, I don't hate the dude personally. Shit, everyone around here knows him. And I know that he didn't ask to be made "The Face of NASCAR". His daddy was an immortal legend and by birth right, he too has been elevated to legend-status which makes NASCAR an big, fat ass-load of money. I'm sure Junior would much rather come to the track, bang a hot babe in his trailer, work on his car, race and then head home for a beer and few days of fishing with his renowned posse. Hell, I'd take that. The dude rarely shows any passion or emotion and would probably prefer that the cameras weren't always there... Well, except for when he's chewing up dialogue in one of his never ending TV commercials. Sorry, there I go hatin' again. But as long as he has a fan base the size of Guam and throngs of worshipers with Jr. tattoos on their bodies, top-tier sponsors paying millions and untold sums coming in from licensing and personal deals, a super-greedy NASCAR will continue to slap his face on everything - time after time, year after year, reminding us all that's it pays to be loved...and hated.

C. 2009 Boogity Bub

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Seriously Chapter 15: Just Make Sure They've Got the High Socks

***Some Things We Know***

- The Astros' Hunter Pence and Pittsburgh's Nyjer Morgan are the two most important players in baseball, worthy of observation and admiration. Not only because of the way they play the game but the way they wear their uniforms with the high socks like they're going to be flying all over the field like Willie Mays or some lofty elongated sentence with all your favorite baseball memories in it.

- Old-school Gas House Gang look and style of play is the only thing worth aspiring to in MLB. Yes, that does sound extremely National League-ish of the Franchise. Just because we cover the American League that doesn't mean we like it. I like real baseball where you go "Holy shit, the pitcher's up. Now what do we do?" And my staff statistician just handed me a slip of paper. Despite all the documented hoo-hoo kerfuffle about how dominant and superior the American League is, I noticed that it's only 5-4 AL in the last 9 World Series'. Granted, the most pulverizing division in the majors is the American League East with Boston, New York, Tampa Bay, Toronto and even Baltimore is interesting but I would trade the lot of them just to have Detroit's Dontrelle Willis return to his old form. See, I hate the league, not the player.

- Barcelona beat Manchester United in dominating fashion, 2-0, to win the UEFA Championship which is the European equivalent of the Super Bowl in soccer. Correspondent Demitri Mantalos, in transit back from Rome, will be filing a complete report as soon as tomorrow so you xenophobic, narrow minded idiots will know exactly what you missed. Some of you truly deserve to be sports slapped.

***No, `Bron `Bron, No!!!***

Yeah, we haven't learned our lesson from the last time when Lebron James and his people came down on us so hard. We really shouldn't, as a franchise and news agency, be making fun of the Cavaliers who seem to be about to lose their Eastern Conference Final series versus the Magic. Especially since `Bron `Bron was kind enough to speak to Sports Seriously after last night's overtime loss when he said, "Damn, I still ain't got nobody around me." Cavs down a nearly insurmountable 3-1. Yeah, heading back home but that's for only one game. But really, truly, truthfully, knowing `Bron for years the way I do, they ain't no telling how far he can take them if Lebron just do what Lebron do.

Stay tuned for soccer, tennis and Sports Seriously's first report from NASCAR Country.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Seriously Chapter 14: The Los Angeles Movie Stars Lose Game 4

If you don't live in L.A., you wouldn't understand. It's a Kobe-Phil Jackson/Lakers-On-the-Road thing when they show up, get hammered in the middle, hit the f - it switch and decide to pack it in for home court. Yeah, it's the luxury of being up 2-1 in games but it's also akin to not wanting to drive your Lexus into a certain neighborhood because there's a chance that it might somehow get scratched. Whatever, finesse guys. The Nuggets' Martin, Anderson and the thick brother with the hairdresser's name, Nene, combine for 42 rebounds, more than the entire Laker team and the Lakers decide to have none of it. Not taking away from the fact that Denver destroyed them, they did. The Lakers couldn't do a damn thing and by the end of the game looked like they were watching a wood chipper. But it is Phil and Kobe, y'all. They've got so many championship rings between them that you ultimately can't really say anything unless they get eliminated. Anybody want to make that bet?

***Jose Canseco, Though Vindicated, Still Deserves to Get His Ass Kicked***

Seriously doesn't care care how right Jose Canseco was in exposing the prevalence of steroids in baseball with his book, "Juiced." He's still relentlessly ignorant, has that repulsive, self-righteous facial tick and looks like every guy who ever tried to sell me cocaine. Furthermore, as a big fan and believer in MMA (When it comes to sports, Seriously likes things/teams/people that aren't much worth liking, remember? I'm a Clipper fan, I'm actually concerned about Jeff Gordon's back injury and will it keep him out of his car and I think Yoko Ono is kind of cool. You feel me?) As a mixed martial arts fan, Seriously was seriously appalled Saturday night when Jose Canseco thought he could train for only three weeks and actually fight in MMA Dream 9 and I was as proud as a doting father of the 8-foot, 400 pound China man that kicked the living shit out of him in 76 seconds. His name is Hong Man Choi and he'll be my guest next week on this site. Discovered wandering around with an axe in his hand in the forest of China's Hung Tsi province six years ago by actor Chazz Palminteri while on location filming "Zena: Warrior Princess, Now!," Hong Man Choi is more than a fighter, more than my guest next week, he's an inspiration. Much like Danny Bonaduce and former Eagles kicker Vai Sikahema, Seriously just seriously likes anybody who kicks Jose Canseco's ass.

- A dude who looked like he was starving to death won yesterday's Los Angeles Marathon. Kenya's Wesley Korir won the men's title with a time of 2:08, winning 160,000 dollars, a Honda Accord EX and hopefully some potted meat, for god sakes. The woman's title was won in a time of 2:25 by a Russian gal named, Tatiana.

- James Blake is the only early round casualty at tennis' French Open so far. If that sounds like thin coverage for a major grand slam event, it is. Sports Seriously correspondents have refused to transmit copy from Roland Garros until at least the third round, saying the tournament is a "cattle call" at this point. While the Franchise is new to comprehensive tennis coverage and we definitely want to leave it to the pros, I think staff is drinking too much wine and not doing their job. I will have updates and word on copy by tomorrow, however. Things are getting a little too French right now and I'm kind of pissed about it.

Monday, May 25, 2009

Seriously Chapter 13: The Worst Thing You Can Do is Win?

- Seriously needs to get this straight. The Padres just came back from six runs down in extra innings to win their 10th game in a row and all they're trying to do is break up the Padres. Every other report has Jake Peavy's going here or there, they're trying to trade Adrian Gonzalez and they're fed up with Kevin Kouzmanoff.

***Also From "The Worst Thing You Can Do is Win" File***

- After Seriously's favorite gal, Rachel Alexandra, made history two weeks ago as the first philly in 84 years to win the Preakness (she swept the field,) sources now say it's questionable whether she'll make her final show-down-destiny run against Derby winner, Mine That Gold, for the Belmont Stakes. While Sports Seriously reported Rachel's digestive/stomach issue the day after the Preakness, we had also subsequently verified that she was back on her regular training schedule as of last week. Then today, staff spoke to owner, Jess Jackson, who stated he was uncertain (this morning) of the Preakness champion's status for the Belmont Stakes on June 6. We spoke to him after he had just finished working her out at Churchill Downs. "What else does she have to prove?" Jackson said. "The Preakness was a gamble and we don't have to gamble anymore." He further characterized her as a "tired horse." At the same time we spoke to trainer, Steve Asmussen, who said Rachel Alexandra was "comfortable, happy, and agreeable, and today looked like nothing more than an extended gallop," adding that he advised Jackson that he should wait on a (Belmont) decision.
Is Rachel Alexandra a sick horse? Will we be denied the most exciting Belmont Stakes in history? Rachel Alexandra versus Mine That Gold, who finished second at Preakness, would elevate horse-racing to the forefront of national consciousness and change the way we live our lives as Americans. And that's not even taking into account the jockey controversy! After red-hot Calvin Borel rode Mine That Gold to victory at the Derby, he then rode Rachel Alexandra to victory at the Preakness. Now he refuses to say which horse he will ride in the Belmont and that's AFTER Rachel's health issue of today. It's becoming quite apparent that horse racing exceeds the economy, Iraq and health care as it relates to issues of national importance.

- Right as Seriously was hammering the NBA Eastern Conference Finals into granite as a classic, the teams lay a thug-ball stinker in last night's game three, an Orlando ten-point victory featuring 58 fouls, 86 free-throws, two technical's and a flagrant. Through the thuggery and blown whistles it was less a case of Orlando kicking tail than it was the Cavaliers getting exposed as a team of two guys total. `Bron `Bron gets 41, Mo Williams 15, not much else and a mighty 8 points off Cleveland's bench. After making history in the last game, `Bron `Bron goes 11 of 28, 1 of 8 from three point land, has no flow and Orlando is up 2-1 in series.

***Sorry Sight For Cleveland Fans***

Ilgauskas, your doughy seven-foot center continually lumbering out to the perimeter, angling for three point shots, missing every one of them and conceding the entire basket area to Dwight Howard who is making Ilgauskas look like he belongs behind a meat slicer. If you're the Orlando Magic, you're happy. If you're an NBA fan you want to hit reset.

- The two most odious squads in the National League are the Cubs and Mets who are major market teams loaded with stars and they play lousy team baseball. They're gaudy when they win (which is never) and they're punks when they lose. The San Francisco Giants aren't a particularly winning team but if you beat them, it's 2 - 1 or 3 - 2 and they're an actual baseball team. The Mets and Cubs are totally dysfunctional with they're Milton Bradleys and Gary Sheffields and Seriously seriously enjoys watching them both get stomped.

- ESPN, yes we do mention the competition, (especially when they're off they're bloomin' rockers,) has their weekly MLB Power Rankings out and they list the Dodgers at #1, ahead of the Red Sox and Yankees. They also have the Angels at 12th after the Angels nearly dismantled the Dodgers in their three game series just finished AT Dodger Stadium. Yeah, the Dodgers still have the best record and, yeah, we were making jokes only a few days ago about them winning every game but they have a newly blown-out hole in their pitching staff with no starters beyond Billingsley, Kershaw and Wolf and an exhausted bullpen that's starting to get bombed. They're still one of the top teams but #1? It's imperative that the Sports Seriously franchise overtake ESPN so a silly power ranking such as this never again has relevance or even sees the light of day. But fear not. At over 246,000 hits since going online less than three weeks ago, we are well on our way to blowing ESPN's doors off and taking care of the problem. So we thank you again for all for the correspondences, atta-boys and eh, not so goods. The way you've supported Sports Seriously from the beginning is a daily inspiration to us and may god bless you for it.

- Today marked the beginning of the French Open tennis championship. We'll have reports directly from Roland Garros starting tomorrow.

- NBA Western Conference Finals, game four coverage tomorrow as well.

Stay tuned.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Seriously Chapter 12: Towards the Constant Variety of Sport

If you're like Seriously, you don't know enough about soccer. Some of you are not in the know because you don't have the time and some of you simply hate the game. If you hate the game of soccer then, as a sportsman, you should be ashamed of yourself and go stand in the corner like at the end of "The Blair Witch Project." Currently, the most important soccer event in the world is Wednesday's upcoming final of the 2009 UEFA Champions League in Rome. Sports Seriously is pleased to have veteran Los Angeles/Sao Paulo based correspondent, Demitri Mantalos, with his report live from the ground in Roma.

Demitri files this:

Rome: 2009….a long way from Cleveland Ohio and some guy named King James

So here I sit, covering this sport and I wonder why most Americans, and yes I am one by birth, most Americans have no idea the coolness of the UEFA Champions League. Let’s first start off by saying that this competition, unlike the one we are experiencing at this moment in the states, does not feature guys with such interesting names like the Mamba, King James, Super Man and ‘Melo (however if you ever saw Carmelo’s Punk'd episode on MTV you’d say this guy definitely is anything but mellow but rather downright angry. I thought he was gonna choke a bitch or one of his boys was going to pistol whip someone. Note to Ashton Kutcher-not a good idea to tangle with such cats which is probably why you were smart enough to send a flunky the way you did to jump out of the closet to disclose the gag.) I don’t know what has happened to basketball, one of my favorite sports in the world, but it has become classless with a capital C or that same c might stand for crap.

For the sake of this article the c stands for the Champions League of European football or votebal or calcio or futebol but definitely not soccer. Born into existence in England, this is the world’s game. Everyone in the world plays it and everyone adores it (they can’t all be wrong can they?) Hold on…I’m not done bashing b-ball…Now as much as I love the game of basketball I’ve given up on guys with tattoos, their Cristal, dope cribs, phat whips, gangsta rap and the one on one action. Long gone are the days of 80’s basketball where even as I grew up being a Laker fan, I loved the Celtics and the Pistons because of the quality of what I saw and the personalities that melded into team (note to editor, Mark Price was cool, too.) This same concept of team and pride still exists with ferocity in Europe. The uniforms actually mean something to these guys. Yes they’ve got the sponsors and egos, that’s just sports in general, but we won’t be beginning the game with Mesi or Ronaldo or Giggs throwing chalk into the air at midfield (what a stupid spectacle that has become) and there won’t be a spinning circle of dudes barking like dogs, no faux picture taking and no one has ridiculous names from comic book magazines or off the cover of high times, or in Kobe’s case, the cover of some third rate porn dvd. These are men plain and simple unlike the mental midgets in the NBA (and how again can someone be called a world champion if no one else from around the world is allowed to participate?? Isn’t that what the Olympics are for?)…oh yeah…back to ‘soccer’…sorry.

This Wednesday I’ll be witnessing Manchester United (think Cristiano Ronaldo) and Barcelona (Lionel Messi) go at each other (not in the way some men and all women want to go at David Beckham) and not in the way guys in the MLS do in the states. You know…MLS...that horrible, unwatchable play with zero excitement and even less offence or defence (yes…I even spell like a euro now because I’m cool like dat.) I could have played in major league soccer when I was 12 and as good as I thought I might have been, the honest truth is that I couldn’t even carry out the ball to these players who are playing on Wednesday. Come to think of it, you almost don’t even want to tell your friends you play soccer in the states unless it’s a beer league at a university.

The Champions League format is, in simple terms, a playoff system between 32 European teams played during their off days outside of their fixed leagues. It would be like the Lakers playing in a California league most of the time while occasionally matching up against other states’ teams. The play is fast and furious and the two winners of their collective groups go head to head in a final game. Pretty simple. I’m not going to bore you with point systems but suffice it to say there are no 7 games series' to be played. Come out to play hard in the championship game and win by a goal or go home bummed. Just like in our beloved American Football league sans one guy named Chad Ochocinco (what a douche.)

The style of play will be aggressive, as is the nature of the English and Spanish styles. You will see epic matchups. You will see fantastic goals. You’ll see soccer the way you’ve never imagined seeing it (think actually exciting.) If you get a chance, check ESPN on Wednesday, 2:30pm EST, and you might actually learn something while having a good time. And if it exists in your town, try and find a good bar next to a hostel if you can….those Euro girls will dig that you’re into it kind of like U.S. girls when they go abroad with that whole Vegas mantra. These soccer chicks are ho's, too. I should know, I married one.

c. 2009 Demitri Mantalos

Demitri will file a full report after Wednesday's final between Manchester United and Barcelona.

Stay tuned.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Chapter 11: The Los Angeles Derek Fishers

***Hate the Team, Not the Player ***

These Lakers are easy to root against, SORRY!!! And the whole series is about as exciting as the bleedin' shoelaces involved in the Eastern Conference Finals which has played out as I warned, (ten times better than the West) ending last night on an impossible three point shot and further elevation into the pantheon by `Bron, `Bron who Seriously was mocking on this site just 2 short days ago. In fact, I heard from `Bron's people and later, `Bron himself. We at the Franchise ended up approaching the situation with great regret. And it goes to show, you can learn a lesson in life even with something you already know in that - you don't mock the great ones and you don't give the great ones fuel for their fire. Instead of being down 2 zip heading to Orlando, the series is tied and the Cavs have all the momentum. God knows what will happen in Sunday's game three. It could give even a normal man a sports coronary, it will be so comprehensively dynamic.
Meanwhile, back in the not-so-wild west, the game 2 performances of Derek Fisher (1 for 9 with an air ball at the buzzer) and Andrew Bynum (on the bench for good for mental reasons) would be enough to depress any Laker fan. But it's Lamar Odom's back that could be the real killer for them as they head into tonight's game three, tied 1-1 and teetering. The great one, Lamar Odom, is physically hindered in his ability to perform which obviously affects the team on the whole though I must warn

***All Those On This Sports Seriously Site***

E-mails are streaming in to me personally, fine, but I must warn those on the site itself - any anti-Lamar Odom comments of any kind are not permitted and will be dealt with swiftly. This also applies to anything negative related to the Los Angeles Clippers. Thank you.

***You Will Know Soccer***

Soccer report and other reports right around the corner. Stay tuned.

Friday, May 22, 2009

Seriously Chapter 10: Blake Griffin - Welcome to Clipper Nation

"Don't be afraid to delegate," an old Jew once told me "and play to your strength."

***We Cover it All***

We at Sports Seriously are seriously committed to bringing you, in bullet form, the ever changing, constant variety of sport with correspondents covering baseball, the Dodgers, the Yankees, tennis, NHL hockey, college football, NFL football and even soccer matches from around the world. We're blessed with a great staff and a rare pipeline of information, not to mention a support group of phenominal information GIVERS aka - all of you who write in the way you do. We're at 226,000 hits since we started two weeks ago. God bless and let's get going.

***Keeping Most Things Los Angeles Clippers Related Under Wraps and Clearing the Air***

With 2009 East and Western confrence finals at hand, my solemn commitment is to the NBA and the fans, not to myself nor my other role or "gig" as a Clipper historian. I've made no comment to any outlet regarding the Clippers' getting the top pick in Blake Griffin beyond that the Los Angeles Clippers will win next year's NBA title.

- If the Dodgers ever lose a game again I'll eat my own poop.

- Tattoos are pretty foul on men and are becoming more and more obnoxiously prevalent in professional sports with lizard tails climbing higher and higher up dude's necks. Witness teammates Kenyon Martin and that appalling, human hypodermic needle, Chris "The Bird Man" Anderson of the Denver Nuggets. And now even these baseball guys, oy, I sound like an old man sitting on a rubber ring. Tattoos should be allowed only for the good men in the military who choose to have them or go ahead and let WWF guys have them (they're all animals as it is.) Tattoos are recommended and look fantastic on women, however, and who cares about the ones on old ladies, they're faded anyway.

- The Yankees must be starting to give Red Sox fans piles. I don't even know what piles are but they sound old-school and painful.

- Tomorrow they will announce the jockey for Derby winner, "Mine That Gold," a gelding who doesn't seem to mind what jockey is on his back, he just runs like hell. It's been said in some outlets that a few more lengths would have had Gold overtaking winner, "Rachel Alexandra," at the Preakness but I say ixnay. That filly had a silly kick. If you don't take the time to watch the Belmont Stakes on ABC, June 6th, marking the final, in-the-dirt showdown between Mine That Gold and my main gal, Rachel Alexandra, who is over her digestive difficulties and training full out, then you seriously belong at a Bill Pullman Film Festival and you're a creep.

Hockey, soccer soon so you'll know absolutely everything. Stay tuned.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Chapter 9: Last Second Shots

- How come, when Vladimir Guererro runs the bases, he looks like a horse with legs that are about to snap?

- Can you believe a slob like John Kruk was such a great baseball baseball player? I love that guy. Another dude to have on your Slob Alert when he comes up to bat is Philidelphia's Matt Stairs. Ten YEARS ago he looked like a guy who plays in a beer league and he's got more career home runs than Kirk Gibson, Robin yount and Derek Jeter.

- The first two games of the Lakers-Nuggets series combined were about ten-percent as exciting as game one of Cavs-Magic which was an instant classic won on a last second three pointer by a forgotten man, Orlando's Rashard Lewis. (No, `Bron, `Bron, no!) Now, instead of sweeping the world, the Cavs lost, Lebron is limping and Ilgauskas hasn't even hurt his foot yet!!

- If the Dodgers ever lose another game, I'll have sex with one of Michael Vick's dogs. That's unnecessarily repulsive and I don't know why I wrote that.

- A couple of weeks ago, Seriously heard from one of his deep, deep, deep inside tennis sources that Roger Federer would never again defeat Raphael Nadal and then Federer promptly took him in straight sets at last Sunday's Madrid Open. If L.A. County can make their first layoffs since Charlie Chaplin was running around then the Sports Seriously franchise sure as hell can, too. While Seriously can tolerate lack of effort, I cannot and will not tolerate staff being incorrect.

***Kudos to the People***

The Franchise just surpassed 210,000 hits in the first week and a half of operation. Thank you, everyone. Not only for your patronage but for the many e-mails, letters, middle fingers and all those things that keep me sharp. Without you I'm nothing. God bless.

***I Hear You***

Your many requests have been heard and Sports Seriously correspondent, Demitri Mantalos, will be filing a soccer report from Sao Paulo any day now. This I am happy to say. In birthing this monster I never knew, in my wildest dreams, that there would be so many soccer fans who would follow. Better yet is how many souls have been drawn to the game by Demitri's expansive, insightful and thought-provoking reports on the most popular game in the world. Lack of frequency in the reports has engendered complaints and I truly understand. In mentioning this to Demitri, his response was, "Would you rush a painting?" Stay tuned and bear with.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Seriously Chapter 8: Machine Thrown For a Loop

The unbeatable Dodgers have a new problem to overcome. First Manny Ramirez and now possibly Orlando Hudson. Correspondent Dodger Tony, who has worked Chavez Ravine since it was a mound of dust with dirty little Mexican kids running around, with clubhouse access and sources up and down the organization, has returned to earth and here's his report from the ground:


And so it appears that this is going to be one of "those" years, where ill fortune may be the hand we are dealt in order to find those pearls who must "step up" when called upon to do so. So far the loss of Ramirez has been negligible. Based on his history and the way the injury appeared, one can only assume significant down time for Hudson. This continues to make things remarkably interesting for the Dodgers.

I must also assume that the organization has some sort of backup plan in place WHEN Hudson got hurt, only a matter of time I believe we all suspected. I'm not exactly sure what the backup plan is. Due to Furcal's decline, and Juan Castro essentially being his relief, I suspect Dewitt might get the call up. I haven't checked on Hu's numbers if you wanted to spell Castro as Furcal's second and move him over to second rather than limit range with Loretta. My greater fear, of course, is the Dodger medical staff and their penchant for lack of transparency regarding injuries. Let's all say a prayer tonight that this was not Hudson's last game as a Dodger. If for some reason this is season ending (not out of the realm of possibility), do we think about trying to procure the services of someone like Freddy Sanchez?

This more than sucks but absolutely to be expected.

It really does take an entire roster to win a pennant and we will most likely be seeing it all year.

- c. 2009 Dodger Tony

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

The Dodgers Will Lose a Game, I Just Don't Know When

Be it e-mail message, cell phone calls, or emo songs on an MP3, please refrain from crying and bothering Seriously as to when the Dodgers will lose their next game. It's up to the team and the players. I have no control. I want the Dodgers to lose just as badly as you do. Meanwhile, on the other side of that L.A. spectrum is Sports Seriously correspondent, Dodger Tony, who is hysterically frenzied about his team's invincibility to the point where I don't know what he's got in one hand while he's typing with the other. He's Dennis Hopper with an air mask and has no idea how unpretty it is. A lot of ALL CAPS and DODGERS, MOTHER-CHUCKER!!! DODGER DISEMBOWELMENT! The Mets are A CONCENTRATION CAMP TEAM right now!!!! And yet in the past I've had to literally talk Dodger Tony off the ledge of a multi -floored building because his team couldn't get any clutch hits.
Seriously says this seriously right now to everyone. With this blog blowing up the way it has (there's been over 160 thousand hits since we started last week) there's just too many decisions to be made right now and I simply don't have the time I used to. I can't hold everyone's hand when they're down and I'm not going to be able to slap sense into every fool who's full of himself. You can quote me on this, yo. "The season is a marathon, not a sprint."

- Catch as much Charles Barkley as you can on TNT during the Eastern Conference finals as ABC takes over with ESPN for the West and ABC broadcasts the finals. Charles Barkley, DUI's and all, is a national treasure and I seriously cannot overstate it enough.

- After Barkley, there's May 24th and the 2009 French Open tennis champonship where you're a bearded socialist if you don't take the time to catch John MacEnroe doing color on NBC. Forget Nadal and Federer, nothing in tennis rivals John MacEnroe on the mike. He can even make Mary Carillo interesting. Stay tuned to the franchise for updates leading up to the tournament and throughout as Sports Seriously will have a special guest correspondent positioned at Roland Garros who will be filing live reports as the events unfold. Again, stay tuned.

- Don't look now but the Yankees have won six straight and Steroids keeps hitting dingers. Blue Jays still holding strong, four straight and eight out of eleven, but still get absolutely no love. The closest thing is the fact that Roy Halladay now has a nickname, "Doc." Get it?

- Seriously's Los Angeles Clippers won the NBA lotto today and will receive the first pick in next year's draft. Seriously is not jumping for joy, however, as it's guaranteed that the Clippers will screw it up like they always do by selecting some unknown, 7-foot Romanian with a big Adam's apple. Book it.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Seriously Chapter 6: Beware of Flying Muscle Dudes, They're Not Homos!!!

- Yesterday's NABBA 2009 Bodybuilding Championships in Belgium was canceled when officials announced there would be steroid testing and all 20 competitors ran out of the building.

***Sub Chapter Title: I Relate to the Hate***

Seriously is a serious Los Angeles Clippers fan of more than 2 decades (meaning I wake up in the morning with daggers in my chest) but my guy, yeah I said it, my guy Lamar Odom plays for the Lakers which allows Seriously to pull for the Los Angeles Lakers to win the NBA title under these present circumstances. It's admirably precise wording, that previous sentence, and I feel very clear about it in a defensive kind of way. But let me also say that I can seriously, fully relate to all that Laker hate. That great hate which, quite surprisingly on my end, emenates mostly from old fans of the 80's Showtime Lakers (The Sports Seriously franchise is L.A. based) Believe me, I know what it is to despise all the phony, Kobe Bryant horseshit. Hall of Fame/Black Mamba credentials aside, Kobe Bryant is more phony than Ryan talking about Farrah, for god sakes. But from a purely basketball point of view I would like to hear from anybody why the Lakers won't win the championship. I'm on the look-out as the Lakers made Lebron look like an old man with a big ass during the regular season and they beat the Denver Nuggets like they were drugged out Amsterdam whores which is an unnecessarily rude and demeaning image but so were those games. Seriously wants to hear some theories as to why they will be stopped or you can lay out your Laker hate and let me be the judge as to whether it's fair or not.

- My coronation of Rajon Rondo went awry yesterday as the Celtics totally ran out of gas and very much looked like a team missing Kevin Garnett and Leon Powe. So long, Celtics. I don't hate you anymore after watching what you did last year but I'm glad you lost.

- The Rockets ran out of gas, too, but only after Ron Artest tried out his Derek Fisher Jump Shot Technique for the last two games. What a total jackass as a basketball player and human being. The Rockets were better, incidentally, without Yao Ming. Yao Ming is just too goddamn big. Homey is 7-8 or some shit. He looked like a lumbering giant getting run into the ground. It made the foot injury that took him out of the series completely understandable.

- The Dodgers keep winning and it will be very be a very emotional time for everyone when Manny Ramirez comes back.

- I'm suspicious and want to know where Karl Rove was on Monday morning as Preakness winner, and my girl, Rachel Alexandra reported stomach pains and digestive problems after her morning walk at trainer Steve Asmussen's Louisville farm. I'm open to the chips falling where they may with regards to the winner of the Belmont Stakes but if someone's messing with my girl it's going to get real dark, real quick. I'll go "Taken" on they ass.

- Lamar Odom is too emotionally fragile to handle the disappointment of a Laker loss in the playoffs and they therefore HAVE to win the championship. It would be devestating for him and he can't numb himself by getting high and drinking anymore. So before you criticize Lamar, know the facts and what you're dealing with. It's not all about his 18 million dollar a year salary, yo, and that he's dating Taraji Henson which is a big deal unto itself because she's an actress. Most of you don't live in L.A. and don't understand what that's about, dating an actress. Most of you should just shut up.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Chapter 5: Seriously Missed the Boat

I missed it, I did, and it was atrocious. It happened in my day before yesterday's Preakness blog post, the offense of not making note that the odds on favorite going into today's race was a philly, a gal by the name of Rachel Alexandra. Getting ALL wrapped up in covering the jockey and then a dame, the dame goes out wins it like the history that it is, holding off Derby-winner Mine the Bird and blowing an 85-year mother F-ing lid off the entire horse racing universe. Pity to your soul if you're not amongst the millions witnessing the Belmont Stakes coming up on June 6th which will serve as a settle-it-now, final showdown. The derby winner versus the gal with the ridiculous, killer kick down the stretch for all the marbles. The Belmont Stakes. Mark my words: Horse racing, whether you're ready for it or not, will soon be the most important thing in this country and I can guarantee it.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Seriously Chapter 4: What'll Happen to Baseball, Y'all?

Several years ago I was looking through a large, red leather-bound coffee table book featuring 100 years of New York Times front pages and I remember thinking to myself - the same damn things that were going on back then are still going on now. People were worried about the middle east, politicians were crooked and taxes were definitely going up. Yeah, I was probably stoned at the time and, yeah, those of you who know Seriously might say "that's probably the last time you ever picked up a book," but let me get to my point. People thought baseball might never be the same after the Black Sox scandal of 1920, where 8 players were banned from the game for life, and I've got to think some are wondering if it's true with regards major league baseball today. Steroid abuse has always been rumored in baseball but wasn't really front and center until the firestorm surrounding Jose Canseco's claim that 80% of active MLB players were users in his (now vindicated) book "Juiced" in 2005. Then there was the sorry spectacle of the same year with sullen, red faced home run king, Mark McGwire, testifying-but-not-testifying in front of a congressional committee about his use/non-use. This was followed by Raphael Palmiero, he of near Hall-of-Fame credentials, wagging his finger in front of the committee saying he "never, ever, never" used performance enhancing drugs of any kind, only to see him gone from baseball for good two months later after he tested positive for steroids. This was before the death of Ken Caminiti and the 2007 era of that monstrous rectum, Barry Bonds. And now with The Saga of the Obvious that is Alex Rodriguez and Manny Ramirez, all I can focus on are the guys running around on the field and I try not to think about anything else. Until they figure out a way to get drugs out of the game or come up with true comprehensive testing, isn't baseball really just a bit of a fraud at this point? It seems the only other solution would be to go libertarian and say, screw it, what players do with their bodies is their business. But isn't the game a little more sacred than that? I'm a louse and far from a prude but wouldn't that be a slouch towards us as kind of a degenerate nation? Attendance is still high and there's billions being made so the baseball powers that be want nothing to do with anything even getting close to slowing the gravy train, even for a moment, even if it were better for the game in the long run. Invisible Bud Selig is more than happy to continue the facade that is MLB's cracking-down-but-not-cracking-down policy. Though I'm hopeful (the way the Black Sox scandal was overcome) what the hell is major league baseball right now besides a case of mold that's been nicely painted over?

Seriously Chapter 3: Don't Be Drinking My Blow


- French tennis player Richard Gasquet recently tested positive for cocaine and has remained mum except to say, "I am gathering proof of my innocence." Meanwhile, his best friend on the tour, Marat Safin, quickly rushed to his defense. Safin said, "When you're at a table full of people having fun, it's absurd to have to watch what glass you're drinking from."

- First of all, when Seriously is at a table full of people having fun, I never notice when someone is dropping a mysterious powder into my drink. I'm too busy lovin', yo. And anyway, it's also safe to say I'll be drinking from any random glasses left on the table because I'm just good that way. Additionally, whenever I have blow to snort I always, right away, dump it into a large tumbler of Jameson's on the rocks.

- There's nothing funnier on the planet than Charles Barkley on "Inside the NBA" on TNT with Ernie Johnson and Kenny Smith.

- If the Lakers lose on Sunday it will be the most embarrassing loss in NBA playoff history.

- While I still keep waiting for the Celtics to lose, easily the best player in the playoffs right now is Rajon Rondo.

- There is absolutely nothing in boxing right now besides godly Manny Pacquaio.

- I hope Mark Sanchez tanks in New York. Jet fans, aside from John Maraffi, are totally nauseating.

- Calvin Borel rode 50-1 long shot, Mine that Bird, to victory in the Kentucky Derby and now has switched horses for Saturday's Preakness to the 8-5 favorite, Rachael Alexandra, running AGAINST Mine that Bird. If Rachael Alexandra wins it'll be the first in history for a jockey doing that which damn near borders on interesting, people.

- I know a guy who was at a bar, a few years ago, in Palm Springs where he met Jeanie Buss who is now Executive Vice-President of the Lakers and current girlfriend of Phil Jackson. Jeanie Buss, defining the term "good sport," got totally hammered and blew him under the table. I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin'.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Seriously Chapter 2: Puck U!

Dateline: Los Angeles

***Hockey Fans***

Since we at this franchise know jack about hockey except when I happen to watch a game, which is rarely, Sports Seriously is privileged to have and respectfully defers to an actual, published, real Los Angeles Kings hockey blogger, Matthew Barry. You can see Matt regularly featured at With the Western Conference Semi-Finals between the Ducks and Red Wings going to Game 7 tonight, here's

***Matthew Barry's Hockey Report***

If the Pittsburgh/Washington game was any indication...

a) the better team won/the better team will win

b) the more experienced goaltender won/the more experienced goaltender will win

If the Red Wings watched the game today, you can be damned sure they were saying "the Ducks ain't coming into OUR crib and doing THAT". There's NO WAY the Red Wings lay a Washington like egg. They're just way too talented.

The Ducks gave it a good run - they did the unthinkable - smoked the Sharks and brought the Red Wings to a game 7 - they gave the Wings everything they had, but it won't be enough.

Datsyuk and Zetterberg and Hossa and Franzen and... my LORD they're stacked - they don't let down their fans and they walk away with a victory... of course, then they have to face the rested Chicago squad... but first thing is first.

It's just a question of how much of a beating will the Ducks take...

4-1 Wings

Then I can finally get back to what makes me happy.... whining and complaining about the Kings, and if Frolov is going to be traded, and the future of Jack Johnson, and which free agents will Lombardi sign, and are the Kings going to trade their draft pick, and the rumors I've heard, and if Lecavalier will don the crown?

Plus, I really don't want to spend another grand to drive to the Pond to watch the games... sheesh, we ARE still in a recession.

Matthew Barry -

Seriously: Chapter 1


- The Dodgers need to go away.

- A grotesque sight will be the return of Manny Ramirez.

- Sandy Koufax is turning over in his condo.

- Not that you would but you have to watch the footage of 50-1 shot, Mine That Bird, winning the Derby.

-You can't talk shit about a horse.

-That documentary, "Barbaro" on HBO is staggering and will make you cry.

- I keep waiting for the Celtics to lose.

- Is there a bigger d-bag in all of sports than Mark Cuban? Apparently he's hip and checkbook-hip to some worthy causes but I think I hate him even more than Washington Redskin's football. Way to go Nuggets for destroying his Mavericks.

-Red Sox fans were annoying as losers and are completely unbearable now that they win. And they can take their elite, institutional New England Patriots and stick them up their rears. Their teams and dreams belong in the wood chipper.

- Kareem Abdul Jabbar, the greatest scorer and arguably greatest player in NBA history is a basically anonymous consultant for the Lakers.

- Of Andrew Bynum, (whom he's working with,) Kareem said, re: The playoffs, "He's not exactly up to speed with where the team's at in terms of group consciousness." That's just cool, y'all.

Serious shock from "I Can't Believe There's Gambling at Rick's": USC gave O.J. Mayo money.

Seriously Excellent Unheralded Baseball Players:

*** Nyjer Morgan, Pittsburgh Pirates***

He out Willie McGee's Willie McGee with his skeeter swagger and high black socks. He's ninth in the league in hits batting lead-off, creates total havoc on the bases and he's got more RBI than Chipper Jones.

***The entire Blue Jays team***

How many more asses do they have to kick before they get love from ANYBODY? Cito Gaston is back and it's just like old times. They have the best record in baseball, an incredible line up and Roy Halladay is filthy.

Today's Prediction:

When Manny Ramirez comes back in July (pitiful and sorry) the Dodgers will still be in first place.